I was raised in a home where I was taught to let the men do the pursuing. Don't be forward, don't chase, don't call him, don't state that you like him up front. Let. Him. Pursue. You. The End. For all of my younger dating years this is what I did and it worked well. Keep in mind, this was all pre-facebook, pre-MySpace, and the first few guys that scored my phone number had to call my home phone and go through the gauntlet of my parents and siblings answering the phone first. Let's not even get started on the call-waiting and siblings listening in on the other line issues. My point being, I didn't go out there and tell guys that I liked them or ask them out, I let them ask for my phone number, let them pursue the date, let them actually pick me up (and yes, I made them come to the door and meet my family, duh!) and let them buy dinner. This was just how it was a decade ago, at least in my world.
But feminist minds have spoken, and things have changed.
I can remember my non-homeschooled friends telling me about Tolo and it blew my mind. "Wait....YOU ask the guy to go to the dance with you? Huh? That's normal?" I couldn't fathom it then and I still have issues wrapping my mind around it now.
Going out of my way to let a guy know I'm into him was just weird to me. It's still weird to me.
I have once, and only once confessed my feelings for a man first. I thought he liked me and was just bad with words or something. And man, that did not turn out well for me. I vowed to never again to tell a guy that I liked him in the beginning. Rejection is harsh, especially when it comes from a person you've had a crush on for a long time. And yes, I acknowledge that perhaps it is a bit unfair to expect that only men have to feel disappointed when it turns out that feelings are not mutual.
Which brings me to this debate.
My friend has stated to me on numerous occasions that I expect a man to do 90 percent of the pursuing while I give 10. And he's right. That is exactly how I feel about the beginning of a relationship. I feel very different about marriage of course, this is just meant to be about the beginning of a dating relationship. But his point was that it's simply not that way. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but it's not now. Men have grown tired of having women lead them on and play games with their heads (thanks girls!) and now expect that women will match the pursuing 50/50 if they are actually interested. Men take a lack of female pursuit as a lack of interest. He stated to me that of all of his friends he only knows one, just one friend, that is into the idea of being the pursuer and turned off by female pursuit.
I am still of the mindset that a man should initially do the majority of the pursuing. I have to wonder though, how much of that is truth, how much of that is how I was raised and how much of it is due to the mortification I felt after telling a man I liked him and being rejected? Is it really this way or do I just not want to get hurt again and reverting back to my pre-marriage/divorce routine of letting the male do the pursuing is more comfortable than putting myself out there and risking the heartache? Do men really want to pursue females? Do men expect us to meet them half way? Are men turned off if a female reciprocates pursuit?
I googled all this, and searched through the Bible for answers and still haven't come to a conclusion.
I'd love to hear what people think on this one as I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that has wondered this.
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