The Edge of Hope

I've been incredibly indecisive the last little bit in a lot of aspects of my life.

I thought and prayed about it for awhile and realized it's simple - I'm afraid.  

Last year my inability to stand up for myself and make a choice I knew was right got me hurt horribly.  I didn't stand up because I was afraid.  

And I'm still that same girl.  

I can make excuses.  Truly I can.  Someone that has loved as deeply and wholely I have knows what I stand to lose by jumping in.  

Into what? 

Into any life altering choice.

Dating. Singleness.  Moving.  Not moving.  Change.  Of any kind.  It all terrifies me.

Where I'm at, my little home, my three kids, and a job I love? I don't want to mess it up.  And so jumping into anything at all, knowing whatever jump I make could affect in a good or bad way every other aspect of my life? I'm terrified. 

So I stand at the edge of the cliff, watching.  Watching others take leaps of faith on my right and left. Some fall, some fly.  I sit and just watch.  I wait, hoping that somehow someway I'll just "know" when I can leap.  And I wait, and wait, and wait.  

Someday I hope I can push the memories of my last fall out of my mind.  Someday the excitement and hope of flying will outweigh the fear of falling.   

But someday is not today.

Today I'm sitting at the edge.  Just waiting.  Just hoping my heart can heal a little more.  Just trying to stay soft, and kind, and gentle.  Trying to not let the past heartbreaks harden my heart.  

I know God is sitting with me. Ever so patient.  Ever so loving.  And He gives me hope. Hope that flying isn't as far off in my future as I might think.  

Thought's from this week

This is another one of those posts where I just ramble about what's in my head for the week.

I've been thinking a lot on single-parenting and my future.  Am I going to be a single parent forever or do I want to go back down the dating route? I've been paused on the dating thing for a bit.   My heart needed more healing and my understanding of Gods character needed (still needs) more depth. And the straw that broke the camels back was me getting hurt, yet again, yet another guy. 

A pause needed to happen.  

I need wisdom.  When someone tells me to steer clear of someone, I want to listen. Maybe, just maybe, I can start to avoid the heartache that comes from me thinking that I know better and ignoring the advice of those that love me.  And I'm tired of getting preyed on.

Back to my point:

I look at my life, and other than my ex giving me grief through the court system and the dramatics and stress related to that, my life is really good. 

I love my little duplex tucked away in the woods and my landlords have been beyond wonderful to me.  This place is tiny for my family of four, but it forces me to declutter often and I like that.  I feel safe here.  Between my dog (he's more of an alarm than a vicious attack dog) and my landlords living upstairs, I feel safe for the first time since my ex and I split.  Restraining orders are only pieces of paper right? But here? I feel safe. And it's good.   

Financially things are okay too. (I know talking about money is kinda odd, but I'm gonna do it).

A few years back I took the Dave Ramsey class.  And while I haven't been perfect at implementing what I learned, it has helped me pull myself together and get on my feet. Having an emergency fund, savings, a budget and living kinda below my means so that I can actually LIVE, is nice.  

All that to say.  Life is good. 

So do I really need a guy in my life?

Sometimes I'm lonely.  Those moments after the kids go to bed and I'm left with myself and Netflix? It can get a little old (well....orange is the new black season 2 is now out so this week I'm more excited than lonely).  But the reality is sometimes I do crave it.  And then I think through my past relationships and go "nah....not for me."  

But then again, I have to hope that maybe perhaps I've just picked poorly in the past and my ideas of what I want need to change. 

Time will tell....

Netflix, Bad Boys, and Co-Dependency

Being a single mom I frequently find myself alone in my living room with nothing to do past 8 pm.  If the house is clean and I have no laundry to fold my choices are kinda limited.  Read a book.  Do some sort of project.  Or watch Netflix.  I usually end up doing two of those things simultaneously.

I've watched a lot of Netflix.

My friend Beth and I were chatting the other day about our love of the show Gossip Girl.  Shut up.  Don't hate.   And sigh......Chuck Bass.  We love him.  Is there any man in any series that is more vile yet lovable than him?!  

I actually sat and pondered that rather stupid question for a minute.

Vile yet lovable men?

Sawyer from Lost.

Don Draper from Mad Men

Alex Karev from Greys Anatomy

Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck

Dexter 

Barney Stinson from HIMYM  (yes I know he's gay in real life, but c'mon?)

And let's not forget the classics - Indiana Jones and Hans Solo.  (Harrison Ford had that bad boy thing down!)

I realize that I can keep going here and the longer I go the more pathetic I look.  I've watched all of those except Dexter from start to finish. Every season.  Every episode. The sheer amount of wasted hours here is saddening, as is the fact that I enjoyed finding the images for this post.  What a dweeb....

But my point. 

We love our bad boys.  And that is proving to be a problem for me in life and here's why:

The things I'm attracted to and the things I glorify in fantasy will be the things I desire in real life.  There is real psychology behind this I promise. 

I am almost always attracted to the man with a bad side.  Not an evil side.  Not the addicts or the convicts.  Just the one with a bit of an "edge."

Cue the puddle of tears where I find out I'm being cheated on and the relationship ends.

Guy cheats, our relationship ends.  The story of my life in one sentence.  (Except for my relationship with Tyler).

So what is it about the bad boys?  Why are they so frequently the center of our media?  Why do we love them so?  Like Indy. It's a new woman in every movie, yet he is the hero of the series and we love him.   And Barney?  Disgusting man-whoreishness right there, and while we all love Ted, let's just admit here that HIMYM would not survive without Barney Stinson and his playbook.   

I haven't figured out the psychology behind it.  Despite trying to google it. (Yes I really did).  I just know that for me, what I find attractive in a man has to change. I know I'm not alone here, the state of our media is proof - we like our men with a little bit of bad.

Maybe it's because we are fed on romantic comedies and action flicks that we fail to see the beauty in the boring men around us.

I've thought often of that scene from Anne of Green Gables where Anne and her adoptive mom Marilla are discussing men - 
Anne: Fred is.....extremely good.
Marilla:  That is exactly what he should be!  Would you want to marry a wicked man?
Anne: Well, I wouldn't marry anyone who was really wicked, but I think I'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't.
Marilla: You'll have better sense someday, I hope. 

I hope I have better sense someday too. 

Yes I'm still "paused" on my dating life.   

When I get back into this whole dating thing I want to be looking for the right things.  You know things like "He's an amazing dad."  "He loves Jesus a whole lot"  "He wants a family"  those sort of wholesome things that should already be the things that I want in a guy.   I mean I always have wanted those, yet somehow I end up with something not even close to that.   I want to figure out what it is that draws me to the wrong ones and what keeps me in that spot.  I have a feeling I may be co-dependent and that concerns me.  The need to be needed or need to "fix" people is just unhealthy.  

My ex-husband told me when our relationship ended that he hated that I was "good." He hated that he felt like a bad person around me. He hated that I prayed for him. He hated that I loved God.  He hated that he felt like he had to change.

When I talked to a counselor about it she asked me if I was always trying to help him or fix him. 

Well yeah.  Why wouldn't you try and help someone that is drowning?

"Maybe you should look for someone that isn't drowning."

I can't think of a better plan for my future than that right there.   That and perhaps loving and accepting a person where they are at and not trying to change them.  I can only imagine how annoying my attempts at trying to fix someone were.  Only God can fix a man, not I.  

Pushing pause

Last week I found myself being questioned about my dating life by a guy that was interested in me.  "Tell me about your dating life since your ex husband?" It took less than 20 seconds to state everything he needed to know.  1 8-month relationship.  1 non-relationship "thing."  And a several guys that had showed interest but I wasn't reciprocal.

I didn't think it was that weird.

So I asked about his dating life and he went on to describe the pros and cons of match.com, dating coworkers, eharmony, Christian mingle, dating friends, dating church girls.  Just basically a whole bunch of dating in just a few years.  

Like he couldn't even remember the names of most the women.  

Serial dating. Hooking up.  Dating just to date.  

I began to feel like there was something wrong with me because I haven't gone on a bunch of dates or hooked up with a bunch of guys. I found myself self-conscious about my inexperience.  

Other than the 2 guys I've mentioned, I've turned everything else down pretty fast.  

We changed subjects but then ended up back there again later in the conversation. 

"So Jess....you're a pretty girl, you seem to be handling life pretty well especially considering what you've gone through....why are you single? What's wrong with you?"

I naturally ignored the compliments in the sentence and felt insulted by the question.   I was instantly on the defense. Defending singleness like its some lesser state of being.  Like there must be something wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend.  

And this is something I'm realizing is all too common.

Seriously.  At least once a week I get asked if I've met anyone by some well-intentioned soul.  Like my life can't move forward unless it's with a man.

I'm not saying I don't want a relationship.  I do.  I really do.  God made me to be a wife.  When I was one I enjoyed doing wifely things, cooking, cleaning, caring for my husband and kids, I was imperfect of course, and there are definitely things I'll do different next time, but I know that God created me for relationship.  I crave it. 

That said.  Singleness is a much happier place than a miserable marriage.  Trust me.  I know.  

When it comes down to it, I'd rather be single forever than be in a marriage that is miserable forever.   

So what is so wrong with being single? What is so wrong with not desiring to hook up or date around? What is so wrong with waiting for more healing to come to your soul before diving into something new?  

I have enough of a past with a failed marriage and the few relationships I've been in.  I don't need to develop more war wounds on this singleness journey.  

Someday I trust God that he will come. But I'm pushing pause on the search for a moment so I can regroup.   My soul needs more healing.  My understanding of Gods character needs more depth.  My definition of myself can no longer be based on how the man in my life treats me. I have a lot of deep wounds that need healed up and my last "thing" with a man made that glaringly obvious to me.   

I'm not giving my "pause" a timeline.  It could be a year. 5 years. 2 weeks.  Only God knows how long I need.  If there's anything I know about God it's that His timing and my timing are rarely the same.  

I want to be able to give my future spouse a healed up and whole woman and I'm simply not there yet.  

Don Jon

First I have to admit that I watched this movie, which I'm pretty sure takes the award for "most raunchy movie I've ever laid eyes on."  It made me blush, and I'm an ex-wife with 3 kids - impressive.

That said, when I saw the preview to this movie, I knew I had to see it.  My favorite actor (since Angels in the Outfield) doing a movie about the damages of porn? Sounds refreshing.   And this is mainstream media, not Christian media, so I knew it wasn't going be (please don't hate me for saying this!!!) cheesy. So I sat through the first 20 minutes or so of pure raunchiness knowing and anticipating the message I knew would be coming. 

JGL held nothing back in detailing the realities of the problem.   

 "There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad.  My ride. My family. My church.  My boys. My girls.  My porn."

What I wasn't fully expecting and what I'm glad he also hit on was that girls do the same thing to men by buying into the lies fed to us by rom-coms and the latest Nicholas Sparks movie. 

For as long as I can remember I've felt annoyed by romantic movies.  I've watched them, but if you've ever watched a romantic movie with me you already know I'm not the girl sitting there with tissues.  I'm the one rolling my eyes and giggling at what is supposed to be a touching heartfelt line from boy to girl.  

I've always thought those type of movies were unreal, just like porn.

And I really like real.  

So I was pleasantly surprised and relieved watching Scarlett Johansons portrayal of "Barbara" a princess fed on romantic comedies vs JGL's incredibly man-whorish but lovable character and the havoc they wreaked on each other's lives.  Especially since (spoiler alert) they don't end up together as would be typical in a romantic comedy.  

I also liked that it detailed the dysfunction that was JGL's sex life. He would sleep with a beautiful woman, and then have to watch porn afterwards so that he could "lose himself" for a bit.  Saying that fact? Wow.  Just wow.  I'm so glad that a man finally had the balls to say exactly what it does - A real woman is not enough anymore.

I also loved some of the more subtle details that he included that showed the objectification that happens.  The main character repeatedly refers to Barbara as "the most beautiful thing he has ever seen."  And in a scene where his father is talking about his mother, the father states "that's mine." It was subtle but I caught it. 

I didn't expect the movie to give any eternal value, this isn't Christian media, but I was kinda enjoying the message that was ultimately given at the end of it, at least in how it relates to sexuality. 

"If you want to lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person. It's a two-way thing."

This movie made me stop, think and question things in regards to relationships and sex.  While I don't necessarily agree with the quote above as an end all - losing yourself in a person is not the answer to life's problems - I was glad that this movie did what I hoped it would which was showing the damages that porn does to a person and how it destroys relationships the way that they were intended to be. 

All in all - great movie, don't watch it unless you have a high tolerance for dirty language and sexuality. And thanks JGL for saying it.

Is The Pursuit of a Woman Dead?

I got in a debate with a male friend of mine regarding men pursuing females when it comes to relationships.

I was raised in a home where I was taught to let the men do the pursuing.  Don't be forward, don't chase, don't call him, don't state that you like him up front.  Let. Him. Pursue. You.  The End.  For all of my younger dating years this is what I did and it worked well.  Keep in mind, this was all pre-facebook, pre-MySpace, and the first few guys that scored my phone number had to call my home phone and go through the gauntlet of my parents and siblings answering the phone first.  Let's not even get started on the call-waiting and siblings listening in on the other line issues.   My point being, I didn't go out there and tell guys that I liked them or ask them out, I let them ask for my phone number, let them pursue the date, let them actually pick me up (and yes, I made them come to the door and meet my family, duh!) and let them buy dinner.   This was just how it was a decade ago, at least in my world.

But feminist minds have spoken, and things have changed.

I can remember my non-homeschooled friends telling me about Tolo and it blew my mind.  "Wait....YOU ask the guy to go to the dance with you?  Huh?  That's normal?"  I couldn't fathom it then and I still have issues wrapping my mind around it now.

Going out of my way to let a guy know I'm into him was just weird to me. It's still weird to me.

I have once, and only once confessed my feelings for a man first.  I thought he liked me and was just bad with words or something.  And man, that did not turn out well for me.  I vowed to never again to tell a guy that I liked him in the beginning.  Rejection is harsh, especially when it comes from a person you've had a crush on for a long time.  And yes, I acknowledge that perhaps it is a bit unfair to expect that only men have to feel disappointed when it turns out that feelings are not mutual.

Which brings me to this debate.

My friend has stated to me on numerous occasions that I expect a man to do 90 percent of the pursuing while I give 10.   And he's right.   That is exactly how I feel about the beginning of a relationship.  I feel very different about marriage of course, this is just meant to be about the beginning of a dating relationship. But his point was that it's simply not that way. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but it's not now.  Men have grown tired of having women lead them on and play games with their heads (thanks girls!)  and now expect that women will match the pursuing 50/50 if they are actually interested.  Men take a lack of female pursuit as a lack of interest.  He stated to me that of all of his friends he only knows one, just one friend, that is into the idea of being the pursuer and turned off by female pursuit.

I am still of the mindset that a man should initially do the majority of the pursuing.  I have to wonder though, how much of that is truth, how much of that is how I was raised and how much of it is due to the mortification I felt after telling a man I liked him and being rejected?  Is it really this way or do I just not want to get hurt again and reverting back to my pre-marriage/divorce routine of letting the male do the pursuing is more comfortable than putting myself out there and risking the heartache?  Do men really want to pursue females?  Do men expect us to meet them half way?  Are men turned off if a female reciprocates pursuit?

I googled all this, and searched through the Bible for answers and still haven't come to a conclusion.

I'd love to hear what people think on this one as I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that has wondered this.

My Game Changer

Months ago I stumbled onto this blog post from Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience."  If you're my facebook friend you already know how much I love this woman's writing.  But this post in particular hit a home run for me. (Seriously....go read it.)  I cried the first time I read it, and the second, and the third.  I was moved by the courage of her husband, her conviction in raising her son, and her ability to say it like it is - "to stay silent is to let perpetrators perpetuate."

I'm not here to talk about perpetrators and rape though, I'm here to talk about the heart of the post - raising a boy to honor women.

The thing I'm struggling with and I'm bringing before my readers (all 2 of them) is this: How do I, as a single mom teach my boys what it is to honor a woman?  What sort of example am I setting before them?

I haven't been a great example in the past. 

 I pray that the memories my oldest boy has of the way I allowed myself to be treated in years past fade and are lost. My heart would shatter if he followed that path.  That said, my kids have a great example in my father, if my boys grow up to treat a woman like he treats my mother we'll be in good shape.  

But what about my part?

I have to say that I've been really convicted on my part.

I spoke with a friend today at church and we both stated in the conversation how we will allow men to treat us poorly, tolerate it, try and change ourselves to be better because we blame ourselves for it, and beat ourselves up for everything that goes wrong, but if our kids are mistreated all hell breaks loose.   I was convicted.  What kind of example do I want to leave for my daughter and my sons?  Why is it okay for someone to treat me poorly but not my kids? The way I allow a man to treat me is the way my daughter will allow men to treat her and the way my boys will treat women.  What am I letting my kids see? This is challenging because I'm not married.  My dating life - though the majority of it will initially be done out of sight of my kids, at some point they will meet whoever I end up with in the future and what kind of guy will that be?  I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I've approached dating in a somewhat selfish way not really looking at the long term, not really thinking "What if my boys turn out like him?" and "Does he treat me how I want my daughter to be treated?"  Those two questions are game-changers for me.   I don't ever want to be accused of being a diva-princess that thinks that no man is good enough for me (and I don't think I am one) but I do want to be more future minded and intentional about the kind of men I allow in.   I have no business dating if I can't approach it from a group mindset - what is best for ALL of us.

Maybe this is just common sense for most women, actually,  I'm sure it is. In fact, I'm guessing most people reading this are thinking "you JUST figured this out?"  Well.....I have heard it before, but it really just "clicked" for me recently. For someone like me, someone who's "picker" is broken, it's a new mindset, a new way of approaching relationships, and I'm hopeful that my remembering what really matters in men will make a difference.   

There are good men out there, I believe it. 

My status

I have to say, 3 years later and still single? I’m actually kinda proud of it. I know the typical thing to do after a long relationship implodes is to rebound into something new. And I didn’t. I stayed single for 2 years and have only had one (8 month long) relationship since my ex-husband and I split. Yeah,I spend a lot of evenings watching netflix, alone, with oreos. Or wine. But dude. There are some good shows on netflix, let me tell you.

In all seriousness though. I’m beginning to know what it feels like to be content in where one is at. Yeah, I definitely have lonely moments, but I also have really full moments, in fact my life is so full at times I feel it could burst.

When I look back and see where things have gone, how God has taken me through some really dark places and held me through it all I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude.

But back to my original subject. My relationship status. A few friends of mine here and there have taken to insisting I attempt to date and I am going to try. Try being key.

The problem with me dating is this: I really just want to be friends with someone, for a really long time, and then eventually fall in love. It may be fear-based - the ex-husband ripped my heart out and threw it in a wood-chipper and then ate the leftover pieces. So to be perfectly honest, the thought of “dating” someone in the traditional sense actually makes me nauseous. How can one possibly get to know someone in a real way if they are always trying to impress you and you never see the real person? I haven’t figured it out….hence my friendship theory.