I was trying to get him to put his pajamas on and he didn't want them on. A battle of wills commenced and he proceeded to show me with all his two year old maturity how much he didn't want his pajamas on. I was getting frustrated and impatient as I tried to wiggle his squirming little body into the clothes. That's when I stopped and said a quick prayer "God, please give Tristen and I both peace right now." Within seconds he stopped squirming and fighting me and rested his head on my shoulder with his arms wrapped around my neck. I held him like that for awhile... it was perfect and peaceful, just like we needed in that moment.
When I went to set him down a few minutes later he stopped me "Mom.....I just want to be with you." I carried him on my hip around the house for a few minutes and we talked about things that moms and toddlers talk about, then he stopped. The words that came out of his mouth next surprised me and came out of nowhere "Momma.....dose other guys....dey have daddies." I paused. Not sure what to say. The nagging fear I'd had of my baby realizing our family is different from his friends' families hit me in the face. My ex-husband has been out of my life since I was 6 weeks pregnant with my baby. My baby has never met his dad, and truthfully, his dad never really comes up as his parental rights are non-existent right now. I struggled for the right words and just lamely said "Those guys? What guys?" "My friends....they all have daddies and mommies, but I just have a mommy." My heart stopped for a moment. My baby has recognized the difference and tears welled up in my eyes as my inadequacy as a parent mocked me in my face. I didn't know what to say. I just stood and held my little boy and tried to think of how to make this okay....was it time for me to explain that he does have a dad? How do you explain that to a two-year old? Instead I just said "Are you okay with that?" I regretted it as soon as I said it. What if he's not okay with it? What do I say then? And then my baby looked at me with both his arms around my neck and spoke words I couldn't have imagined possibly coming out of my two year old's mouth - "Yeah. You're enough Momma."
How did he know that that was exactly what I needed to hear? I almost never feel like I am "enough" for my kids. Sometimes, even though I know the failure of my marriage wasn't something I could have stopped, I still feel like I failed by not giving my kids someone worthy of being their father. Truthfully....my baby is two and as intelligent as he is I don't think he could possibly know what "enough" meant to me. My mind is still blown. That God knew what I needed to hear and somehow used my little 2 year old precious wild-child of a baby to speak that love into my heart? How can I put into words the love I feel right now for Him, and for him...that little round eyed boy full of love? I am undeserving of such things. Yet somehow God picked me.
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When I went to set him down a few minutes later he stopped me "Mom.....I just want to be with you." I carried him on my hip around the house for a few minutes and we talked about things that moms and toddlers talk about, then he stopped. The words that came out of his mouth next surprised me and came out of nowhere "Momma.....dose other guys....dey have daddies." I paused. Not sure what to say. The nagging fear I'd had of my baby realizing our family is different from his friends' families hit me in the face. My ex-husband has been out of my life since I was 6 weeks pregnant with my baby. My baby has never met his dad, and truthfully, his dad never really comes up as his parental rights are non-existent right now. I struggled for the right words and just lamely said "Those guys? What guys?" "My friends....they all have daddies and mommies, but I just have a mommy." My heart stopped for a moment. My baby has recognized the difference and tears welled up in my eyes as my inadequacy as a parent mocked me in my face. I didn't know what to say. I just stood and held my little boy and tried to think of how to make this okay....was it time for me to explain that he does have a dad? How do you explain that to a two-year old? Instead I just said "Are you okay with that?" I regretted it as soon as I said it. What if he's not okay with it? What do I say then? And then my baby looked at me with both his arms around my neck and spoke words I couldn't have imagined possibly coming out of my two year old's mouth - "Yeah. You're enough Momma."
How did he know that that was exactly what I needed to hear? I almost never feel like I am "enough" for my kids. Sometimes, even though I know the failure of my marriage wasn't something I could have stopped, I still feel like I failed by not giving my kids someone worthy of being their father. Truthfully....my baby is two and as intelligent as he is I don't think he could possibly know what "enough" meant to me. My mind is still blown. That God knew what I needed to hear and somehow used my little 2 year old precious wild-child of a baby to speak that love into my heart? How can I put into words the love I feel right now for Him, and for him...that little round eyed boy full of love? I am undeserving of such things. Yet somehow God picked me.
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