Anxiety and all that comes with it.

I've confessed it before but I'm gonna say it again, sometimes anxiety kicks my butt.  Today was an anxious day, and no it had nothing to do with football.

When I sat down in church this morning it hit me in the face.  I wasn't expecting or looking for it, it was just there.  I wanted to run to the bathroom and barf, but I forced myself to stand and worship.  I knew why I was anxious and knew the only way I was going to get through it was to keep looking up.  

But I really just wanted to throw up.

Picking up my keys, I started for the door.  But I stopped, I knew if I didn't push through it now it'd be there again in some way or form.  I had to break through it.  And so I sat back down.

I prayed and I tried to sing the words to the songs.  I kept losing track of the words and my singing would stop as my mind raced through every anxious, angry and upset thought.  Choking back angry sobs that I refused to let out, I breathed deep and tried to feel God's presence in church.  Why here? Why the one place where I've always felt safe?  

Waves of nausea coursed through me and I felt my throat constricting as I tried to breath.  

Then worship stopped and I sat.

I was gritting my teeth and trying to breathe when I looked up at a sweet older lady standing in front of me.  "I've been praying for you, and God gave me this for you." She handed me a note. I didn't really know her, I only knew her first name.  She chatted with me for a minute, and then I sat and read what she had written to me.

"Give me the fear - all of it.  It isn't yours. The enemy has planted it to steal your peace and joy. Fear is nothing more than False Evidence Appearing Real.  Trust me.  I am with you and for you."

Tears finally flowed and my breath came deeper.  My thoughts started to slow from the race they were on, to more of a jog.  

It wasn't instant, but my fears began to melt into truth.  

A smile escaped when the pastor shared Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

It's a scripture I've tried to argue away, saying it was given for a certain time and certain people.  

But I can't argue with the timing that it was delivered this morning to my ears. 

Or that two weeks ago a friend told me she had a dream about me and the message she got from the dream for me was "do not fear."

I have nothing to fear because He is with me. 

It's evening now.  My nausea is almost gone.  My tears have dried.  My heart is beating at a normal pace.  I'm trying once again to let go of the control that I want to have on life and love.  I really don't understand God right now. But my heart knows that that He sees and loves me.  I don't know the "why" around a lot of things.  And there's a lot that aches in my heart.  But I know He's here with me and He can take away my fears if I just let him.