Pushing pause

Last week I found myself being questioned about my dating life by a guy that was interested in me.  "Tell me about your dating life since your ex husband?" It took less than 20 seconds to state everything he needed to know.  1 8-month relationship.  1 non-relationship "thing."  And a several guys that had showed interest but I wasn't reciprocal.

I didn't think it was that weird.

So I asked about his dating life and he went on to describe the pros and cons of match.com, dating coworkers, eharmony, Christian mingle, dating friends, dating church girls.  Just basically a whole bunch of dating in just a few years.  

Like he couldn't even remember the names of most the women.  

Serial dating. Hooking up.  Dating just to date.  

I began to feel like there was something wrong with me because I haven't gone on a bunch of dates or hooked up with a bunch of guys. I found myself self-conscious about my inexperience.  

Other than the 2 guys I've mentioned, I've turned everything else down pretty fast.  

We changed subjects but then ended up back there again later in the conversation. 

"So Jess....you're a pretty girl, you seem to be handling life pretty well especially considering what you've gone through....why are you single? What's wrong with you?"

I naturally ignored the compliments in the sentence and felt insulted by the question.   I was instantly on the defense. Defending singleness like its some lesser state of being.  Like there must be something wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend.  

And this is something I'm realizing is all too common.

Seriously.  At least once a week I get asked if I've met anyone by some well-intentioned soul.  Like my life can't move forward unless it's with a man.

I'm not saying I don't want a relationship.  I do.  I really do.  God made me to be a wife.  When I was one I enjoyed doing wifely things, cooking, cleaning, caring for my husband and kids, I was imperfect of course, and there are definitely things I'll do different next time, but I know that God created me for relationship.  I crave it. 

That said.  Singleness is a much happier place than a miserable marriage.  Trust me.  I know.  

When it comes down to it, I'd rather be single forever than be in a marriage that is miserable forever.   

So what is so wrong with being single? What is so wrong with not desiring to hook up or date around? What is so wrong with waiting for more healing to come to your soul before diving into something new?  

I have enough of a past with a failed marriage and the few relationships I've been in.  I don't need to develop more war wounds on this singleness journey.  

Someday I trust God that he will come. But I'm pushing pause on the search for a moment so I can regroup.   My soul needs more healing.  My understanding of Gods character needs more depth.  My definition of myself can no longer be based on how the man in my life treats me. I have a lot of deep wounds that need healed up and my last "thing" with a man made that glaringly obvious to me.   

I'm not giving my "pause" a timeline.  It could be a year. 5 years. 2 weeks.  Only God knows how long I need.  If there's anything I know about God it's that His timing and my timing are rarely the same.  

I want to be able to give my future spouse a healed up and whole woman and I'm simply not there yet.