Netflix, Bad Boys, and Co-Dependency

Being a single mom I frequently find myself alone in my living room with nothing to do past 8 pm.  If the house is clean and I have no laundry to fold my choices are kinda limited.  Read a book.  Do some sort of project.  Or watch Netflix.  I usually end up doing two of those things simultaneously.

I've watched a lot of Netflix.

My friend Beth and I were chatting the other day about our love of the show Gossip Girl.  Shut up.  Don't hate.   And sigh......Chuck Bass.  We love him.  Is there any man in any series that is more vile yet lovable than him?!  

I actually sat and pondered that rather stupid question for a minute.

Vile yet lovable men?

Sawyer from Lost.

Don Draper from Mad Men

Alex Karev from Greys Anatomy

Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck

Dexter 

Barney Stinson from HIMYM  (yes I know he's gay in real life, but c'mon?)

And let's not forget the classics - Indiana Jones and Hans Solo.  (Harrison Ford had that bad boy thing down!)

I realize that I can keep going here and the longer I go the more pathetic I look.  I've watched all of those except Dexter from start to finish. Every season.  Every episode. The sheer amount of wasted hours here is saddening, as is the fact that I enjoyed finding the images for this post.  What a dweeb....

But my point. 

We love our bad boys.  And that is proving to be a problem for me in life and here's why:

The things I'm attracted to and the things I glorify in fantasy will be the things I desire in real life.  There is real psychology behind this I promise. 

I am almost always attracted to the man with a bad side.  Not an evil side.  Not the addicts or the convicts.  Just the one with a bit of an "edge."

Cue the puddle of tears where I find out I'm being cheated on and the relationship ends.

Guy cheats, our relationship ends.  The story of my life in one sentence.  (Except for my relationship with Tyler).

So what is it about the bad boys?  Why are they so frequently the center of our media?  Why do we love them so?  Like Indy. It's a new woman in every movie, yet he is the hero of the series and we love him.   And Barney?  Disgusting man-whoreishness right there, and while we all love Ted, let's just admit here that HIMYM would not survive without Barney Stinson and his playbook.   

I haven't figured out the psychology behind it.  Despite trying to google it. (Yes I really did).  I just know that for me, what I find attractive in a man has to change. I know I'm not alone here, the state of our media is proof - we like our men with a little bit of bad.

Maybe it's because we are fed on romantic comedies and action flicks that we fail to see the beauty in the boring men around us.

I've thought often of that scene from Anne of Green Gables where Anne and her adoptive mom Marilla are discussing men - 
Anne: Fred is.....extremely good.
Marilla:  That is exactly what he should be!  Would you want to marry a wicked man?
Anne: Well, I wouldn't marry anyone who was really wicked, but I think I'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't.
Marilla: You'll have better sense someday, I hope. 

I hope I have better sense someday too. 

Yes I'm still "paused" on my dating life.   

When I get back into this whole dating thing I want to be looking for the right things.  You know things like "He's an amazing dad."  "He loves Jesus a whole lot"  "He wants a family"  those sort of wholesome things that should already be the things that I want in a guy.   I mean I always have wanted those, yet somehow I end up with something not even close to that.   I want to figure out what it is that draws me to the wrong ones and what keeps me in that spot.  I have a feeling I may be co-dependent and that concerns me.  The need to be needed or need to "fix" people is just unhealthy.  

My ex-husband told me when our relationship ended that he hated that I was "good." He hated that he felt like a bad person around me. He hated that I prayed for him. He hated that I loved God.  He hated that he felt like he had to change.

When I talked to a counselor about it she asked me if I was always trying to help him or fix him. 

Well yeah.  Why wouldn't you try and help someone that is drowning?

"Maybe you should look for someone that isn't drowning."

I can't think of a better plan for my future than that right there.   That and perhaps loving and accepting a person where they are at and not trying to change them.  I can only imagine how annoying my attempts at trying to fix someone were.  Only God can fix a man, not I.  

Fitness stuff.

So I'm just going to say a few things that I've learned in the last year of working out on a (mostly) consistent basis.

I have a love/hate relationship with cardio.

I fell in love with running a year ago.   I had ran before but never with a plan and a goal.  It was just something I did because I was a girl and we're supposed to do steady state cardio. (I'm saying that with a lot of sarcasm). Last year I set some fitness goals and running was included in them and so I did it.  I didn't expect to fall in love with running but I did.  Running has become my anxiety release.  Time for me to think.  Time for me to talk with God.  And that place that oddly enough brings me some spiritual peace.   I can't count the number of rough days I've had since then that have totally been made more peaceful by a 4 mile run.

Running is something I will keep doing because of the peace and the endurance I get from it.

That said.  My fitness goals?  When I quit doing other workouts and switched to JUST running I lost some of the results that I had gained in the winter/spring of last year.  Especially in my abs and arms. Then fall season hit with it's 12 hour days and Olive Garden breadsticks and I lost all the tone and regained all the fat from last year. 

In November I decided to join a new gym.  My YMCA membership had been expired for over a year and so I'd just been running and doing home workouts since then.

I quickly remembered how much I loved the weight room.  

I started reading and learning more about fitness when I rejoined the gym and found a lot of conflicting info.  

"Women should focus on fat-burning cardio"

"High-reps/low weights"

"You don't want to bulk up like a man so be careful not to lift too heavy."

Most of it was stuff I'd been hearing my whole life.

But then I started finding info on lifting for women, and not just the low weight/high rep stuff I'd always heard about.  But actual heavy lifting.  After a little bit of study I started throwing some heavy lifting into my routines. I'm already noticing a huge difference and the results have been much faster than I expected.  

I've finally gotten over my fear of the squat rack and my legs and butt are thanking me for it.  

So cardio/running? I love you because you are peaceful and you burn some fat too.  But I hate you because you really don't give me the results I want and you hurt my knees.  

But weight-lifting? You're quick and hard and get me where I want to be fast.  I think you're my new fitness BFF.

When it comes down to it - muscle burns more calories than fat does when you are in a resting state.  Now I'm not one to obsess about calories but I love good food and hate having a muffin top. Having more muscle is win/win.

So we'll see what happens over the next few months. I don't want to look like a body-builder.  But that said?  I can see my obliques again, my triceps are peeking through and I like it. Lifting my coffin bag at work has gotten a lot easier.  (It's called a coffin because it looks like one and weighs about as much as one.  Ha).  And I'm noticing that I'm not struggling with carrying all my heavy gear across school campuses like I used to.  Heavy lifting may stay awhile.  

(Post-workout sweaty selfie.)

Deep Breath's

Sometimes being a single parent is really hard.  I'm just gonna say it.

Though I will say this, I've found that raising 3 kids alone is easier than what I was doing before I was single.

So yes I'm raising 3 kids alone, but this little guy?  My-lanta, he's tough.

I remember this phase from when my other two were little.  But I don't remember it at the same time.

They had their own things, their own issues, their own lucky-charms and yogurt waterfalls down my black leather couch moments (that was Olivia).

But 2.  And I'm gonna guess 3.  These are tough years.

I'm pretty darn proud of the fact that he pee's standing up.

I'm pretty impressed by his communication skills which have always been super advanced for his age.

I'm amazed at how well he sings and the crazy amount of songs that he already knows by heart.

I love how affectionate he is to everyone.

I can't believe how well he counts and how good he is with letters and sounds.

He knows who Jesus is......that right there?  That is EVERYTHING.

But, these nights of fighting him when he simply looks at me and tells me "no."  When I don't know whether to discipline or repeat myself or force him to do what he was told to do?    These moments are the one's when single parenting is toughest.  When I try and put him to bed and he smacks me in the face?  How do I respond?  Is physical punishment the "right" thing.  Is it time out?  Do I just sit and hold his little angry writhing body until he calms down?

There are a million and one parenting books out there.  Tons of advice.  Tons of people in my life with an opinion.  And only one God telling me what to do.  In the heat of the moment with a two year old it is REALLY hard to hear what God wants you do to.

So I sigh a deep sigh.   Do my best.  Hope it works. Give it to God.  Trust Him.  Fear not.

Breathe deep.  He's got this.

3

How is this sweet love of mine 3 already?

I will never forget the day in July of 2010 that I found out I was pregnant.

I had just finished setting up the video camera for my ex-husband so he could record a song he had written about me.  I knew something was "off" and had asked him if we could get a test just to be safe.  I'd been off birth control for over a year so it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, but we were still being careful as our marriage was in a rough spot and we were scared that a baby would put us in a worse spot.  When two pink lines popped up on the test I ran out to the kitchen to tell him.  "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!"  He was thrilled.  He jumped up and kissed me and yelled for the kids so we could tell them the news.  The most precious thing about all of it was that the camera recorded the whole thing, completely unplanned by both of us.  Some day, after I finally am able to share the whole story with T, I plan on showing him that video.   He's never met his dad, and I want him to know that despite all the stupid things that have happened since then, he was conceived in love and his dad truly was thrilled that I was pregnant.

At lot happened after that.  I spent a few weeks puking and caring for his dad as mental illness raged through his brain and things happened that I'm still not ready to talk about publicly.  Eventually I broke.  I thought I was miscarrying.  I was bleeding.  I was only 6 weeks pregnant. My husband was already with someone else. Again.  I ended up in the ER, convinced that I was losing my baby.   As I lay on the bed my heart slowed to a near stop and I lost consciousness.  When I woke the room was full of people and a crash cart was next to my bed. I was told that my heart had slowed to 15 beats per minute. 1 beat every 4 seconds.  My parents came to the room and I lay there white and nearly lifeless on the bed.  Scared that my life was over, my child was dead and my husband was gone.  

I'm pretty sure that was the saddest moment of my life.

I was wheeled to an ultrasound.  I couldn't see anything on the screen and my fears were raging.  The nurse wouldn't tell me anything.  Just that she needed to have a doctor look.

I spent another 30 minutes in total terror.

When the nurse finally came to tell me that everything was fine and I was still pregnant I cried sweet tears of relief.  

And so my pregnancy carried on.  I spent 8 weeks of it living in a shelter for women escaping violent relationships.  It was where I finally came to terms with the fact that I was an abuse victim.   The women there were beautiful.  We shared a precious bond of survival and strength. We each had our own nightmares.  We each had our own joys.   Instead of a husband sharing the joys of my infants first kicks I had a home full of women excited for me and anxious to meet my sweet little love.  

I finally was able to get in a home.  I moved in 8 weeks before my due date which was the date he chose to arrive.

In the nature of my pregnancy I chose to have a roomful of my friends there with me during my labor and delivery.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  And it hurt like hell.  

T.  I'm so glad that God planned you.  Yes, you were a bit of a surprise to me.  I didn't pick your timing.  God did, and I'm so very glad that He did because you were exactly what I needed to make myself get off the floor when my life fell a part.  You came out sporting the loudest scream I've ever heard an infant scream.  And then you fell into total peace and you stayed there till you turned 1.  Thank you for that year by the way.  I needed that.  I like to think of that year every time you scream "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" at me these days.  I like to reminisce about you falling asleep on my chest as I'm watching you pinch the dog or spilling chocolate milk on my new rug.  Sigh.....

I'm so glad I have you my sweet little boy full of music and energy.  I never have a quiet moment with you in my home.  Nor do I lack for kisses "just because."  Your snuggles are one of the brightest points of my days.  And the moment when I walk into your pre-school room every evening and you scream "MOM!!!!" and run for me?!?  Trust me when I say.....It's THE best.

Pushing pause

Last week I found myself being questioned about my dating life by a guy that was interested in me.  "Tell me about your dating life since your ex husband?" It took less than 20 seconds to state everything he needed to know.  1 8-month relationship.  1 non-relationship "thing."  And a several guys that had showed interest but I wasn't reciprocal.

I didn't think it was that weird.

So I asked about his dating life and he went on to describe the pros and cons of match.com, dating coworkers, eharmony, Christian mingle, dating friends, dating church girls.  Just basically a whole bunch of dating in just a few years.  

Like he couldn't even remember the names of most the women.  

Serial dating. Hooking up.  Dating just to date.  

I began to feel like there was something wrong with me because I haven't gone on a bunch of dates or hooked up with a bunch of guys. I found myself self-conscious about my inexperience.  

Other than the 2 guys I've mentioned, I've turned everything else down pretty fast.  

We changed subjects but then ended up back there again later in the conversation. 

"So Jess....you're a pretty girl, you seem to be handling life pretty well especially considering what you've gone through....why are you single? What's wrong with you?"

I naturally ignored the compliments in the sentence and felt insulted by the question.   I was instantly on the defense. Defending singleness like its some lesser state of being.  Like there must be something wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend.  

And this is something I'm realizing is all too common.

Seriously.  At least once a week I get asked if I've met anyone by some well-intentioned soul.  Like my life can't move forward unless it's with a man.

I'm not saying I don't want a relationship.  I do.  I really do.  God made me to be a wife.  When I was one I enjoyed doing wifely things, cooking, cleaning, caring for my husband and kids, I was imperfect of course, and there are definitely things I'll do different next time, but I know that God created me for relationship.  I crave it. 

That said.  Singleness is a much happier place than a miserable marriage.  Trust me.  I know.  

When it comes down to it, I'd rather be single forever than be in a marriage that is miserable forever.   

So what is so wrong with being single? What is so wrong with not desiring to hook up or date around? What is so wrong with waiting for more healing to come to your soul before diving into something new?  

I have enough of a past with a failed marriage and the few relationships I've been in.  I don't need to develop more war wounds on this singleness journey.  

Someday I trust God that he will come. But I'm pushing pause on the search for a moment so I can regroup.   My soul needs more healing.  My understanding of Gods character needs more depth.  My definition of myself can no longer be based on how the man in my life treats me. I have a lot of deep wounds that need healed up and my last "thing" with a man made that glaringly obvious to me.   

I'm not giving my "pause" a timeline.  It could be a year. 5 years. 2 weeks.  Only God knows how long I need.  If there's anything I know about God it's that His timing and my timing are rarely the same.  

I want to be able to give my future spouse a healed up and whole woman and I'm simply not there yet.  

My Tears Stopped

My two year old has been very 2 lately.  He's challenged me on everything.  Like EVERYTHING.   For example.  While giving him a bath today I moved the shower curtain to partially close it because he was playing and splashing.  And oh my-lanta you would of thought I flushed his favorite toy down the toilet or something.  The fit that commenced was wretched.   Yesterday while laying him down for his nap?  "Mama....I the boss of you."  "No buddy you're not.  I love you, but you're not the boss."  "YES I AM THE BOSS!!! I AM THE BOSS OF YOU!!!!!!!" Sigh.

This is my life.

But I had another moment with him the other day that kinda melted my heart though I have to explain a little bit first.

I've been feeling challenged on my prayer life lately.  You know when you say you'll pray for someone and you say like a 30 second prayer for them and forget about it after that?  Ok, maybe no one else knows the feeling but I do and I've been feeling really convicted about it.  I really want to be a friend that can be counted on to actually pray for people that need prayer. At the beginning of this week when I was feeling most convicted I decided to program reminders into my phone for all of the different things I need to pray for.  The basics like my kids, my family, my ongoing court situation with my ex husband, and then the specific friend situations that I had said I would pray for - marriages, physical healing and so on.

At 9:00 every day a reminder goes off for me to pray for my kids and I've been doing it.

For the last week Tristen has been having a really rough time with daycare.  His regular pre-school teacher is on vacation for two weeks and so he has had subs every day.  Normally he run's into pre-school excited for his day.  When I've dropped him off in the mornings on the way to work this past week he has cried and clung to me because she wasn't there for him.  Totally breaks my heart as I HATE that my kids have to be in daycare anyways (though our daycare is wonderful) and it's just extra hard hearing him cry when I leave him.

The other day I was playing with Tristen in his room.  We were sitting with some trains and talking about them when out of no where he said "Mama, do you pray for me?"
"Well yeah buddy, I pray for you every day.  I prayed for you this morning when I dropped you off too because I knew you were sad."    He sighed a little toddler sigh.  "Mama.  My tears stopped." "What do you mean bud?" I asked.  "I was sad and you prayed then my tears stopped."  We went back to playing trains together and I melted inside a little.   I love his sweet little heart, fits and all, that knows deep inside the power of prayer.  He is such a precious gift.

Blessed Be

Almost 9 years ago when I got married I can remember sitting down to pick out the music for the ceremony.  Oddly enough this was actually more important to me than the kind of flowers I had or my cake or my dress. I wanted it to be meaningful and memorable and I definitely wasn't going to walk down the aisle to something that was the status quo. Music has always been a part of who I am, I'm a musical creature despite my inability to sing anything you'd ever want to hear.  (My kids have all told me to stop singing at one point or another because I am so terrible!!!!)  So I picked a cover of a classic Keith Green song, choreographed my processional (true story) and I walked down the aisle to an electric guitar solo at the end of the song.  Marriage failure or not, it was pretty cool.

But I also picked a song that at the time I thought was good and meaningful and appropriate for both of us.  It's what we ended up walking out to for the recessional.

The chorus was:

"You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your name"

It comes from a scripture in Job, something Job said after losing everything in his life other than his wife and three kinda lame friends.  

Job's heart was something I admired. At the time I wanted to believe that I was going to bless God no matter what happened in my life.  But I have definitely not walked out that song since my marriage ended and my life exploded. I spent a lot of time (am still spending a lot of time) questioning God and his goodness.    

I've found myself easily identifying with Mack in the book The Shack in a scene where he questions God's goodness and Jesus response to him (and I'm sharing the shorter version) "......you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you.  You sing about it.  You talk about it.  But you don't know it"

I was so saddened about myself and my state of mind when I read that because it's true.  I find myself frequently questioning God and His goodness. But I know I'm not alone.  Surely anyone that has gone through some life tragedy knows what it's like to wonder where God was and why he didn't protect His kids. 

But the thing is, I don't want to be in this spot.  I want to know Him and His love for me.  And maybe that is the path that God is trying to take me down - the path of knowing Him and His character in a deeper way.  I'm kinda looking forward to seeing what God shows me.

Don Jon

First I have to admit that I watched this movie, which I'm pretty sure takes the award for "most raunchy movie I've ever laid eyes on."  It made me blush, and I'm an ex-wife with 3 kids - impressive.

That said, when I saw the preview to this movie, I knew I had to see it.  My favorite actor (since Angels in the Outfield) doing a movie about the damages of porn? Sounds refreshing.   And this is mainstream media, not Christian media, so I knew it wasn't going be (please don't hate me for saying this!!!) cheesy. So I sat through the first 20 minutes or so of pure raunchiness knowing and anticipating the message I knew would be coming. 

JGL held nothing back in detailing the realities of the problem.   

 "There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad.  My ride. My family. My church.  My boys. My girls.  My porn."

What I wasn't fully expecting and what I'm glad he also hit on was that girls do the same thing to men by buying into the lies fed to us by rom-coms and the latest Nicholas Sparks movie. 

For as long as I can remember I've felt annoyed by romantic movies.  I've watched them, but if you've ever watched a romantic movie with me you already know I'm not the girl sitting there with tissues.  I'm the one rolling my eyes and giggling at what is supposed to be a touching heartfelt line from boy to girl.  

I've always thought those type of movies were unreal, just like porn.

And I really like real.  

So I was pleasantly surprised and relieved watching Scarlett Johansons portrayal of "Barbara" a princess fed on romantic comedies vs JGL's incredibly man-whorish but lovable character and the havoc they wreaked on each other's lives.  Especially since (spoiler alert) they don't end up together as would be typical in a romantic comedy.  

I also liked that it detailed the dysfunction that was JGL's sex life. He would sleep with a beautiful woman, and then have to watch porn afterwards so that he could "lose himself" for a bit.  Saying that fact? Wow.  Just wow.  I'm so glad that a man finally had the balls to say exactly what it does - A real woman is not enough anymore.

I also loved some of the more subtle details that he included that showed the objectification that happens.  The main character repeatedly refers to Barbara as "the most beautiful thing he has ever seen."  And in a scene where his father is talking about his mother, the father states "that's mine." It was subtle but I caught it. 

I didn't expect the movie to give any eternal value, this isn't Christian media, but I was kinda enjoying the message that was ultimately given at the end of it, at least in how it relates to sexuality. 

"If you want to lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person. It's a two-way thing."

This movie made me stop, think and question things in regards to relationships and sex.  While I don't necessarily agree with the quote above as an end all - losing yourself in a person is not the answer to life's problems - I was glad that this movie did what I hoped it would which was showing the damages that porn does to a person and how it destroys relationships the way that they were intended to be. 

All in all - great movie, don't watch it unless you have a high tolerance for dirty language and sexuality. And thanks JGL for saying it.

Anxiety and all that comes with it.

I've confessed it before but I'm gonna say it again, sometimes anxiety kicks my butt.  Today was an anxious day, and no it had nothing to do with football.

When I sat down in church this morning it hit me in the face.  I wasn't expecting or looking for it, it was just there.  I wanted to run to the bathroom and barf, but I forced myself to stand and worship.  I knew why I was anxious and knew the only way I was going to get through it was to keep looking up.  

But I really just wanted to throw up.

Picking up my keys, I started for the door.  But I stopped, I knew if I didn't push through it now it'd be there again in some way or form.  I had to break through it.  And so I sat back down.

I prayed and I tried to sing the words to the songs.  I kept losing track of the words and my singing would stop as my mind raced through every anxious, angry and upset thought.  Choking back angry sobs that I refused to let out, I breathed deep and tried to feel God's presence in church.  Why here? Why the one place where I've always felt safe?  

Waves of nausea coursed through me and I felt my throat constricting as I tried to breath.  

Then worship stopped and I sat.

I was gritting my teeth and trying to breathe when I looked up at a sweet older lady standing in front of me.  "I've been praying for you, and God gave me this for you." She handed me a note. I didn't really know her, I only knew her first name.  She chatted with me for a minute, and then I sat and read what she had written to me.

"Give me the fear - all of it.  It isn't yours. The enemy has planted it to steal your peace and joy. Fear is nothing more than False Evidence Appearing Real.  Trust me.  I am with you and for you."

Tears finally flowed and my breath came deeper.  My thoughts started to slow from the race they were on, to more of a jog.  

It wasn't instant, but my fears began to melt into truth.  

A smile escaped when the pastor shared Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

It's a scripture I've tried to argue away, saying it was given for a certain time and certain people.  

But I can't argue with the timing that it was delivered this morning to my ears. 

Or that two weeks ago a friend told me she had a dream about me and the message she got from the dream for me was "do not fear."

I have nothing to fear because He is with me. 

It's evening now.  My nausea is almost gone.  My tears have dried.  My heart is beating at a normal pace.  I'm trying once again to let go of the control that I want to have on life and love.  I really don't understand God right now. But my heart knows that that He sees and loves me.  I don't know the "why" around a lot of things.  And there's a lot that aches in my heart.  But I know He's here with me and He can take away my fears if I just let him.