3

How is this sweet love of mine 3 already?

I will never forget the day in July of 2010 that I found out I was pregnant.

I had just finished setting up the video camera for my ex-husband so he could record a song he had written about me.  I knew something was "off" and had asked him if we could get a test just to be safe.  I'd been off birth control for over a year so it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, but we were still being careful as our marriage was in a rough spot and we were scared that a baby would put us in a worse spot.  When two pink lines popped up on the test I ran out to the kitchen to tell him.  "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!"  He was thrilled.  He jumped up and kissed me and yelled for the kids so we could tell them the news.  The most precious thing about all of it was that the camera recorded the whole thing, completely unplanned by both of us.  Some day, after I finally am able to share the whole story with T, I plan on showing him that video.   He's never met his dad, and I want him to know that despite all the stupid things that have happened since then, he was conceived in love and his dad truly was thrilled that I was pregnant.

At lot happened after that.  I spent a few weeks puking and caring for his dad as mental illness raged through his brain and things happened that I'm still not ready to talk about publicly.  Eventually I broke.  I thought I was miscarrying.  I was bleeding.  I was only 6 weeks pregnant. My husband was already with someone else. Again.  I ended up in the ER, convinced that I was losing my baby.   As I lay on the bed my heart slowed to a near stop and I lost consciousness.  When I woke the room was full of people and a crash cart was next to my bed. I was told that my heart had slowed to 15 beats per minute. 1 beat every 4 seconds.  My parents came to the room and I lay there white and nearly lifeless on the bed.  Scared that my life was over, my child was dead and my husband was gone.  

I'm pretty sure that was the saddest moment of my life.

I was wheeled to an ultrasound.  I couldn't see anything on the screen and my fears were raging.  The nurse wouldn't tell me anything.  Just that she needed to have a doctor look.

I spent another 30 minutes in total terror.

When the nurse finally came to tell me that everything was fine and I was still pregnant I cried sweet tears of relief.  

And so my pregnancy carried on.  I spent 8 weeks of it living in a shelter for women escaping violent relationships.  It was where I finally came to terms with the fact that I was an abuse victim.   The women there were beautiful.  We shared a precious bond of survival and strength. We each had our own nightmares.  We each had our own joys.   Instead of a husband sharing the joys of my infants first kicks I had a home full of women excited for me and anxious to meet my sweet little love.  

I finally was able to get in a home.  I moved in 8 weeks before my due date which was the date he chose to arrive.

In the nature of my pregnancy I chose to have a roomful of my friends there with me during my labor and delivery.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  And it hurt like hell.  

T.  I'm so glad that God planned you.  Yes, you were a bit of a surprise to me.  I didn't pick your timing.  God did, and I'm so very glad that He did because you were exactly what I needed to make myself get off the floor when my life fell a part.  You came out sporting the loudest scream I've ever heard an infant scream.  And then you fell into total peace and you stayed there till you turned 1.  Thank you for that year by the way.  I needed that.  I like to think of that year every time you scream "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" at me these days.  I like to reminisce about you falling asleep on my chest as I'm watching you pinch the dog or spilling chocolate milk on my new rug.  Sigh.....

I'm so glad I have you my sweet little boy full of music and energy.  I never have a quiet moment with you in my home.  Nor do I lack for kisses "just because."  Your snuggles are one of the brightest points of my days.  And the moment when I walk into your pre-school room every evening and you scream "MOM!!!!" and run for me?!?  Trust me when I say.....It's THE best.