Is The Pursuit of a Woman Dead?

I got in a debate with a male friend of mine regarding men pursuing females when it comes to relationships.

I was raised in a home where I was taught to let the men do the pursuing.  Don't be forward, don't chase, don't call him, don't state that you like him up front.  Let. Him. Pursue. You.  The End.  For all of my younger dating years this is what I did and it worked well.  Keep in mind, this was all pre-facebook, pre-MySpace, and the first few guys that scored my phone number had to call my home phone and go through the gauntlet of my parents and siblings answering the phone first.  Let's not even get started on the call-waiting and siblings listening in on the other line issues.   My point being, I didn't go out there and tell guys that I liked them or ask them out, I let them ask for my phone number, let them pursue the date, let them actually pick me up (and yes, I made them come to the door and meet my family, duh!) and let them buy dinner.   This was just how it was a decade ago, at least in my world.

But feminist minds have spoken, and things have changed.

I can remember my non-homeschooled friends telling me about Tolo and it blew my mind.  "Wait....YOU ask the guy to go to the dance with you?  Huh?  That's normal?"  I couldn't fathom it then and I still have issues wrapping my mind around it now.

Going out of my way to let a guy know I'm into him was just weird to me. It's still weird to me.

I have once, and only once confessed my feelings for a man first.  I thought he liked me and was just bad with words or something.  And man, that did not turn out well for me.  I vowed to never again to tell a guy that I liked him in the beginning.  Rejection is harsh, especially when it comes from a person you've had a crush on for a long time.  And yes, I acknowledge that perhaps it is a bit unfair to expect that only men have to feel disappointed when it turns out that feelings are not mutual.

Which brings me to this debate.

My friend has stated to me on numerous occasions that I expect a man to do 90 percent of the pursuing while I give 10.   And he's right.   That is exactly how I feel about the beginning of a relationship.  I feel very different about marriage of course, this is just meant to be about the beginning of a dating relationship. But his point was that it's simply not that way. Maybe it was 10 years ago, but it's not now.  Men have grown tired of having women lead them on and play games with their heads (thanks girls!)  and now expect that women will match the pursuing 50/50 if they are actually interested.  Men take a lack of female pursuit as a lack of interest.  He stated to me that of all of his friends he only knows one, just one friend, that is into the idea of being the pursuer and turned off by female pursuit.

I am still of the mindset that a man should initially do the majority of the pursuing.  I have to wonder though, how much of that is truth, how much of that is how I was raised and how much of it is due to the mortification I felt after telling a man I liked him and being rejected?  Is it really this way or do I just not want to get hurt again and reverting back to my pre-marriage/divorce routine of letting the male do the pursuing is more comfortable than putting myself out there and risking the heartache?  Do men really want to pursue females?  Do men expect us to meet them half way?  Are men turned off if a female reciprocates pursuit?

I googled all this, and searched through the Bible for answers and still haven't come to a conclusion.

I'd love to hear what people think on this one as I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that has wondered this.

Nightime Routines Have Gotten Longer

I've always been a big fan of sleep-training for kids.  I loved Babywise and my kids have been great sleepers thanks to it.  Being able to keep kids on a routine is pretty helpful no matter what, but especially when you're a single parent.

But I've let routine change and I'm not ashamed of it. 

About two month's ago my baby, who previously had gone to bed with the normal bedtime routine of a few songs, a story, a drink and bed, asked if "Bubba" could snuggle him instead of me.  

 I was a little bummed that it wasn't me he wanted, but let Casey crawl in bed with him thinking he'd snuggle him for a few minutes and get back in bed.

But he didn't and when I went in to check on them before going to bed myself I found the two of them snuggled up together fast asleep.

And so began the sibling co-sleeping party that has been bedtime at my house for the last two months.

At first I would tuck them all in the bed doing the usual prayers and blanket tucking for the older two, and the previously mentioned song and snuggle with the baby and then I would go to the living room and wait.

Soon I would hear a set of feet (Olivia) sneaking out of her room into her brother's room.  Then I would hear the bunk bed ladder creak.  Soon giggles and whispers would follow and yes, all three of my kids would be snuggled in Tristen's bed whispering and playing together.

Now I don't even try to separate them.  I tuck them all into Tristen's bed and that is that.

Eventually they either fall asleep together or the giggling turn's into roaring laughter and I have to separate them all again and lay down the sleep time law's.    But I'm kinda in love with this phase of my kids life.

Watching their relationships and sibling bond makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm not planning on stopping this.  I hope it lasts.  I hope my kids stay friends and keep sneaking into each other's rooms at night (or just laying down together at night) to giggle and talk with each other.  I want them to be best friends, to love each other, and to share secret's with each other, to hug each other and play with each other, even if it's when they really should be sleeping.  And I'm just not going to stop this because........why?

My Game Changer

Months ago I stumbled onto this blog post from Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience."  If you're my facebook friend you already know how much I love this woman's writing.  But this post in particular hit a home run for me. (Seriously....go read it.)  I cried the first time I read it, and the second, and the third.  I was moved by the courage of her husband, her conviction in raising her son, and her ability to say it like it is - "to stay silent is to let perpetrators perpetuate."

I'm not here to talk about perpetrators and rape though, I'm here to talk about the heart of the post - raising a boy to honor women.

The thing I'm struggling with and I'm bringing before my readers (all 2 of them) is this: How do I, as a single mom teach my boys what it is to honor a woman?  What sort of example am I setting before them?

I haven't been a great example in the past. 

 I pray that the memories my oldest boy has of the way I allowed myself to be treated in years past fade and are lost. My heart would shatter if he followed that path.  That said, my kids have a great example in my father, if my boys grow up to treat a woman like he treats my mother we'll be in good shape.  

But what about my part?

I have to say that I've been really convicted on my part.

I spoke with a friend today at church and we both stated in the conversation how we will allow men to treat us poorly, tolerate it, try and change ourselves to be better because we blame ourselves for it, and beat ourselves up for everything that goes wrong, but if our kids are mistreated all hell breaks loose.   I was convicted.  What kind of example do I want to leave for my daughter and my sons?  Why is it okay for someone to treat me poorly but not my kids? The way I allow a man to treat me is the way my daughter will allow men to treat her and the way my boys will treat women.  What am I letting my kids see? This is challenging because I'm not married.  My dating life - though the majority of it will initially be done out of sight of my kids, at some point they will meet whoever I end up with in the future and what kind of guy will that be?  I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I've approached dating in a somewhat selfish way not really looking at the long term, not really thinking "What if my boys turn out like him?" and "Does he treat me how I want my daughter to be treated?"  Those two questions are game-changers for me.   I don't ever want to be accused of being a diva-princess that thinks that no man is good enough for me (and I don't think I am one) but I do want to be more future minded and intentional about the kind of men I allow in.   I have no business dating if I can't approach it from a group mindset - what is best for ALL of us.

Maybe this is just common sense for most women, actually,  I'm sure it is. In fact, I'm guessing most people reading this are thinking "you JUST figured this out?"  Well.....I have heard it before, but it really just "clicked" for me recently. For someone like me, someone who's "picker" is broken, it's a new mindset, a new way of approaching relationships, and I'm hopeful that my remembering what really matters in men will make a difference.   

There are good men out there, I believe it. 

The Man After God's Own Heart

It's Sunday today.  I spent the morning at church and the afternoon at my parents where there is no TV.  They have a flat-screen, but you can only watch DVD's and VHS on it.  There is no satellite.   So I watched the football game via facebook (I obviously cared a TON about it) and jumped on the football bandwagon when the Hawks won.

So really, it was a quiet afternoon.  There were no boys yelling and throwing Skittles around, just my mom, little sister and my kids.  I crocheted myself a pair gloves while sitting and thinking on this morning's sermon.   Pastor Chuck had a great message, but in my mulling it over I got kinda stuck on the opening and found my mind wandering into a few things.

Psalms was mentioned at the beginning of the sermon, along with it's various authors, notably David, and our pastor made the point to mention how "real" Psalms was/is.   Psalms has long been my favorite book of the Bible for that very reason.  David is that character I've always felt like (had it been a different time and perhaps if I were a guy) we would have been best friends.  He has always been the most "real" person in the Bible to me.  So much so that my third child's middle name is "David" for that reason.  

David is that guy that say's it like it is.  I remember thinking one time as I read through Psalms, noting how the chapters went from extreme joy and praise to total lament and anguish, how maybe David was bipolar.  But then I thought through my sometimes extreme feelings and how closely I could identify with David's feelings (and I'm not bipolar) and I realized that no, David is just that guy that say's things how they are.  Things are going good?  He's that guy dancing in the streets and praising God.  Things are going bad?  He is fasting, weeping and lamenting his situation.  He is not afraid of what other's think, he is a real guy with real feelings and he's not afraid to show them.

David is also that guy that made a whole lot of mistakes.  He was a murderer and adulterer. Our pastor cracked a joke today on how David probably wouldn't have been approved for eldership in the church, and it's probably true.  But yet the Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart.

I love that.

I love that even though we know of his many transgressions and faults, David is still known as a man after God's own heart.  He's not known as "David, the adulterer" or "David, the man with a lust problem" or "David, the murderer."  He is "The man after God's own heart."

He is that reminder to me that it is ok to question things, to be angry, to be upset, to cry, to be real when things just flat out suck.  And he's also that reminder to praise God and give thanks for all that is good.  God is the giver of good gifts and expressing our joy and thankfulness is a beautiful thing.

He's also that reminder to keep trying.   I fail SO often at life and it can be discouraging to look at all the mistakes I make.  Yet God is there, waiting for me.

I hope someday that I am not known for my mistakes (though I'm sure they are mostly well-known) but instead am known for my desire to know God intimately like David did.  To truly be a "woman after God's own heart."  How amazing would that be?

That's all I have for today.

GO HAWKS!!!!!!!

Just You and Me Here Now

This post has been mulling through my mind for a few days and I just haven't been able to sit down and put it all into words.  I had to process where God was taking this and what he was trying to say before I typed it all up and made a mess of it.

Maybe you know the scriptures in Proverbs that talk about "the multitude of counselors."  In case you don't: Proverbs 15:22 "Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed."  and Proverbs 11:14 "Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory."

I have been thinking a lot on those scriptures. I'm one that can sometimes (okay, a lot of times) make foolish choices because I didn't seek advice on something.   It's something I've really worked towards changing in me.   Advice is a really good thing, it's actually something God wants us to do - heed the cautions and advice of counselors.

But recently I've found myself in a situation, a situation that I've sought advice on from a few different people, and a situation that I've received conflicting points of advice on.

This has happened to me before.  A little less than 4 years ago I was going through a situation with my ex-husband, we were separated and truthfully, staying with him seemed like the foolish thing to do.  He was dangerous and I had already been physically and emotionally hurt.  The advice I received from others mostly seemed of the "kick him to the curb and run for your life" variety.  With lots of variety being key here, hence the confusion.  Most of it was good advice.  But I can remember someone saying to me something along the lines of "This is all good advice Jess, but what is GOD saying to YOU right now?"  I didn't have an answer.  I had received a bunch of great, and Godly advice, but I hadn't heard God for me.

I remember sitting in my room with my Bible looking up to God and asking him what He wanted.  I had my music on shuffle and as I prayed this song by David Crowder Band came on and I cried as I listened to the words:

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go

I lift it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only you Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

Be all my delights, be my everything

And it's just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

The "It's just you and me here now" hit me right in the heart.  It really was just God and I in that moment and I can remember feeling His presence there with me so strongly.

It was then that I was finally able to pray "God, not my will for my marriage, but Your will, I give it all to You. If being married is what You have then so be it, and if not, I trust You."

The thought went through my head of "I'm probably going to really upset some people if God tells me to take him back. Again."  But I took the leap of faith, pushed aside my fear of man, and surrendered it all to Him, trusting that even if the worst happened He had me in His hand.  

That was the biggest leap of faith I ever took in my life and it was a roller coaster from that point forward. I started to listen to God, on my own, for what seemed like the first time in my life.  

The ride landed me on a red-eye flight to San Francisco, a coked out husband in a seedy hotel, a 3 day motorcycle ride and me learning how to walk out forgiveness when someone really doesn't deserve it.  (But that is another long story).

A lot of people were mad at me for months about my choice.  Especially when it ended up with me pregnant and living in a women's shelter.  It seemed like my "not listening to advice" had landed me in a bad spot.  But then, as all the pieces started to fall into place it became apparent to all involved that God had worked a major miracle in my family.  I still think back to that point in time and feel like it's one of the few moments in my life where I actually did something right.   Most of the times I'm pretty messy and stupid about my choices, but that?  I am SO grateful that I stopped and heard God for me.  When He said "Forgive"  I did.  Because of God's direction, my kids and I are no longer in an abusive home.   (On a side note because I feel I have to say it -  I don't believe that God expects people to stay in abusive marriages. God miraculously protected me in that brief reunification that happened, and it served a purpose.....God had a plan.  I feel like I have to say that though because I would NEVER want someone to go back into something violent and dangerous because of me sharing this.  This was a specific situation and for a specific purpose. Side note over and out.)

That's kind of a long rabbit-trail to get to the point of this post.

I'm at that spot again in my life, not with a relationship, but with life decisions. That point where I've sought advice, listened to advice and just been a little bit confused.   

A friend asked me the other day when I voiced how confused I was about something else I was dealing with "Well...what did GOD say to you about it?"  I had to stop and think about it for a minute but I was able to answer.  

I want to be stopping and thinking about it always.  God does speak through others.  There are scriptures about it.   Advice is a good thing.  But sometimes you get to that point where you have to escape from all the well-intentioned voices, you have to stop the thought process that wonders which person you'll upset the least when you don't listen to their advice.  (Yeah....I've thought it.) You just have to stop and seek God for what HE has for you in that moment.  And fear not, because He is with you.   

That is where I am at right now. I have listened to a lot of great advice and taken it all into consideration, I'm seeking God for what He has by praying, reading, and listening to Him.  I still don't have the answers, but I do know one thing: It's peaceful here. 

A Perfectly Practical Post | Monthly Cooking

I went back to work this week after having two weeks off and my mind has been completely occupied with work stuff.  My thoughts right now are more practical and not so deep, sometimes life is just like that.

The time off was nice and I took advantage of it.  I didn't really rest other than on Christmas and the few days surrounding it. Instead I spent a lot of time deep-cleaning my house and getting rid of unnecessary clutter in order to TRY and make it a little easier for me to keep up on housework.   Try being key.

The other thing I managed to accomplish was to cook another month's worth of meals.  I've talked about this monthly cooking thing before on facebook, but I thought it would be fun to share how it all works as this is truly a lifesaver for me as a single parent.  It's practical and simple and I love it.

A little over a year ago I clicked into a pin on pinterest and ended up at http://onceamonthmeals.com/.  I was looking for meal planning ideas and had stumbled upon the mother lode.  At the time I was overwhelmed with the whole cooking thing.  Seriously.  It's hard enough to get it all done when you don't have a full-time job.   I do have a full time job and three kids and no husband.  When I found this site my freezer was completely full of frozen pizzas, lasagnas, chicken nuggets and taquitos.  It wasn't healthy.

You know there is something wrong when your kids complain about having to eat pizza again.

Anyways....this website is pure genius.  The gal that makes it puts out 6 monthly meal plans - traditional, whole foods, dairy/gluten free, diet, vegetarian, and paleo, plus a baby food menu and a mini menu.  Each of the meal plans come with a shopping list, prep list, recipes, labels, thaw sheet and cooking day instructions.

The real genius of the site is that 1. Those menus are adjustable for your family size.  In other words, the quantities on your shopping list, prep instructions and recipes can all be adjusted by typing in just one number.   2.  Items on the menu are "swappable."  Very cool if you're picky or don't eat certain things.

The meal plans consist of 8 dinner, 4 lunch and 3 breakfast recipes that you end up eating twice in a month.  I know that doesn't add up to a full month of meals (which would be about 90 meals if you're counting breakfast, lunch, and dinner).  But wait for it...
We still eat out sometimes or go to friends homes for dinners.  Most people do.  My kids have school lunches, and sometimes even breakfast if needed, which makes it so less is consumed, and the portions in the recipes are for grown-ups.  In my case, I am the only grown up, but I still make the recipes for 4 people, so the meals multiply for me.  We end up getting about 75 sit-down meals out of each month of meals I cook up and that is completely worth it for me.  "Monthly" meals turn into "Bi-monthly" meals as the meals typically last us 6-8 weeks.

When I first found the site I showed it to my mom and asked her if she would help me do it.  My mom is the cooking master of the world.  She lives in her kitchen I swear.  She agreed, and so I set out to do just that.

I haven't looked back since then, like I said, it's a lifesaver.

Here's how it all goes down:

I pick out a menu.  I try to stick with the one for that month as the recipes for the months are made to be seasonal - usually the produce/products used in the recipes are the ones that will seasonally be the most affordable.  (ie.  you'll find strawberries in June, pumpkin in October, cranberries in November and so on).

I make adjustments to it if needed.  My family generally doesn't eat pork so I will swap out the pork recipes for something with chicken or beef (I was raised on a mostly organic, pork-free, very granola, and never-drink-diet-pop lifestyle).  I still generally eat how my parents raised me to eat.

 Except for bacon.  We love bacon. 

Once I've made my adjustments I print out all of my stuff and then I take the time to read through my recipes and my shopping list.  I've messed up more than one recipe by skipping this step, so I just don't skip it now.  

My mom watches my kids so I can go shopping which is very nice of her.  It's either nice or she secretly knows that I might have a mental breakdown if I tried to attempt a 2 hour shopping expedition in WinCo with 3 kids and a 4 page shopping list and she is trying to save herself from having to raise my three kids while I live out my life in a mental hospital.   

Without using coupons the shopping runs me anywhere from $180-240. (Maybe someday I'll get more coupon-y?)  This number includes the purchase of the containers used for storing the food.  Typically these are the disposable 8x8 foil pans and gallon or quart freezer bags.  Sometimes I also buy things from Fred Meyer's as WinCo's produce and herb offerings aren't always the best. 

The website recommends that you do the prep work before hand.  This is really helpful when you go to do the big day of cooking.   This last time my mom and I didn't have the time to do the prep work and ended up spending a large amount of time washing and re-washing the prep dishes, knives, and choppers. I was really sick of chopping onions by the end of the day. If you do this meal thing don't skip the prep work. (By prep I'm referring to chopping up your veggies, mincing the garlic, cooking up the meat that needs pre-cooked and so on.)

On the big cooking day my mom and I attack the recipes.  The meal plan includes cooking day instructions that make the day very manageable.  It works out so that you can be working on one recipe while another recipe is baking and so on.  With two people it goes pretty fast.  

We do thrash the kitchen though.

(bad phone photo)

It ends up being a good time for my mom and I to visit.  I enjoy cooking, but it's not my passion, so it helps me to have someone that loves to cook (like my mom) which makes the whole thing a lot more enjoyable (and easier) for me.  

When it's all said and done I end up with a freezer full of food.  Well actually, my mom does, as I don't have a chest freezer and my mom has a small arsenal of freezers in various sizes, so I store most the food at her house and just fill up my tiny freezer as needed.  

Here's a photo of this last set of food:

All the dinners are stacked at least two high. What you're seeing here is 15 different meals at least twice.  A few of the recipes made 3 or 4 meals.  I recommend buying a few extra containers as we almost always end up with a little extra of something.

We made:

Cranberry Orange Pancakes

Homemade Poptarts

Jam Filled Biscuits

BBQ Chicken and Pineapple Quesadillas 

Cheeseburger Tarts

Chicken Pot Pie Soup

Spicy Peach Chicken Sliders

Tomato Basil Paninis

Basil Chicken with White Cannellini Beans

Burito Caserole

Carolyn's Chili

Cheesy Chicken Bacon Broccoli and Rice

Chicken Alfredo Casserole with Buttermilk Biscuits

Chicken and Broccoli Bake

Slow-Cooker Sesame Chicken

As you can see....lots of chicken and broccoli.  The meal plans all have more variety, I just changed mine to eliminate pork (except for the lonely bacon exception) and include healthy things I knew my kids wouldn't turn up their noses at.  Chicken and broccoli happen to be two things my kids all like. 

In regards to picky eaters and such, I'm lucky in that my kids aren't that picky.  They are the type of kids I can take out for Thai food or Indian food and they think it's an adventure, so this works out well for them.   Casey accidentally ordered a salmon sushi wrap the other day and loved it until I told him what it was.  It made me laugh.  

The recipes have generally been approved by my kids.  There are of course big hits and some duds, but not everyone's taste preferences are the same.  My sisters have loved a few of the recipes that my kids weren't crazy about, and not loved some of our favorites.  So again, it's all personal preference.  

The recipes are made to be warmed up easily.  Most go in the oven for 15-30 minutes depending on the recipe.  Some are simply microwaved for a few minutes.  A few are slow-cooker meals and need an afternoon in a crock pot.  I save those meals for the days that I'm working a split shift and know that I'll have a few hours to run home in the afternoon and throw something in the pot.   I usually add an appropriate side or two.  I buy frozen and canned veggies and fruit when I catch them on sale, and we also like to hit up the bread store and keep breads in the freezer.  We're definitely not a 1-course meal sort of family.  

I know this is a crazy long and practical thing to share.  But things like this are the things that make it so that I can maximize all the time I have with my kids in the evenings and not have to worry about prepping and cleaning up meals.  It's practical, yes, but its long term real-life value is there in the form of giving me more time to give to my kids.   Feel free to message me or comment with questions.  

Oh....and yes, I do pay for the membership.  It's money well spent. 

You're enough Momma.

Today I was feeling completely inadequate.  It was a rough day for me.  I dropped my kids off at church with my mom and didn't go. Instead I went to WinCo and stomped around with the Beastie Boys blaring in my headphones and a glare on my face.  My attitude was stupid.  I carried it around with me for most of the day. Then tonight God decided to get a hold of me through my two year old.

I was trying to get him to put his pajamas on and he didn't want them on.  A battle of wills commenced and he proceeded to show me with all his two year old maturity how much he didn't want his pajamas on.  I was getting frustrated and impatient as I tried to wiggle his squirming little body into the clothes.  That's when I stopped and said a quick prayer "God, please give Tristen and I both peace right now."  Within seconds he stopped squirming and fighting me and rested his head on my shoulder with his arms wrapped around my neck. I held him like that for awhile... it was perfect and peaceful, just like we needed in that moment.

When I went to set him down a few minutes later he stopped me "Mom.....I just want to be with you."  I carried him on my hip around the house for a few minutes and we talked about things that moms and toddlers talk about, then he stopped. The words that came out of his mouth next surprised me and came out of nowhere "Momma.....dose other guys....dey have daddies."  I paused.  Not sure what to say. The nagging fear I'd had of my baby realizing our family is different from his friends' families hit me in the face. My ex-husband has been out of my life since I was 6 weeks pregnant with my baby.  My baby has never met his dad, and truthfully, his dad never really comes up as his parental rights are non-existent right now.  I struggled for the right words and just lamely said "Those guys? What guys?"  "My friends....they all have daddies and mommies, but I just have a mommy."  My heart stopped for a moment.  My baby has recognized the difference and tears welled up in my eyes as my inadequacy as a parent mocked me in my face.  I didn't know what to say. I just stood and held my little boy and tried to think of how to make this okay....was it time for me to explain that he does have a dad?  How do you explain that to a two-year old?  Instead I just said "Are you okay with that?"  I regretted it as soon as I said it.  What if he's not okay with it? What do I say then?   And then my baby looked at me with both his arms around my neck and spoke words I couldn't have imagined possibly coming out of my two year old's mouth - "Yeah. You're enough Momma."

How did he know that that was exactly what I needed to hear?  I almost never feel like I am "enough" for my kids. Sometimes, even though I know the failure of my marriage wasn't something I could have stopped, I still feel like I failed by not giving my kids someone worthy of being their father.  Truthfully....my baby is two and as intelligent as he is I don't think he could possibly know what "enough" meant to me.  My mind is still blown.  That God knew what I needed to hear and somehow used my little 2 year old precious wild-child of a baby to speak that love into my heart?  How can I put into words the love I feel right now for Him, and for him...that little round eyed boy full of love?  I am undeserving of such things.  Yet somehow God picked me.

Dead batteries and the Max

Today my kids and I went to Ikea because I "needed" some things.  (As much as one can ever need curtains and picture frames I suppose).  My Jeep has been dying a lot lately - sometimes I leave the lights on and it kills the battery and sometimes one of my interior lights flickers on (it has a short in it or something) and it kills the battery.  There was a time in my life where I probably could have fixed it.....I once changed a CV shaft in a car.  Alone. By myself.  When I was just 17.  AND IT WORKED.   But that was over a decade ago and these days I'm really proud of myself when I remember to take the Jeep to Jiffy Lube.   Anyways.....today an interior light flickered on while I was shopping in Ikea and wouldn't you know I came out to a very dead battery.   Being that this happens quite frequently to me (I was just seen bumming a jump off a lady in the WinCo parking lot on Monday.  True story.)  I now carry jumper cables with me.  Always. But today I realized I was parked in an impossible place to bum a jump off anyone.  Ikea has these big medians between some of their parking spaces, so no one in front of me could reach my battery, and I was left with just the two cars next to me to hopefully bum from.  But people at Ikea sometimes take hours.  And as I sat there with three kids including my nap-less two year old, I realized I did not want to wait.

I figured it was time to get one of those jumper box things for my car.

So I googled auto parts stores and realized the nearest one was just under 4 miles away.

There was NO way I could walk that with a 3 kids and no stroller.

Then I looked to my left and saw the Max station, sighed, knew what I had to do, and did it.

I confess that I have never taken first-world public transport as an adult.  (Third world public transport, yes, but that's another story that involves motorcycles and vans with far to many passengers).

I was a little scared.  My phone was down to 25% battery and that was what I was using to figure out the max schedule.  Once it died I knew I would be toast.

We hopped on the first train and rode up two stops.  My kids made friends with a sweet lady that sat across from us.  We stopped at the next station and waited for our next train.  My toddler tried to run in the path of the oncoming trains only twice.  I had a mild panic moment and then held on to his wriggling little fat fingers with a death grip and ignored his complaints until we could get on to our second train.  The second train was crowded.  No seats at all, so we had to stand.  Naturally the leather loops that were made for adults to hold onto turned into monkey bars for my two year old that insisted he needed to swing like George of the Jungle from loop to loop while he explained to me how silly monkeys were and how much he loved them.  Meanwhile a British lady told me I should get him a leash and then proceeded to tell me how "all the European women use leashes on their kids and think nothing of it."   I agreed with her.  My kid needs a leash.

We get out at our last stop (Burnside and 122nd) and start to walk towards the auto parts store which is almost a half mile from the max station.  I had nearly 5 mild panic attacks during the course of our walk there and back being that we were by two incredibly busy and fast moving roads.  My baby REALLY didn't want to hold my hand, though I made him anyways.   I purchased the very heavy jumper box and we start our journey back.  (Thank you Oregon, by the way, for no longer allowing stores to use plastic bags.   That was really fun carrying a giant battery on one hip and a toddler and purse on the other.  A bag with handles would have been real nice!) Somehow we get stuck at not one, but two intersections with a very large man on his cell phone who dropped lots of bad words and kept complaining about not having his diabetes medications.  I wish my kids hadn't heard the f word so much today.  Sigh.

We make it back to the max and I hop on a train.....only it's the wrong train and I realize we're heading towards Southeast and that is not where I want to go.  So we jump off.  Wait for the next train.  Hope that it's the right one because I can't figure it out on my phone which is now down to 10% and we head towards (what I hope) is the right area.

Turns out it was and we only have to make one more transfer before we head back to Cascade Station.
I buy each of the kids a pop because "I'm dying of thirst mom....dying!" and then I took this:

So we board our last train and my baby has had it.  He flops and screams and cries for the entire ride.   A two year old without a nap is not a pretty thing to see.   We get out at the station and once we stopped he was all good,  so we start to head back to the car.   I looked over and saw this to my right so I snapped a pic with my phone as my son tells me that it looks like heaven is shining through the clouds......

(yes its a iphone sunset pic....like I'm really gonna carry my slr on the max?!?)

As I'm putting my phone away the baby melts on to the sidewalk....done.with.life.  He flops and screams and cries because some of his pop spilled and his pop won't fit in his sweatshirt pocket like Bubba's and he doesn't want to hold my hand and he doesn't want to walk.   I pick up his little screaming, kicking, hitting, sobbing body and carry him the rest of the way to the jeep, load up the kids, strap him in his car seat and shut the door on the fits.  I stood in front of my popped jeep hood for a few minutes and breathed deeply.   Sigh.  The jeep started right up for us and we were on our way home. 

To be truthful.  If I had found myself in this situation 4 years ago.....I don't even know.  It would have been a lot more pathetic than it was today.   Somehow, someway, with God's strength, I'm figuring out how to survive this big world without anyone but God and my 3 babies walking with me.   No, I didn't pick this, but I'm grateful for whatever God is trying to teach me here, even if it sucks, and even if it means I have to take the Max.  

Direction.

So I made a resolution this year to start blogging again.  

In 2007 I started a photography blog that kinda took off - at it's peak it was getting over a 1000 hits a day but then I abandoned it. Sometime last year I got burnt out and stopped blogging on my business blog.  I realized that 1. I wasn't enjoying it anymore.  2.  It was difficult to be "real" on a business blog. 3.  I was scared to give the Safeway checker my debit card with my name on it for fear she would recognize my name and then notice my screaming kid and think "gee.....some photographer lady she is...what a fake." (strangely this situation has happened, minus my projected thoughts). 4. I wanted to blog about other things besides photography but knew that my business blog and my public persona was not the platform to be doing so. 5.  I got cyber-stalked one to many times. Truly creepy things happened to me. 

So I stopped putting blogs out there.  

Since then I've kept a private blog and I've kept it that way because every time I come up with a direction for it I change my mind.  I know that I'm not here to be a spiritual teacher.  If anything I'd be sharing more of my epic mind-numbing mistakes.  I don't want to really talk much about photography, I'll keep that for the business blog if I ever pick it back up.   I don't want to just post a bunch of things about recipes or fitness or philosophies on motherhood (though that may come up).   So much of my blogging and deeper thoughts come out of deep emotions or painful experiences and I've been scared of putting too much of myself out there for fear of what people might think.  Or even worse, that one of the thoughts or beliefs I have might be wrong.  Obviously I need to get over it.  

Truthfully the only thing I know much about, other than photography, is being a single parent.  Life as a single parent....I can blog about that and blog about it good. (well....probably not good, but you never know!)  

So I finally have a direction now and hope to post more on it in this coming year.  I'm going to import some of my past posts from my private blog that have to do with single parenting so I can actually start out with content on my blog (in other words, I may not post again soon, and I want my 1 or 2 readers to actually have something to look at).

Here goes......

(an overly flattering selfie I took.....all this means is that I have no good photos for this post)