Blessed Be

Almost 9 years ago when I got married I can remember sitting down to pick out the music for the ceremony.  Oddly enough this was actually more important to me than the kind of flowers I had or my cake or my dress. I wanted it to be meaningful and memorable and I definitely wasn't going to walk down the aisle to something that was the status quo. Music has always been a part of who I am, I'm a musical creature despite my inability to sing anything you'd ever want to hear.  (My kids have all told me to stop singing at one point or another because I am so terrible!!!!)  So I picked a cover of a classic Keith Green song, choreographed my processional (true story) and I walked down the aisle to an electric guitar solo at the end of the song.  Marriage failure or not, it was pretty cool.

But I also picked a song that at the time I thought was good and meaningful and appropriate for both of us.  It's what we ended up walking out to for the recessional.

The chorus was:

"You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your name"

It comes from a scripture in Job, something Job said after losing everything in his life other than his wife and three kinda lame friends.  

Job's heart was something I admired. At the time I wanted to believe that I was going to bless God no matter what happened in my life.  But I have definitely not walked out that song since my marriage ended and my life exploded. I spent a lot of time (am still spending a lot of time) questioning God and his goodness.    

I've found myself easily identifying with Mack in the book The Shack in a scene where he questions God's goodness and Jesus response to him (and I'm sharing the shorter version) "......you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you.  You sing about it.  You talk about it.  But you don't know it"

I was so saddened about myself and my state of mind when I read that because it's true.  I find myself frequently questioning God and His goodness. But I know I'm not alone.  Surely anyone that has gone through some life tragedy knows what it's like to wonder where God was and why he didn't protect His kids. 

But the thing is, I don't want to be in this spot.  I want to know Him and His love for me.  And maybe that is the path that God is trying to take me down - the path of knowing Him and His character in a deeper way.  I'm kinda looking forward to seeing what God shows me.