Don Jon

First I have to admit that I watched this movie, which I'm pretty sure takes the award for "most raunchy movie I've ever laid eyes on."  It made me blush, and I'm an ex-wife with 3 kids - impressive.

That said, when I saw the preview to this movie, I knew I had to see it.  My favorite actor (since Angels in the Outfield) doing a movie about the damages of porn? Sounds refreshing.   And this is mainstream media, not Christian media, so I knew it wasn't going be (please don't hate me for saying this!!!) cheesy. So I sat through the first 20 minutes or so of pure raunchiness knowing and anticipating the message I knew would be coming. 

JGL held nothing back in detailing the realities of the problem.   

 "There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad.  My ride. My family. My church.  My boys. My girls.  My porn."

What I wasn't fully expecting and what I'm glad he also hit on was that girls do the same thing to men by buying into the lies fed to us by rom-coms and the latest Nicholas Sparks movie. 

For as long as I can remember I've felt annoyed by romantic movies.  I've watched them, but if you've ever watched a romantic movie with me you already know I'm not the girl sitting there with tissues.  I'm the one rolling my eyes and giggling at what is supposed to be a touching heartfelt line from boy to girl.  

I've always thought those type of movies were unreal, just like porn.

And I really like real.  

So I was pleasantly surprised and relieved watching Scarlett Johansons portrayal of "Barbara" a princess fed on romantic comedies vs JGL's incredibly man-whorish but lovable character and the havoc they wreaked on each other's lives.  Especially since (spoiler alert) they don't end up together as would be typical in a romantic comedy.  

I also liked that it detailed the dysfunction that was JGL's sex life. He would sleep with a beautiful woman, and then have to watch porn afterwards so that he could "lose himself" for a bit.  Saying that fact? Wow.  Just wow.  I'm so glad that a man finally had the balls to say exactly what it does - A real woman is not enough anymore.

I also loved some of the more subtle details that he included that showed the objectification that happens.  The main character repeatedly refers to Barbara as "the most beautiful thing he has ever seen."  And in a scene where his father is talking about his mother, the father states "that's mine." It was subtle but I caught it. 

I didn't expect the movie to give any eternal value, this isn't Christian media, but I was kinda enjoying the message that was ultimately given at the end of it, at least in how it relates to sexuality. 

"If you want to lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person. It's a two-way thing."

This movie made me stop, think and question things in regards to relationships and sex.  While I don't necessarily agree with the quote above as an end all - losing yourself in a person is not the answer to life's problems - I was glad that this movie did what I hoped it would which was showing the damages that porn does to a person and how it destroys relationships the way that they were intended to be. 

All in all - great movie, don't watch it unless you have a high tolerance for dirty language and sexuality. And thanks JGL for saying it.

Anxiety and all that comes with it.

I've confessed it before but I'm gonna say it again, sometimes anxiety kicks my butt.  Today was an anxious day, and no it had nothing to do with football.

When I sat down in church this morning it hit me in the face.  I wasn't expecting or looking for it, it was just there.  I wanted to run to the bathroom and barf, but I forced myself to stand and worship.  I knew why I was anxious and knew the only way I was going to get through it was to keep looking up.  

But I really just wanted to throw up.

Picking up my keys, I started for the door.  But I stopped, I knew if I didn't push through it now it'd be there again in some way or form.  I had to break through it.  And so I sat back down.

I prayed and I tried to sing the words to the songs.  I kept losing track of the words and my singing would stop as my mind raced through every anxious, angry and upset thought.  Choking back angry sobs that I refused to let out, I breathed deep and tried to feel God's presence in church.  Why here? Why the one place where I've always felt safe?  

Waves of nausea coursed through me and I felt my throat constricting as I tried to breath.  

Then worship stopped and I sat.

I was gritting my teeth and trying to breathe when I looked up at a sweet older lady standing in front of me.  "I've been praying for you, and God gave me this for you." She handed me a note. I didn't really know her, I only knew her first name.  She chatted with me for a minute, and then I sat and read what she had written to me.

"Give me the fear - all of it.  It isn't yours. The enemy has planted it to steal your peace and joy. Fear is nothing more than False Evidence Appearing Real.  Trust me.  I am with you and for you."

Tears finally flowed and my breath came deeper.  My thoughts started to slow from the race they were on, to more of a jog.  

It wasn't instant, but my fears began to melt into truth.  

A smile escaped when the pastor shared Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

It's a scripture I've tried to argue away, saying it was given for a certain time and certain people.  

But I can't argue with the timing that it was delivered this morning to my ears. 

Or that two weeks ago a friend told me she had a dream about me and the message she got from the dream for me was "do not fear."

I have nothing to fear because He is with me. 

It's evening now.  My nausea is almost gone.  My tears have dried.  My heart is beating at a normal pace.  I'm trying once again to let go of the control that I want to have on life and love.  I really don't understand God right now. But my heart knows that that He sees and loves me.  I don't know the "why" around a lot of things.  And there's a lot that aches in my heart.  But I know He's here with me and He can take away my fears if I just let him.

Is The Pursuit of a Woman Dead?

I got in a debate with a male friend of mine regarding men pursuing females when it comes to relationships.

I was raised in a home where I was taught to let the men do the pursuing.  Don't be forward, don't chase, don't call him, don't state that you like him up front.  Let. Him. Pursue. You.  The End.  For all of my younger dating years this is what I did and it worked well.  Keep in mind, this was all pre-facebook, pre-MySpace, and the first few guys that scored my phone number had to call my home phone and go through the gauntlet of my parents and siblings answering the phone first.  Let's not even get started on the call-waiting and siblings listening in on the other line issues.   My point being, I didn't go out there and tell guys that I liked them or ask them out, I let them ask for my phone number, let them pursue the date, let them actually pick me up (and yes, I made them come to the door and meet my family, duh!) and let them buy dinner.   This was just how it was a decade ago, at least in my world.

But feminist minds have spoken, and things have changed.

I can remember my non-homeschooled friends telling me about Tolo and it blew my mind.  "Wait....YOU ask the guy to go to the dance with you?  Huh?  That's normal?"  I couldn't fathom it then and I still have issues wrapping my mind around it now.

Going out of my way to let a guy know I'm into him was just weird to me. It's still weird to me.

I have once, and only once confessed my feelings for a man first.  I thought he liked me and was just bad with words or something.  And man, that did not turn out well for me.  I vowed to never again to tell a guy that I liked him in the beginning.  Rejection is harsh, especially when it comes from a person you've had a crush on for a long time.  And yes, I acknowledge that perhaps it is a bit unfair to expect that only men have to feel disappointed when it turns out that feelings are not mutual.

Which brings me to this debate.

My friend has stated to me on numerous occasions that I expect a man to do 90 percent of the pursuing while I give 10.   And he's right.   That is exactly how I feel about the beginning of a relationship.  I feel very different about marriage of course, this is just meant to be about the beginning of a dating relationship. But his point was that it's simply not that way. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but it's not now.  Men have grown tired of having women lead them on and play games with their heads (thanks girls!)  and now expect that women will match the pursuing 50/50 if they are actually interested.  Men take a lack of female pursuit as a lack of interest.  He stated to me that of all of his friends he only knows one, just one friend, that is into the idea of being the pursuer and turned off by female pursuit.

I am still of the mindset that a man should initially do the majority of the pursuing.  I have to wonder though, how much of that is truth, how much of that is how I was raised and how much of it is due to the mortification I felt after telling a man I liked him and being rejected?  Is it really this way or do I just not want to get hurt again and reverting back to my pre-marriage/divorce routine of letting the male do the pursuing is more comfortable than putting myself out there and risking the heartache?  Do men really want to pursue females?  Do men expect us to meet them half way?  Are men turned off if a female reciprocates pursuit?

I googled all this, and searched through the Bible for answers and still haven't come to a conclusion.

I'd love to hear what people think on this one as I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that has wondered this.

Nightime Routines Have Gotten Longer

I've always been a big fan of sleep-training for kids.  I loved Babywise and my kids have been great sleepers thanks to it.  Being able to keep kids on a routine is pretty helpful no matter what, but especially when you're a single parent.

But I've let routine change and I'm not ashamed of it. 

About two month's ago my baby, who previously had gone to bed with the normal bedtime routine of a few songs, a story, a drink and bed, asked if "Bubba" could snuggle him instead of me.  

 I was a little bummed that it wasn't me he wanted, but let Casey crawl in bed with him thinking he'd snuggle him for a few minutes and get back in bed.

But he didn't and when I went in to check on them before going to bed myself I found the two of them snuggled up together fast asleep.

And so began the sibling co-sleeping party that has been bedtime at my house for the last two months.

At first I would tuck them all in the bed doing the usual prayers and blanket tucking for the older two, and the previously mentioned song and snuggle with the baby and then I would go to the living room and wait.

Soon I would hear a set of feet (Olivia) sneaking out of her room into her brother's room.  Then I would hear the bunk bed ladder creak.  Soon giggles and whispers would follow and yes, all three of my kids would be snuggled in Tristen's bed whispering and playing together.

Now I don't even try to separate them.  I tuck them all into Tristen's bed and that is that.

Eventually they either fall asleep together or the giggling turn's into roaring laughter and I have to separate them all again and lay down the sleep time law's.    But I'm kinda in love with this phase of my kids life.

Watching their relationships and sibling bond makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm not planning on stopping this.  I hope it lasts.  I hope my kids stay friends and keep sneaking into each other's rooms at night (or just laying down together at night) to giggle and talk with each other.  I want them to be best friends, to love each other, and to share secret's with each other, to hug each other and play with each other, even if it's when they really should be sleeping.  And I'm just not going to stop this because........why?

My Game Changer

Months ago I stumbled onto this blog post from Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience."  If you're my facebook friend you already know how much I love this woman's writing.  But this post in particular hit a home run for me. (Seriously....go read it.)  I cried the first time I read it, and the second, and the third.  I was moved by the courage of her husband, her conviction in raising her son, and her ability to say it like it is - "to stay silent is to let perpetrators perpetuate."

I'm not here to talk about perpetrators and rape though, I'm here to talk about the heart of the post - raising a boy to honor women.

The thing I'm struggling with and I'm bringing before my readers (all 2 of them) is this: How do I, as a single mom teach my boys what it is to honor a woman?  What sort of example am I setting before them?

I haven't been a great example in the past. 

 I pray that the memories my oldest boy has of the way I allowed myself to be treated in years past fade and are lost. My heart would shatter if he followed that path.  That said, my kids have a great example in my father, if my boys grow up to treat a woman like he treats my mother we'll be in good shape.  

But what about my part?

I have to say that I've been really convicted on my part.

I spoke with a friend today at church and we both stated in the conversation how we will allow men to treat us poorly, tolerate it, try and change ourselves to be better because we blame ourselves for it, and beat ourselves up for everything that goes wrong, but if our kids are mistreated all hell breaks loose.   I was convicted.  What kind of example do I want to leave for my daughter and my sons?  Why is it okay for someone to treat me poorly but not my kids? The way I allow a man to treat me is the way my daughter will allow men to treat her and the way my boys will treat women.  What am I letting my kids see? This is challenging because I'm not married.  My dating life - though the majority of it will initially be done out of sight of my kids, at some point they will meet whoever I end up with in the future and what kind of guy will that be?  I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I've approached dating in a somewhat selfish way not really looking at the long term, not really thinking "What if my boys turn out like him?" and "Does he treat me how I want my daughter to be treated?"  Those two questions are game-changers for me.   I don't ever want to be accused of being a diva-princess that thinks that no man is good enough for me (and I don't think I am one) but I do want to be more future minded and intentional about the kind of men I allow in.   I have no business dating if I can't approach it from a group mindset - what is best for ALL of us.

Maybe this is just common sense for most women, actually,  I'm sure it is. In fact, I'm guessing most people reading this are thinking "you JUST figured this out?"  Well.....I have heard it before, but it really just "clicked" for me recently. For someone like me, someone who's "picker" is broken, it's a new mindset, a new way of approaching relationships, and I'm hopeful that my remembering what really matters in men will make a difference.   

There are good men out there, I believe it. 

The Man After God's Own Heart

It's Sunday today.  I spent the morning at church and the afternoon at my parents where there is no TV.  They have a flat-screen, but you can only watch DVD's and VHS on it.  There is no satellite.   So I watched the football game via facebook (I obviously cared a TON about it) and jumped on the football bandwagon when the Hawks won.

So really, it was a quiet afternoon.  There were no boys yelling and throwing Skittles around, just my mom, little sister and my kids.  I crocheted myself a pair gloves while sitting and thinking on this morning's sermon.   Pastor Chuck had a great message, but in my mulling it over I got kinda stuck on the opening and found my mind wandering into a few things.

Psalms was mentioned at the beginning of the sermon, along with it's various authors, notably David, and our pastor made the point to mention how "real" Psalms was/is.   Psalms has long been my favorite book of the Bible for that very reason.  David is that character I've always felt like (had it been a different time and perhaps if I were a guy) we would have been best friends.  He has always been the most "real" person in the Bible to me.  So much so that my third child's middle name is "David" for that reason.  

David is that guy that say's it like it is.  I remember thinking one time as I read through Psalms, noting how the chapters went from extreme joy and praise to total lament and anguish, how maybe David was bipolar.  But then I thought through my sometimes extreme feelings and how closely I could identify with David's feelings (and I'm not bipolar) and I realized that no, David is just that guy that say's things how they are.  Things are going good?  He's that guy dancing in the streets and praising God.  Things are going bad?  He is fasting, weeping and lamenting his situation.  He is not afraid of what other's think, he is a real guy with real feelings and he's not afraid to show them.

David is also that guy that made a whole lot of mistakes.  He was a murderer and adulterer. Our pastor cracked a joke today on how David probably wouldn't have been approved for eldership in the church, and it's probably true.  But yet the Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart.

I love that.

I love that even though we know of his many transgressions and faults, David is still known as a man after God's own heart.  He's not known as "David, the adulterer" or "David, the man with a lust problem" or "David, the murderer."  He is "The man after God's own heart."

He is that reminder to me that it is ok to question things, to be angry, to be upset, to cry, to be real when things just flat out suck.  And he's also that reminder to praise God and give thanks for all that is good.  God is the giver of good gifts and expressing our joy and thankfulness is a beautiful thing.

He's also that reminder to keep trying.   I fail SO often at life and it can be discouraging to look at all the mistakes I make.  Yet God is there, waiting for me.

I hope someday that I am not known for my mistakes (though I'm sure they are mostly well-known) but instead am known for my desire to know God intimately like David did.  To truly be a "woman after God's own heart."  How amazing would that be?

That's all I have for today.

GO HAWKS!!!!!!!

Just You and Me Here Now

This post has been mulling through my mind for a few days and I just haven't been able to sit down and put it all into words.  I had to process where God was taking this and what he was trying to say before I typed it all up and made a mess of it.

Maybe you know the scriptures in Proverbs that talk about "the multitude of counselors."  In case you don't: Proverbs 15:22 "Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed."  and Proverbs 11:14 "Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory."

I have been thinking a lot on those scriptures. I'm one that can sometimes (okay, a lot of times) make foolish choices because I didn't seek advice on something.   It's something I've really worked towards changing in me.   Advice is a really good thing, it's actually something God wants us to do - heed the cautions and advice of counselors.

But recently I've found myself in a situation, a situation that I've sought advice on from a few different people, and a situation that I've received conflicting points of advice on.

This has happened to me before.  A little less than 4 years ago I was going through a situation with my ex-husband, we were separated and truthfully, staying with him seemed like the foolish thing to do.  He was dangerous and I had already been physically and emotionally hurt.  The advice I received from others mostly seemed of the "kick him to the curb and run for your life" variety.  With lots of variety being key here, hence the confusion.  Most of it was good advice.  But I can remember someone saying to me something along the lines of "This is all good advice Jess, but what is GOD saying to YOU right now?"  I didn't have an answer.  I had received a bunch of great, and Godly advice, but I hadn't heard God for me.

I remember sitting in my room with my Bible looking up to God and asking him what He wanted.  I had my music on shuffle and as I prayed this song by David Crowder Band came on and I cried as I listened to the words:

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go

I lift it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only you Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

Be all my delights, be my everything

And it's just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

The "It's just you and me here now" hit me right in the heart.  It really was just God and I in that moment and I can remember feeling His presence there with me so strongly.

It was then that I was finally able to pray "God, not my will for my marriage, but Your will, I give it all to You. If being married is what You have then so be it, and if not, I trust You."

The thought went through my head of "I'm probably going to really upset some people if God tells me to take him back. Again."  But I took the leap of faith, pushed aside my fear of man, and surrendered it all to Him, trusting that even if the worst happened He had me in His hand.  

That was the biggest leap of faith I ever took in my life and it was a roller coaster from that point forward. I started to listen to God, on my own, for what seemed like the first time in my life.  

The ride landed me on a red-eye flight to San Francisco, a coked out husband in a seedy hotel, a 3 day motorcycle ride and me learning how to walk out forgiveness when someone really doesn't deserve it.  (But that is another long story).

A lot of people were mad at me for months about my choice.  Especially when it ended up with me pregnant and living in a women's shelter.  It seemed like my "not listening to advice" had landed me in a bad spot.  But then, as all the pieces started to fall into place it became apparent to all involved that God had worked a major miracle in my family.  I still think back to that point in time and feel like it's one of the few moments in my life where I actually did something right.   Most of the times I'm pretty messy and stupid about my choices, but that?  I am SO grateful that I stopped and heard God for me.  When He said "Forgive"  I did.  Because of God's direction, my kids and I are no longer in an abusive home.   (On a side note because I feel I have to say it -  I don't believe that God expects people to stay in abusive marriages. God miraculously protected me in that brief reunification that happened, and it served a purpose.....God had a plan.  I feel like I have to say that though because I would NEVER want someone to go back into something violent and dangerous because of me sharing this.  This was a specific situation and for a specific purpose. Side note over and out.)

That's kind of a long rabbit-trail to get to the point of this post.

I'm at that spot again in my life, not with a relationship, but with life decisions. That point where I've sought advice, listened to advice and just been a little bit confused.   

A friend asked me the other day when I voiced how confused I was about something else I was dealing with "Well...what did GOD say to you about it?"  I had to stop and think about it for a minute but I was able to answer.  

I want to be stopping and thinking about it always.  God does speak through others.  There are scriptures about it.   Advice is a good thing.  But sometimes you get to that point where you have to escape from all the well-intentioned voices, you have to stop the thought process that wonders which person you'll upset the least when you don't listen to their advice.  (Yeah....I've thought it.) You just have to stop and seek God for what HE has for you in that moment.  And fear not, because He is with you.   

That is where I am at right now. I have listened to a lot of great advice and taken it all into consideration, I'm seeking God for what He has by praying, reading, and listening to Him.  I still don't have the answers, but I do know one thing: It's peaceful here.