Pushing pause

Last week I found myself being questioned about my dating life by a guy that was interested in me.  "Tell me about your dating life since your ex husband?" It took less than 20 seconds to state everything he needed to know.  1 8-month relationship.  1 non-relationship "thing."  And a several guys that had showed interest but I wasn't reciprocal.

I didn't think it was that weird.

So I asked about his dating life and he went on to describe the pros and cons of match.com, dating coworkers, eharmony, Christian mingle, dating friends, dating church girls.  Just basically a whole bunch of dating in just a few years.  

Like he couldn't even remember the names of most the women.  

Serial dating. Hooking up.  Dating just to date.  

I began to feel like there was something wrong with me because I haven't gone on a bunch of dates or hooked up with a bunch of guys. I found myself self-conscious about my inexperience.  

Other than the 2 guys I've mentioned, I've turned everything else down pretty fast.  

We changed subjects but then ended up back there again later in the conversation. 

"So Jess....you're a pretty girl, you seem to be handling life pretty well especially considering what you've gone through....why are you single? What's wrong with you?"

I naturally ignored the compliments in the sentence and felt insulted by the question.   I was instantly on the defense. Defending singleness like its some lesser state of being.  Like there must be something wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend.  

And this is something I'm realizing is all too common.

Seriously.  At least once a week I get asked if I've met anyone by some well-intentioned soul.  Like my life can't move forward unless it's with a man.

I'm not saying I don't want a relationship.  I do.  I really do.  God made me to be a wife.  When I was one I enjoyed doing wifely things, cooking, cleaning, caring for my husband and kids, I was imperfect of course, and there are definitely things I'll do different next time, but I know that God created me for relationship.  I crave it. 

That said.  Singleness is a much happier place than a miserable marriage.  Trust me.  I know.  

When it comes down to it, I'd rather be single forever than be in a marriage that is miserable forever.   

So what is so wrong with being single? What is so wrong with not desiring to hook up or date around? What is so wrong with waiting for more healing to come to your soul before diving into something new?  

I have enough of a past with a failed marriage and the few relationships I've been in.  I don't need to develop more war wounds on this singleness journey.  

Someday I trust God that he will come. But I'm pushing pause on the search for a moment so I can regroup.   My soul needs more healing.  My understanding of Gods character needs more depth.  My definition of myself can no longer be based on how the man in my life treats me. I have a lot of deep wounds that need healed up and my last "thing" with a man made that glaringly obvious to me.   

I'm not giving my "pause" a timeline.  It could be a year. 5 years. 2 weeks.  Only God knows how long I need.  If there's anything I know about God it's that His timing and my timing are rarely the same.  

I want to be able to give my future spouse a healed up and whole woman and I'm simply not there yet.  

My Tears Stopped

My two year old has been very 2 lately.  He's challenged me on everything.  Like EVERYTHING.   For example.  While giving him a bath today I moved the shower curtain to partially close it because he was playing and splashing.  And oh my-lanta you would of thought I flushed his favorite toy down the toilet or something.  The fit that commenced was wretched.   Yesterday while laying him down for his nap?  "Mama....I the boss of you."  "No buddy you're not.  I love you, but you're not the boss."  "YES I AM THE BOSS!!! I AM THE BOSS OF YOU!!!!!!!" Sigh.

This is my life.

But I had another moment with him the other day that kinda melted my heart though I have to explain a little bit first.

I've been feeling challenged on my prayer life lately.  You know when you say you'll pray for someone and you say like a 30 second prayer for them and forget about it after that?  Ok, maybe no one else knows the feeling but I do and I've been feeling really convicted about it.  I really want to be a friend that can be counted on to actually pray for people that need prayer. At the beginning of this week when I was feeling most convicted I decided to program reminders into my phone for all of the different things I need to pray for.  The basics like my kids, my family, my ongoing court situation with my ex husband, and then the specific friend situations that I had said I would pray for - marriages, physical healing and so on.

At 9:00 every day a reminder goes off for me to pray for my kids and I've been doing it.

For the last week Tristen has been having a really rough time with daycare.  His regular pre-school teacher is on vacation for two weeks and so he has had subs every day.  Normally he run's into pre-school excited for his day.  When I've dropped him off in the mornings on the way to work this past week he has cried and clung to me because she wasn't there for him.  Totally breaks my heart as I HATE that my kids have to be in daycare anyways (though our daycare is wonderful) and it's just extra hard hearing him cry when I leave him.

The other day I was playing with Tristen in his room.  We were sitting with some trains and talking about them when out of no where he said "Mama, do you pray for me?"
"Well yeah buddy, I pray for you every day.  I prayed for you this morning when I dropped you off too because I knew you were sad."    He sighed a little toddler sigh.  "Mama.  My tears stopped." "What do you mean bud?" I asked.  "I was sad and you prayed then my tears stopped."  We went back to playing trains together and I melted inside a little.   I love his sweet little heart, fits and all, that knows deep inside the power of prayer.  He is such a precious gift.

Blessed Be

Almost 9 years ago when I got married I can remember sitting down to pick out the music for the ceremony.  Oddly enough this was actually more important to me than the kind of flowers I had or my cake or my dress. I wanted it to be meaningful and memorable and I definitely wasn't going to walk down the aisle to something that was the status quo. Music has always been a part of who I am, I'm a musical creature despite my inability to sing anything you'd ever want to hear.  (My kids have all told me to stop singing at one point or another because I am so terrible!!!!)  So I picked a cover of a classic Keith Green song, choreographed my processional (true story) and I walked down the aisle to an electric guitar solo at the end of the song.  Marriage failure or not, it was pretty cool.

But I also picked a song that at the time I thought was good and meaningful and appropriate for both of us.  It's what we ended up walking out to for the recessional.

The chorus was:

"You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your name"

It comes from a scripture in Job, something Job said after losing everything in his life other than his wife and three kinda lame friends.  

Job's heart was something I admired. At the time I wanted to believe that I was going to bless God no matter what happened in my life.  But I have definitely not walked out that song since my marriage ended and my life exploded. I spent a lot of time (am still spending a lot of time) questioning God and his goodness.    

I've found myself easily identifying with Mack in the book The Shack in a scene where he questions God's goodness and Jesus response to him (and I'm sharing the shorter version) "......you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you.  You sing about it.  You talk about it.  But you don't know it"

I was so saddened about myself and my state of mind when I read that because it's true.  I find myself frequently questioning God and His goodness. But I know I'm not alone.  Surely anyone that has gone through some life tragedy knows what it's like to wonder where God was and why he didn't protect His kids. 

But the thing is, I don't want to be in this spot.  I want to know Him and His love for me.  And maybe that is the path that God is trying to take me down - the path of knowing Him and His character in a deeper way.  I'm kinda looking forward to seeing what God shows me.

Don Jon

First I have to admit that I watched this movie, which I'm pretty sure takes the award for "most raunchy movie I've ever laid eyes on."  It made me blush, and I'm an ex-wife with 3 kids - impressive.

That said, when I saw the preview to this movie, I knew I had to see it.  My favorite actor (since Angels in the Outfield) doing a movie about the damages of porn? Sounds refreshing.   And this is mainstream media, not Christian media, so I knew it wasn't going be (please don't hate me for saying this!!!) cheesy. So I sat through the first 20 minutes or so of pure raunchiness knowing and anticipating the message I knew would be coming. 

JGL held nothing back in detailing the realities of the problem.   

 "There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad.  My ride. My family. My church.  My boys. My girls.  My porn."

What I wasn't fully expecting and what I'm glad he also hit on was that girls do the same thing to men by buying into the lies fed to us by rom-coms and the latest Nicholas Sparks movie. 

For as long as I can remember I've felt annoyed by romantic movies.  I've watched them, but if you've ever watched a romantic movie with me you already know I'm not the girl sitting there with tissues.  I'm the one rolling my eyes and giggling at what is supposed to be a touching heartfelt line from boy to girl.  

I've always thought those type of movies were unreal, just like porn.

And I really like real.  

So I was pleasantly surprised and relieved watching Scarlett Johansons portrayal of "Barbara" a princess fed on romantic comedies vs JGL's incredibly man-whorish but lovable character and the havoc they wreaked on each other's lives.  Especially since (spoiler alert) they don't end up together as would be typical in a romantic comedy.  

I also liked that it detailed the dysfunction that was JGL's sex life. He would sleep with a beautiful woman, and then have to watch porn afterwards so that he could "lose himself" for a bit.  Saying that fact? Wow.  Just wow.  I'm so glad that a man finally had the balls to say exactly what it does - A real woman is not enough anymore.

I also loved some of the more subtle details that he included that showed the objectification that happens.  The main character repeatedly refers to Barbara as "the most beautiful thing he has ever seen."  And in a scene where his father is talking about his mother, the father states "that's mine." It was subtle but I caught it. 

I didn't expect the movie to give any eternal value, this isn't Christian media, but I was kinda enjoying the message that was ultimately given at the end of it, at least in how it relates to sexuality. 

"If you want to lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person. It's a two-way thing."

This movie made me stop, think and question things in regards to relationships and sex.  While I don't necessarily agree with the quote above as an end all - losing yourself in a person is not the answer to life's problems - I was glad that this movie did what I hoped it would which was showing the damages that porn does to a person and how it destroys relationships the way that they were intended to be. 

All in all - great movie, don't watch it unless you have a high tolerance for dirty language and sexuality. And thanks JGL for saying it.

Anxiety and all that comes with it.

I've confessed it before but I'm gonna say it again, sometimes anxiety kicks my butt.  Today was an anxious day, and no it had nothing to do with football.

When I sat down in church this morning it hit me in the face.  I wasn't expecting or looking for it, it was just there.  I wanted to run to the bathroom and barf, but I forced myself to stand and worship.  I knew why I was anxious and knew the only way I was going to get through it was to keep looking up.  

But I really just wanted to throw up.

Picking up my keys, I started for the door.  But I stopped, I knew if I didn't push through it now it'd be there again in some way or form.  I had to break through it.  And so I sat back down.

I prayed and I tried to sing the words to the songs.  I kept losing track of the words and my singing would stop as my mind raced through every anxious, angry and upset thought.  Choking back angry sobs that I refused to let out, I breathed deep and tried to feel God's presence in church.  Why here? Why the one place where I've always felt safe?  

Waves of nausea coursed through me and I felt my throat constricting as I tried to breath.  

Then worship stopped and I sat.

I was gritting my teeth and trying to breathe when I looked up at a sweet older lady standing in front of me.  "I've been praying for you, and God gave me this for you." She handed me a note. I didn't really know her, I only knew her first name.  She chatted with me for a minute, and then I sat and read what she had written to me.

"Give me the fear - all of it.  It isn't yours. The enemy has planted it to steal your peace and joy. Fear is nothing more than False Evidence Appearing Real.  Trust me.  I am with you and for you."

Tears finally flowed and my breath came deeper.  My thoughts started to slow from the race they were on, to more of a jog.  

It wasn't instant, but my fears began to melt into truth.  

A smile escaped when the pastor shared Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

It's a scripture I've tried to argue away, saying it was given for a certain time and certain people.  

But I can't argue with the timing that it was delivered this morning to my ears. 

Or that two weeks ago a friend told me she had a dream about me and the message she got from the dream for me was "do not fear."

I have nothing to fear because He is with me. 

It's evening now.  My nausea is almost gone.  My tears have dried.  My heart is beating at a normal pace.  I'm trying once again to let go of the control that I want to have on life and love.  I really don't understand God right now. But my heart knows that that He sees and loves me.  I don't know the "why" around a lot of things.  And there's a lot that aches in my heart.  But I know He's here with me and He can take away my fears if I just let him.

Is The Pursuit of a Woman Dead?

I got in a debate with a male friend of mine regarding men pursuing females when it comes to relationships.

I was raised in a home where I was taught to let the men do the pursuing.  Don't be forward, don't chase, don't call him, don't state that you like him up front.  Let. Him. Pursue. You.  The End.  For all of my younger dating years this is what I did and it worked well.  Keep in mind, this was all pre-facebook, pre-MySpace, and the first few guys that scored my phone number had to call my home phone and go through the gauntlet of my parents and siblings answering the phone first.  Let's not even get started on the call-waiting and siblings listening in on the other line issues.   My point being, I didn't go out there and tell guys that I liked them or ask them out, I let them ask for my phone number, let them pursue the date, let them actually pick me up (and yes, I made them come to the door and meet my family, duh!) and let them buy dinner.   This was just how it was a decade ago, at least in my world.

But feminist minds have spoken, and things have changed.

I can remember my non-homeschooled friends telling me about Tolo and it blew my mind.  "Wait....YOU ask the guy to go to the dance with you?  Huh?  That's normal?"  I couldn't fathom it then and I still have issues wrapping my mind around it now.

Going out of my way to let a guy know I'm into him was just weird to me. It's still weird to me.

I have once, and only once confessed my feelings for a man first.  I thought he liked me and was just bad with words or something.  And man, that did not turn out well for me.  I vowed to never again to tell a guy that I liked him in the beginning.  Rejection is harsh, especially when it comes from a person you've had a crush on for a long time.  And yes, I acknowledge that perhaps it is a bit unfair to expect that only men have to feel disappointed when it turns out that feelings are not mutual.

Which brings me to this debate.

My friend has stated to me on numerous occasions that I expect a man to do 90 percent of the pursuing while I give 10.   And he's right.   That is exactly how I feel about the beginning of a relationship.  I feel very different about marriage of course, this is just meant to be about the beginning of a dating relationship. But his point was that it's simply not that way. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but it's not now.  Men have grown tired of having women lead them on and play games with their heads (thanks girls!)  and now expect that women will match the pursuing 50/50 if they are actually interested.  Men take a lack of female pursuit as a lack of interest.  He stated to me that of all of his friends he only knows one, just one friend, that is into the idea of being the pursuer and turned off by female pursuit.

I am still of the mindset that a man should initially do the majority of the pursuing.  I have to wonder though, how much of that is truth, how much of that is how I was raised and how much of it is due to the mortification I felt after telling a man I liked him and being rejected?  Is it really this way or do I just not want to get hurt again and reverting back to my pre-marriage/divorce routine of letting the male do the pursuing is more comfortable than putting myself out there and risking the heartache?  Do men really want to pursue females?  Do men expect us to meet them half way?  Are men turned off if a female reciprocates pursuit?

I googled all this, and searched through the Bible for answers and still haven't come to a conclusion.

I'd love to hear what people think on this one as I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that has wondered this.

Nightime Routines Have Gotten Longer

I've always been a big fan of sleep-training for kids.  I loved Babywise and my kids have been great sleepers thanks to it.  Being able to keep kids on a routine is pretty helpful no matter what, but especially when you're a single parent.

But I've let routine change and I'm not ashamed of it. 

About two month's ago my baby, who previously had gone to bed with the normal bedtime routine of a few songs, a story, a drink and bed, asked if "Bubba" could snuggle him instead of me.  

 I was a little bummed that it wasn't me he wanted, but let Casey crawl in bed with him thinking he'd snuggle him for a few minutes and get back in bed.

But he didn't and when I went in to check on them before going to bed myself I found the two of them snuggled up together fast asleep.

And so began the sibling co-sleeping party that has been bedtime at my house for the last two months.

At first I would tuck them all in the bed doing the usual prayers and blanket tucking for the older two, and the previously mentioned song and snuggle with the baby and then I would go to the living room and wait.

Soon I would hear a set of feet (Olivia) sneaking out of her room into her brother's room.  Then I would hear the bunk bed ladder creak.  Soon giggles and whispers would follow and yes, all three of my kids would be snuggled in Tristen's bed whispering and playing together.

Now I don't even try to separate them.  I tuck them all into Tristen's bed and that is that.

Eventually they either fall asleep together or the giggling turn's into roaring laughter and I have to separate them all again and lay down the sleep time law's.    But I'm kinda in love with this phase of my kids life.

Watching their relationships and sibling bond makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm not planning on stopping this.  I hope it lasts.  I hope my kids stay friends and keep sneaking into each other's rooms at night (or just laying down together at night) to giggle and talk with each other.  I want them to be best friends, to love each other, and to share secret's with each other, to hug each other and play with each other, even if it's when they really should be sleeping.  And I'm just not going to stop this because........why?