Moving on

Last year my good friend Tyler shared a sermon with me from Elevation Church called "The Horn, The Sword and The Robe."  It was probably one of the best sermons I've heard in my life.  It was applicable to everything I was going through at that time and it actually moved me to tears at the end.   

I shared a quote from it on Facebook back in January when I re-listened to it again.....

"Moving on doesn't mean you stop caring, it just means you can't change it. Moving on doesn't mean you stop hurting, It doesn't mean you stop wishing it could have been different, It just means you can't change the circumstance. You lift what's left of your life to God and say I'm empty, I'm disappointed in that, or I blew it, or they hurt me, I'm hurting but here's my heart. I'm hurting but there's still a joy." - Steven Furtik 

Moving on seems like such an easy thing for some people, and I'll admit there is a part of me that is a little jealous of the people that can just up and get over tragedy and heartbreak.  

I'm not one of those people.

I struggle with moving on.  I struggle with forgiveness.  I struggle with letting go.  I struggle with anger.  Not anger, like the "blow up and throw things" anger, but the kind of anger that gets suppressed and ends up haunting me in violent nightmares.  It's not fun.  

I pray about it often.  I also wonder why God wired me this way - this way where I feel so much for people that I just ache.  

I was watching the show Dexter last night (I'm only about 12 episodes in) at the point I'm at in the show he is a sociopath with no feelings.  He just pretends to feel.  I'm found myself wishing I could shut off the feelings, shut off the rawness of life and just be more logical and methodical like him (minus the serial killer thing).

Yes I realize that Dexter is that way because he saw his mom get chopped up with a chainsaw when he was 3.  So maybe I don't REALLY want to be like that.  

But being able to look at a situation with logic, and choose wisely would be nice.  So would being able to just shut the door on someone or something that's causing pain to my soul.   

When I heard that quote I shared above? It resonated with me.  It made me realize how "okay" it is that I am this way.  That feeling for people and situations, feeling heartache and loss, crying over tragedy?  That this pain I'm feeling? I can ignore it.  I can stuff it.   I can pretend it's not there. Or I can lift it up to God, give Him my rawness, my ache, my tears and see what He does with it. 

He is the master of turning ashes into beauty and I hope so very much that he can paint some sort of beautiful picture out of this heartache that I feel.