29 on the 29th.

Since I'm 29 this year and it's the 29th of December I thought it would be fitting to list out 29 things that this year has gifted me with.  Some beautiful and sentimental.  Some just silly and fun.
I'm grateful for this year and all that it's brought me.  The lessons, the heartache, the joy, and the growth.  Some moments ripped my heart out and some were so beautiful that I just cried from the prefect lovely joy of that moment.

All of the photos except for this first one are compliments of my iphone5.  Don't judge.  Also, it's not my birthday.  I'm 29 and a half in case you are wondering.

1. Not sure how to emphasize this one enough.  And really, all of the other's are going to be silly and frivolous after this one,  The best and number 1 thing of 2014 for me is that my kids were protected and safe for this whole year.  No contact with their father, no regression into the places they used to be.  This is beautiful and amazing for so many reasons.   This first point could easily turn into a novel if I chose so I'm going to stop and go on to number 2.

2. My divorce was finalized.  9 years is WAY to long to be married to someone who has done everything possible to make you and your kids lives hell.  Having this closure is beautiful to the point that I cried tears of joy on more then one occasion.

3. We were able to take a trip to Great Wolf Lodge and loved every second of it.

4.  We went camping a few times and it was awesome!  I will probably spend most of summer 2015 in a tent.  You've been warned. 

(Our outdoor movie theater made from a soccer goal, a quilt and a projector)

Kids all crammed into my tiny car. 

 The Walking Tacos. 

5. I bought a new (to me) car.  I was long overdue for something reliable.  This is it.  It also has leather seats which make me happy.  

6.  I took my older two to their first ever real concert: Cage the Elephant.  Olivia proved to be my child when she crawled through the last few people blocking her view and made it all the way to the front. Proud mom moment.  Casey made it eventually but was much more polite about it.

7.  And since I'm talking about concerts and those were highlights for me this year I have to mention Portugal the Man and Grouplove.  It was hard for me to pick a favorite show from this year, but I think this just might have to be it.   PTM blew me away.

 This was also the concert where I had a moment of insanity and decided to crowd surf.  I lost my car key in the process, spent a lot of time digging through trash with no luck, and had to call a locksmith for my car.  Expensive mistake. It was a fun moment but not worth it.

Since I'm still on concerts though I'm going to give The Airborne Toxic Event Number 8.
Meeting Mikel Jollet was bomb.  I still get a little giddy thinking about it.   Their music is touching and beautiful in all the right ways.  I love them.


9.  Kicking butt at the ash kicker.   Even though I drank to much post race and made an idiot of myself, (LIGHTWEIGHT!) the race itself and the wonderful time with my girls was amazing.

10.  I got in great shape this year. I worked hard for the ash kicker and surprised myself with how well I did at it.  Getting in shape is tough.

11.  I also ate my way out of great shape this fall.  Why am I putting this on my list?  I enjoyed every last Olive Garden breadstick, Red Robin Cheeseburger and Chipotle burrito. Good food must be celebrated.

(This is from the Olympic Club.  My mouth is watering).

12. Speaking of fall.  My work crew this year was awesome.  We spend a lot of time on the road together and having people that you actually enjoy being with is pretty rad.

13.  My traditional girls weekend away.  A weekend of just girls, in a lodge in the woods with lots of food is awesome and it was exactly what I needed after several months of 60 hour work weeks.

14. Swimming, floating and being outside a lot this summer.

15. On a more serious note.  I've spent a lot of time learning to forgive myself.  Forgiving others is hard enough.  Forgiving myself for my mistakes?  SO hard.  My view of God as a child and teenager was very performance based and not grace based.    I could write a whole post on this subject, but I won't, or at least I'll save it for later.  I'll just summarize by saying that this was the year that I truly came to know God's grace in the richest and fullest sense, and it's good because I desperately needed it.

16. I also spent a lot more time actually listening to God.  I failed at it a lot, but the effort and my heart have been there.  I've learned a lot.

17. Good books.  I've tried to shut off the tv more and feed my brain.  I love reading, but I'm infamous for never finishing books.  This year I finished a lot more than last year, no idea what the number is, I just know that it's been a good year for reading.

18. I learned how to walk away from the boys that hurt me.  Not gracefully, or beautifully, but I did it.  I ended up having to do it a few more times with a few different boys by the end of the year.  But it's gotten easier and I've gotten stronger.  Being nice doesn't mean being a doormat.

19. We took a lot of day trips this year.  I'm so happy we did.  The kids and I have some beautiful memories from what we did and I can't wait to make more of them.

We totally passed a cop while we were doing this and he just smiled and waved.   

20.  Started and completed advent with my kids.  We went through"Unwrapping The Greatest Gift" and it was a hit.  We had some great talks about some really good stuff and there were a few moments in it that hit my heart in all the right places.  I definitely recommend it.

21. I wrote more this year and healed more.  This blog and my journals have been so therapeutic for me.

22. I spent more time with friends this year.  2013 was rough, 2014 was a definite improvement for me.  I have some great memories full of laughter that I'm so glad to have experienced.

23. I quit caffeine this year.  It was a horrible experience let me tell you. But I'm so glad not to have that addiction in my life anymore.

24. I worked on dinner time traditions with my kids.   We sit down for dinner now at least 3-4 times a week.  At the table.  Considering how busy our lives are, that's a huge success.  We also have a routine of discussing our best moments of the day and what we are most thankful for.

25. I grew a backbone.   I've never had a problem with standing up for other people, but I really struggle with standing up for myself.  Well I did it this year and it didn't go good. But I grew and I'm really happy and relieved that I did it.   It's an ongoing thing, I'm still growing in this area, but I know I made some huge steps and I'm glad.

26. I didn't give up on the budget thing.  I've kept at it.  I'm still not where I want to be, but I definitely have a system and it's working for me.

27.  My kid's cuddles. They sneak out of their beds every night to give me "snuggles" and while I get to be all firm and parental with them and send them back to bed eventually, it is definitely one of my favorite things.

28. Bonfires.  We went to a lot of them this summer.  My kids have the s'mores thing down.

29. And last but not least.  I know in my heart that I've given 2014 my best and my all.  I chose right when it came to my kids, and I've continued to fight with everything in me for them.   I'm looking forward to 2015 and the new joys it will bring.  

The Struggle is Real.

"The Struggle is Real."  I hear that statement frequently these days.  Usually in sarcasm.  Usually over something silly like having to put on pants, or wear a bra, or my favorite.....

I get the humor.  I get the sarcasm.  And I probably use that statement far to often, right up there with #firstworldproblems.  It makes me grin every time I hear it.  I figured a little smile would be a great way to start out sharing this actual real struggle I'm going through, and since this struggle isn't life or death, it's mostly just mental, I'm going to be lighthearted about it. 

I've worked really hard to keep my heart soft lately, but there have been many months of my life where I've failed at this and found myself locking my bitter angry heart up and refusing to feel anything.  2013 was the year of bitter angry Jessica.  One friend referred to me as a zombie and a shell of a person when we talked about it the other day.  It was true.  I was dead inside.  Hurt and wounded to the point that I merely walked through the day-to-day motions of my life.  I let people say and do things to me that were awful.  I almost couldn't feel it.  What little part I could feel was denied.  I didn't want the floodgates to open and I was scared that once I grieved the cruelties that were done to me and worse yet, my own sin, it would never stop.

Then things changed.  Light broke through.  God softened my heart and I began to feel EVERYTHING.  Grief happened.  Wretched, awful, sobbing until my face was swollen grief, and then came the healing and the restoration, and finally joy.  Sweet joy.

It was nearly a year ago when God broke through my hard shell. To say it's been all joy and rainbows since then is just silly.  I've wrote frequently about the struggles and emotions I've gone through just in life.  Fear overwhelms me still.  Sometimes I don't feel God's presence. I still find myself stuffing things out of reflex and then having to un-stuff and let it hurt.  Sometimes the feelings, the real deep feelings that I feel of love and sadness and pain and joy are so real that I am overwhelmed.  But I feel again, and it's beautiful even when it sucks.

This is where my struggle lies.

The realness of who I am is that I wear my heart on my sleeve now.  I love people. I feel for people. And when those people hurt me they get to see the unfortunate result of their actions.  The shaking with sobs while tears stream down my face because my heart has been wounded again ugly messy me and I want it to stop, because when someone sits there and says they are sorry over and over and over and you know they feel like a worm and you just can't stop crying?  It is the worst feeling in the world.   I want to lie and say it's okay.  But I can't, because it's not.

I feel bad for feeling hurt.  And this is my struggle.

I feel bad that I am naive to the point that it's almost stupid.

I feel bad for only seeing good in people.

I feel bad for trusting.

I feel bad for wanting more than just being told that I'm pretty.



I struggle because right now?  I hurt.  And it would be so easy to just stuff it and move on.

The struggle is to let myself cry and feel the pain and embrace it until God heals it.

The struggle is to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

The struggle is to open my eyes to peoples faults while still loving them

The struggle is to know that I don't have to trust everyone.  I only have to trust God.

The struggle is knowing and believing that I'm created for more than flattery.  I have depth and beauty inside me, and cheap compliments should never be the way to my heart.

That's my struggle today.  The struggle is real.

My unbelief.

I'm going to write a vulnerable post.

Well truly, eveything I write has a hint  vulnerability in it.  But this one is going to be especially raw and open.  

Going through what I've been going through spiritually, emotionally and with the court system has been hard, that is no secret.  But this last few weeks have been a struggle that I haven't experienced since I was in the initial stages of separation with my ex.

My last post talked about my faith in God, how I trusted Him to protect us, and even if the worst happened, I knew it was all going to be okay because He was in control.  At the time I wrote that (and other posts like it) that was how I truly felt. But going on through my week, dealing with attorneys and court stuff and therapist's and this whole giant nightmare? It shook me. 

I had a conversation with a friend this week and I was really honest with him.  (Tyler is probably going to hate that I talked about him on my blog again).

My confessions to him looked like this:

I'm going to feel really let down by God if He allows my ex back into my kids life.  I know I say I won't, but deep down inside me? I think I will. God has done so much to protect us for the past 4 years, and I am afraid that my faith is going to be shaken if "the worst" happens.  I'm afraid that I'm going to feel like God is punishing me for my mistakes.  

Ugh.  I hate that that was even in me.

"God is not a vending machine Jess."

Ouch.  He had a lot of truth to say, but that sentence is what stuck.

I know this to be true.  Sometimes God says yes, sometimes it's no, sometimes we wait, and sometimes he has another plan.   I speak my faith out, I believe He will continue to protect us, and try my hardest to stand strong in that. But what if His plans are incredibly different then mine? Will I still trust Him?

Sometimes my doubt overwhelms me and I find myself pleading for God to help me with my unbelief.  

Tonight, in compliance to a court order, I had to write down things about my kids - what they enjoy, what their personalities are like, their favorite things etc. 

I read what I had written down to my kids to make sure they were okay with everything.  

My daughter almost started crying.  

"Is dad going to read this?"

"Yes"

"Can you please take out this and this?"

She pointed to parts that described her friendships and extracurricular activities.  "I don't want him knowing any of those things about me."

She was shaking.  

I was shaking by the time I finished erasing what I had wrote. 

The fear is still there and I can do nothing to fix this for her.  I beg and plead God to move and end this for us, to not allow my children to be forced into something they are terrified of.  But I'm truly in a place where I have done everything I can and the rest is fully in God's hands.  It's both freeing and terrifying at the same time.  

I trust Him, and then I don't, and then I do.   

Please help my unbelief God. Please help me trust. 

Not by my own strength....

This week we had court again and things didn't exactly go like I had hoped. They didn't go terrible, but they didn't go great.

Essentially I get to continue on in this state of limbo.  I get to keep fighting, keep hoping, and keep advocating for my kids with everything in me.

I was hoping for closure.  I'd love to close this door to my past and my ex.  But God must have more to teach me in the current and exhausting state that I am.

I don't know what the future holds.  Then again, no one does.

I do know this:  I will do EVERYTHING I legally can to protect my kids.

I've spent more time on the phone with therapists and attorneys this week then anything else.  I haven't received my legal statement yet for the month, but I know it's coming and it's not going to be pretty.

And at this point, despite the chaos and the money troubles, all I can do is stop and thank God.

Whatever happens, good or bad, God has given me over 4 years to recover and help my children recover.  We are different people, stronger people then we were in 2010.    My older two both have thriving relationships with God.  I find my oldest boy frequently on his knees in his room with his little devotional bible and Olivia?  She is hungry and poetic and her soul is just beautiful.

I have to trust that even if my worst nightmare comes true that their faith is going to stand.  Because in the grand scheme of things, that is what matters.  I've surrendered my kids to God.  I know how desperately and madly I want to protect them, and I know that God wants that even more so then I do.

Even though I have no idea what the next few months look like, I trust God.  He has complete control and even in the worst of situations he can still make beautiful things happen.

Hitting a wall

Do you ever feel like you just hit a wall spiritually?

I do and it's where I'm at at this moment.

Most of this spring I felt like my walk with God was reviving and growing by leaps and bounds.  Granted, I had some steps backwards and made mistakes. And some pretty big ones at that.   But I kept pushing forward and trying and I could see the progress.  My attitude was better, my emotions were together, I was staying away from guys altogether and I just felt spiritually healthy.

But somewhere this summer I hit a wall. At first I thought that maybe it was because I tried to date again and that distracted me from God.  But that's not it.   Because I'm back to not dating and I'm still feeling like I hit a wall.

I'm really busy right now, the kinda busy that I think other single moms would get. Busy days, lonely evenings. 

Quiet time, focusing on on God? It's hard to find that place. I keep trying and I fall asleep when I try. That's embarrassing to admit.  But that is what has happened the last few times. Granted, it has a lot more to do with having to be up between 3:30 and 5 am most days than my attention span.

It's frustrating when you know Gods voice and no matter what you do you can't seem to hear Him in your life.  I'm at that spot again where I'm asking Him where He is and why I can't feel Him and I'm greeted with silence.  

I know this isn't forever.  I've been in this spot before. But I'd like it to be over.

I'd like that joy and excitement to be back.  

I know that sometimes continuing to go through the motions and just asking God to reveal Himself to you in new ways will do it. 

And maybe it would. 

But I'm writing it out and posting it this time. I know a lot of people pray for me and my little family.  We're really blessed in that area.  So if you think of us, and me, right now, I'd love to break through this spot I've been in and be able to feel again.  

I'm numb at the moment.  And maybe that IS God's grace for me because of what is going on. Maybe He knows that if I felt everything in life that I should be feeling or normally would be feeling that I would collapse.  I don't know the answer, but I'm going to keep trying to figure it out.  

The Edge of Hope

I've been incredibly indecisive the last little bit in a lot of aspects of my life.

I thought and prayed about it for awhile and realized it's simple - I'm afraid.  

Last year my inability to stand up for myself and make a choice I knew was right got me hurt horribly.  I didn't stand up because I was afraid.  

And I'm still that same girl.  

I can make excuses.  Truly I can.  Someone that has loved as deeply and wholely I have knows what I stand to lose by jumping in.  

Into what? 

Into any life altering choice.

Dating. Singleness.  Moving.  Not moving.  Change.  Of any kind.  It all terrifies me.

Where I'm at, my little home, my three kids, and a job I love? I don't want to mess it up.  And so jumping into anything at all, knowing whatever jump I make could affect in a good or bad way every other aspect of my life? I'm terrified. 

So I stand at the edge of the cliff, watching.  Watching others take leaps of faith on my right and left. Some fall, some fly.  I sit and just watch.  I wait, hoping that somehow someway I'll just "know" when I can leap.  And I wait, and wait, and wait.  

Someday I hope I can push the memories of my last fall out of my mind.  Someday the excitement and hope of flying will outweigh the fear of falling.   

But someday is not today.

Today I'm sitting at the edge.  Just waiting.  Just hoping my heart can heal a little more.  Just trying to stay soft, and kind, and gentle.  Trying to not let the past heartbreaks harden my heart.  

I know God is sitting with me. Ever so patient.  Ever so loving.  And He gives me hope. Hope that flying isn't as far off in my future as I might think.  

I only cried a lot today.

Today I took my oldest to summer camp.   I only cried a lot.   He didn't at all.

I stuck around for awhile after most the other mom's left, not because I'm that mom....oh wait, yeah, I am that mom.    And yeah, I may have totally helped him carry stuff to his cabin, and I may have hung out and taken a bunch of photos, and yeah I may have totally asked one of his counselors to switch beds so that Casey and his friend Chase could be on the same bunk.  Yeah. I'm THAT mom.

I'm really glad he gets to have this experience with his friends.  

I'm really glad he has such good friends. 

Then I came home and had to find photos from when we stayed at this same campground 7 years ago as a family.  

I was helping out with a youth camp.  Chases parents were the youth pastors at our church at the time. 

Casey was 3, Chase was 2.  

(All the other photos I have of the two of them, either one of them is crying or one is running away from the camera....toddlers, what can you do!?)

I started crying looking through the photos. (It's been an emotional day, for real!) My kids were so little and so innocent. I was so naive and innocent. And for a moment I found myself feeling kinda sad at all that my kids and I had stolen from us in the ways of innocence.  

But then I thought about this amazing thing that happened at camp 7 years ago. 

My little family was prophesied over.  I don't remember much of it, but I do remember the one thing that stuck out in my mind. 

The prophecy at one point was specifically over my ex and it was about how the generational curses in his family ended at him and wouldn't be passed on to our kids.  

I didn't know what that meant at the time.  I can't blog about what all that means to me now.  I'd probably get sued over it or something really. 

I think about that prophecy now and I am in awe at who God is and what He does.  He knew even than that my world would be ripped apart but that it would be unto something better.  And not just that, He was going to rescue us from something even more horrible.  There would be pain in the process, but that in that process and in that loss and in that pain? He would be there.  

And today? Seeing my boy, in that same campground, with that light in his eyes, his hunger for Jesus and so much joy on his face?  I know that every bit of that word given over my little family 7 years ago was true and I am so grateful, so humbled, and so very loved by my Savior.  

Feeling Full

This week has been so full and in a good way.  We went to several BBQs over the holiday weekend and I haven't enjoyed myself that much in awhile.  Getting to spend 3 full days with my kids was awesome, plus I got to connect with a lot of my friends (we enjoyed the Shelton/Sanden/Pickett clan at my parents house all day on Sunday).  I loved that I got to reconnect to my heart-sisters. Having not been at the same church for the last few months, I have to say, it felt wonderful.

I haven't posted much over the last two months, I've written a lot, but published very little. 

So much of what I write comes from feelings and emotions and it is such a vulnerable feeling to put all that out there, especially since it's not always pretty and happy.  

The last couple months have been about finding consistency, developing better habits, and focusing more on God and less on myself.   It's been good.  I've been finding Him in the quiet places, in the rest time, and in those "alone" moments.  It's really been beautiful, but not every moment has been full of joy.

I'm excited for the summer and whatever it may hold.  It's already been a lot better than last summer in so many ways and it's only July.  :-)

Free

How do I even put into words the beautiful range of emotions that went through me?

I worked 12 hours today.  I was going into a football league shoot when I spoke with my attorney on the phone.  We were discussing a few issues with my divorce case (namely back support and my ex joining my gym....what the heck?!?) when she slipped in "oh, by the way, I checked and your divorce was entered yesterday. Congratulations, you're not married to that creep anymore."  

I didn't even really know what to say other than "thank you....THANK YOU!!!!!!!"  

I was kinda useless the whole evening.  I couldn't process the joy, relief and wide range of happy, hopeful and just plain crazy ecstasy that I was feeling.  

I'm still trying to process through this.

Years of knowing that the person who harmed my children in the worst possible way was my husband? Those years are over.  

I'm free!

Yes, there are still problems.  There's back support, there's him attempting to get supervised visitation, there's the fact that my kids and I still have nightmares, I still hate certain types of physical affection, and I still have occasional panic attacks when something triggers traumatic memories.... And yes, we will probably always have scars from the damage done to us.  But they are scars now, not raw wounds that ache and hurt every day. 

I was given full custody with my ex having no visitation almost 4 years ago.

2 years ago family court made the recommendation that I permanently have full custody with his rights being indefinitely terminated.

Since then there have been legal fights with his family trying to get some sort of supervised (by a psychologist) visitation, but at this time, there is still no contact.  I believe that the God that has protected us for the last 4 years will continue to do so.  

My kids and I are free to move forward, not that we hadn't, but now I truly have nothing legally holding me back.

My future is looking bright and beautiful, and I can't wait to see what God does.

What a roller coaster this has been and I'm so glad this chapter is finally closed.

A Decade.

A decade of motherhood.   It's hard to believe that my baby is that old.  It's harder to believe that I'm old enough to have a kid that old.

My son has been through a lot with me.  When I try and list it all out it doesn't sound that crazy. But trust me when I say it; it's been crazy. A marriage.  2 more additions to the family.  A divorce.  6 moves. 2 schools.

Sounds like your average American kids life right there.

But this life for him was never my hope.  

My plan was to give stability.  To give him a family that had roots and loved God.  I wanted to be that mom that had dinner on the table every night (cooked from scratch of course!), never missed a little league game, and spent her days playing at the park with him and evenings reading books to him.  

Life didn't work out that way for us though.

My dreams for him have a new look these days. And I'm totally okay with that.

When I look at him now?  I know I've done something right.  Or maybe I just did a lot of something's wrong and somehow ended up with an amazing kid.  I'm not sure.  But somehow I have this kid that is wise beyond his years, ridiculously kind-hearted, loves his siblings to pieces, and can cook up some amazing French toast.    

This boy saved my life.  And that is no exaggeration.

Becoming a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm grateful for every day of it.

(Standard hospital issued newborn photo. So much sweetness in such an awkward little baby photo booth.)

His first birthday.  (Yes....photo of a photo...I know.)

Age 5

Age 7

From his last birthday. 

And this week I solemnly swear - I will go take his 10-year old portraits.

I could spend hours just posting photos of this kid.  But I promised myself I would only do a few and focus on the writing.  Photos are always easier than words for me.

Casey: This day 10 years ago? Life-changing, beautiful, amazing, incredibly-ridiculously-horribly painful, and absolutely perfect in every way.  I'm so glad God picked me to be your mom.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for making me proud. Thank you for being so selfless, so kind, and for cuddling with your little brother every night without fail.  You bless me daily.  I love you buddy. -Mom. 

Thought's from this week

This is another one of those posts where I just ramble about what's in my head for the week.

I've been thinking a lot on single-parenting and my future.  Am I going to be a single parent forever or do I want to go back down the dating route? I've been paused on the dating thing for a bit.   My heart needed more healing and my understanding of Gods character needed (still needs) more depth. And the straw that broke the camels back was me getting hurt, yet again, yet another guy. 

A pause needed to happen.  

I need wisdom.  When someone tells me to steer clear of someone, I want to listen. Maybe, just maybe, I can start to avoid the heartache that comes from me thinking that I know better and ignoring the advice of those that love me.  And I'm tired of getting preyed on.

Back to my point:

I look at my life, and other than my ex giving me grief through the court system and the dramatics and stress related to that, my life is really good. 

I love my little duplex tucked away in the woods and my landlords have been beyond wonderful to me.  This place is tiny for my family of four, but it forces me to declutter often and I like that.  I feel safe here.  Between my dog (he's more of an alarm than a vicious attack dog) and my landlords living upstairs, I feel safe for the first time since my ex and I split.  Restraining orders are only pieces of paper right? But here? I feel safe. And it's good.   

Financially things are okay too. (I know talking about money is kinda odd, but I'm gonna do it).

A few years back I took the Dave Ramsey class.  And while I haven't been perfect at implementing what I learned, it has helped me pull myself together and get on my feet. Having an emergency fund, savings, a budget and living kinda below my means so that I can actually LIVE, is nice.  

All that to say.  Life is good. 

So do I really need a guy in my life?

Sometimes I'm lonely.  Those moments after the kids go to bed and I'm left with myself and Netflix? It can get a little old (well....orange is the new black season 2 is now out so this week I'm more excited than lonely).  But the reality is sometimes I do crave it.  And then I think through my past relationships and go "nah....not for me."  

But then again, I have to hope that maybe perhaps I've just picked poorly in the past and my ideas of what I want need to change. 

Time will tell....

Stopping the Echoes

A friend mentioned to me recently the concept of spiritual "echoes." It was a concept I knew of but hadn't heard put that way before. As I watched and took note, I saw this echo concept unfold right in front of me. When you decide to clean up shop spiritually, it seems that whatever sin you are trying to get out of your life will leave, but later will try and echo back into your life. It's familiar, it's easy, and when your guard is down BAM! You're right back in it. Echoes are a problem for me. As I've already discussed in previous posts, it's the "two steps forward, one step back" thing that kills me. I'd like to be further away from my issues than what I really am. For almost all of the last year I'd been trying to take steps away from a sin-issue in my life, but it kept echoing and echoing and echoing. The good part was that each time I took a step away the echoes seemed to get slower and slower, until they almost completely stopped. The bad part was that those echoes shredded my heart when they did come. This week I think the last echo "echoed." I've wanted to say that for a long time, but have never been able to. I'm not PMS'ing, but I think I spent more time crying this week than I have since last summer. But it was a good kind cry. Tears of closure, healing and grief over my own sin. I ran into my friend Carlianne this week at a coffee shop. It happened that we both had some time to visit, and I ended up baring my soul, sharing my heartache and ultimately crying in public. I shared my ongoing struggle and how I haven't been able to get out. Until this week. We talked for almost two hours and when it was all said and done, I felt such freedom and relief and no judgement at all. She encouraged me to go find a quiet place to talk to God about it all and clear my head. I did just that. I felt cobwebs lift from my brain and things came into focus, things that should have been in focus all along. It hurts to have the door closed, but the hurt comes from my own mistake, particularly the mistake of not closing all the doors so there could be no echoes ages ago. Also this grief that I'm feeling over my own sin? My friend Linda pointed out to me that it's a good thing because it means that I am becoming more sensitive to God's voice in my life. There is no condemnation in it, just a strong conviction and the knowledge that the warning's He gave me last year were there for my own heart's sake. He will definitely be there next time around to guide me and protect me. Next time I hope that I listen better. I'm so thankful that God loves me in a way that far exceeds any human kind love.

(Just a random photo of my baby and his dog.....so much love right here.)

  

Last nights show.

In my last post I said I don't get out much, but somehow I ended up out twice in one week.  Not sure how that happened, but it did.  My next night out isn't scheduled until October, so I'm gonna have to live on these good memories for awhile.

My buddy Chase and I went to see Cage the Elephant and Foals in Portland last night.  Chase and I have been friends for years.....all the way back since we were co-workers at the Rose Tree in 2004.   We pulled our share of restaurant pranks for sure.  He introduced me to Fight Club, which is one of my all time favorite movies to this day, and he told me he was gonna be a rock star.  I didn't see the man for quite a few years because of just that....he went on tour - Warped tour, SXSW and whole bunch of others I'm not cool enough to know of while I was doing the married/wife/kids things.
Long story short, we started talking again sometime last year and despite the fact that we live completely different lifestyles (he's a cool musician person and I'm a single mom with 3 kids) we somehow end up hanging out every few months or so and we always have a great drama-free time.

Last night we went and saw 2 bands I love.  Sold out show at the Crystal Ballroom.  While I haven't been to a whole heap of venues, Crystal is my current favorite.  We did the concert thing, waited in line FOREVER.  Stood on the muggy 100 degrees floor FOREVER. And waited and waited and waited for the show.  Both of us were soaked in sweat by the time it started and then it was crazy.

 I ended up in the pit at the front more than once, my feet and legs are beat to heck, and I helped a girl hold up her drunk best friend so she could clap to her favorite song.  Poor thing.

A couple video clips, but first, I don't even try to edit video so don't ask.  Not my medium.  Second.  Horizontal videos are not an option when you're being shoved around like that.  Sorry for vertical videos.

Lead singer for Foals. When it goes black that's definitely his butt floating over me.


(Yes I know, you can't even tell what was happening.  No one could.)


A slower one - my favorite song from Foals "Late Night"



 Then Cage the Elephant.  My sad attempt at holding the camera over my head while trying to not get knocked down.  I fall over at the end.

I stayed up there for awhile but was getting creeped on in the worst way by some old guy. (I know I'm in a pit and everyone touches everyone, but one can only handle so much dry-humping and inappropriate touching from a stranger during the slow moments) I was also covered head to toe in other peoples sweat, so I backed up on the craziness halfway through CTE set and sweet talked a bouncer into not one, but two bottles of water.  It had to be 110 degrees or more with 100% humidity up there.  Everyone was soaked all the way through.  AMAZING.





 I have a dozen more clips, most of them end with me getting plowed, but I'm not gonna try and edit them and make them all cool looking and I broke the holy rule of videography anyway and shot vertical on most of them. I'm gonna just stop.

My voice is gone, the adrenaline rush was INSANE.  I LOVE live music.  Seriously, amazing. 

We left, blasted some Wilco with the windows down and called it a night.

Good times.  Drama free times.  I could do with less drama in my life for real. Despite being soaked in other peoples sweat I felt refreshed.  Thanks Chase and the Dragon.

2 steps forward 1 step back

Doing the ash kicker was the most fun I've had in a long time.

We camped out the night before and stayed up way too late having girly conversations.

We kicked ash!

I am sore today.  Like I can barely move.  But I checked our stats a bit ago and found out I got second place for my age category.  I couldn't believe it.  

I'm so grateful for my friends.  I have a lot of good ones in my life and life would not be the same without them.  

But I took a step backwards this weekend and I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Last year was a rough one for me.  I made some bad choices involving men, alcohol and life and I determined this year was not going to be like last year.  

But I drank on an empty stomach post race yesterday.  I know better.  In fact I had planned on not drinking anything at all.  But the adrenaline rush and free beer were there and I tossed my resolution aside and threw back a not-so-cold one and some fireball.  

I was having a great time for most of the day.  Then somewhere post bacon-cheeseburger it turned on me.

I made an bit of an idiot out of myself.  I definitely puked on my friends tent.  

Thankfully I had a friend there that threw me over his shoulder, got me to a less public place of being sick, helped me get the vomit out of my hair and gave me some stomach calming sprite and saltines.  

I slept it off and amazingly woke up not hungover or sick, just a little bit of a growly stomach, no appetite, and a lot of embarassment.  

 I'm not made for the single party life at all.   I don't want to be a part of that type of lifestyle either.  It made me sad looking at my behavior.

I don't have an addictive relationship to alcohol.  But I do have a problem with feeling like I gotta go big or go home.

I don't get out much as a single mom with 3 kids.   I have full custody of my kids - my ex lost all visitation rights almost 4 years ago so I don't have the every other weekend thing that most divorcees seem to have.  I don't resent it at all, in fact I'm beyond grateful for it.  But the fact is, I don't get out much and when I do I tend to feel like I owe it to myself to live it up a bit. Which is why throwing back some beer and fireball sounded so great.   

I was never a big drinker.   I drank a few times when I was 18 and quickly realized party life wasn't my kinda life.   Then I married a person "in recovery" and so I supported his sobriety by not drinking.  From age 18 to 25 I only drank alcohol once.   Since then though I've had a love/hate relationship with alcohol.   Dealing with PTSD like I do can be a lot easier with a drink.   But the truth is this: there is not a single good thing that has ever come from me having alcohol.  Not that bad things come from it every time I drink, they don't, but on those occasional kid-free weekends where I feel the urge to live it up? There's a good chance I'll end up being an idiot. 

For the last few months my relationship with God had actually been more on track than it has been in a long time. I felt like I was taking good steps forward. Then I drank this weekend and felt like I lost all progress I had made over the last few months.

The communion message was given this morning as I sat there condemning myself for my mistakes.   He talked about Gods grace and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

This morning when I first woke up the condemning thoughts that attacked me were hellish at best.  "I'm a failure." "Why do I even try." "I'm never going to be okay." "Your kids deserve a better mom."

I needed to pull myself out of condemnation and discouragement.  

The message of Gods grace and love were so real to me today.   I needed to hear it.  I also needed hugs from my kids, and I got lots of those.   Olivia even gave me a much-needed back rub before going to bed tonight. 

Being really honest with myself here: I think alcohol and I need to break up.  If I could think of a benefit to drinking maybe I wouldn't say this, but I really can't think of one.  

 I'm not good at this single life thing.  I know getting myself out there is how I'm supposed to meet people and possibly end up in a relationship, but I'm not good at this.  I was made for relationship.  And while I am content where God has me right now, I'm realizing it's time for me to move forward and get out of this place I've been in for so long.  

Also.  This song.  I heard it for the first time a few weeks back and it totally moved me to tears.  Remembering that's Gods grace never runs dry? I have no words.  

http://youtu.be/qXqvJb_IGak

So I'm gonna pick myself up.  Focus on the amazing time I had this weekend before I had anything to drink.  Learn from my mistakes.  Cut the booze.  And keep on moving forward.  

God's Perception

My week hasn't been the easiest.

I kinda feel like a knife has been jabbed in me and twisted several times.  I've had to take a lot of deep breaths and try my hardest to keep my temper under control.  It hasn't been easy and a few angry words have escaped my mouth. 

God's perception of me is what matters.  And I'm trying so hard to remember that.  I should know that one by heart given the nonsense I've gone through in the past 4 years. 

 Yes. I do sometimes overhear the things people say about me behind my back.  There are a lot of people that support my children and I, an overwhelming amount of people actually, but there are those few that like to say crappy things about me and the choice I made to believe my kids and stick up for them.  Thick skin is a given.  I would rather have people throw dirt at me all day long and know that my kids are safe than the alternative - living with a sick secret for the sake of appearances.  I am not the woman that makes her life choices based on what looks good.  

After 4 years it's become almost easy to let that stuff roll off my back.  It's pretty black and white to me, I made the right choice and I've never doubted my decision. 

But this week was different.  This week it wasn't so black and white.  Getting hurt was a given.  Doubting my choices (not in regards to my kids of course, other stuff) and wondering if I really am doing okay in this life.  

In the end of it all I'm left with the realization that I have no control over how other's view me or feel about me.  I just don't.  I can say a million and one words, show love and kindness in every way I know how and be the nicest and sweetest person possible (or even be a total jerk), but I simply can't control another person's view of me or feelings towards me. 

Which is where I am left tonight.  Pulling out the knife.  Asking God to heal the wound.  Forgiving.  

Knowing that people pleasing is no way to live life.  Knowing that there is simply no way to please everyone anyways.   Knowing that I can stand my ground and still be loving.  Knowing that a person's perception of me, real or imagined, isn't God's perception of me. 

Reminding myself once again that it is only His view of me that is eternal and it is only Him that I serve.  

Gross cleaning stuff

So I posted a question the other day - which is worse? Cleaning out a dirty fridge, cleaning out the bottom of a trash can after something has leaked and fermented in it for 5 days, or cleaning a toilet that two young boys with poor aim regularly use.

It's been my busy season at work again and so I've fallen behind on most of my housework.  Not that my house was/is completely filthy.  It just needs a full day's cleaning and it will be fine.....I hope.   I haven't had a full day to do that in ages.  Does any mom ever have that?

I decided on my one day off to let my kids play and do whatever crazy stuff they wanted in the house, as long as it wasn't in the room I was cleaning so that I could try to get my kitchen and bathroom under control.  The kids really needed a regular old "stay home" day anyways.

My kitchen didn't really seem THAT dirty, the dishes were done and counters were tidy. But I knew I was a phony.  My garbage can and fridge were disgusting and several of my cabinets had food on the outside of them thanks to my 3 year old's little hands.  So I went crazy on my kitchen.  Scrubbing every square inch of my fridge and freezer, hand mopping the floor, wiping down every cabinet, cleaning out and getting rid of all the old condiments and spices that had accumulated and hosing out that nasty garbage can.

That can?  You can't spray hard enough to get the crap out of the bottom without the water splashing out the top and gravitating (naturally) towards your face no matter what direction you have the top of the can facing.  I got hit in the face with what I assume was scrambled egg?  The smell of rotten egg and garbage water made me gag. I almost tossed my cookies on my driveway right then and there.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this - I had to make 4 trips to our big green trash can just from my kitchen.  Between the old and expired condiments, some old food in the fridge, some freezer burned stuff from the freezer, and the broken toaster, there was a serious amount of crap removed from the area.

My fridge pretty much sparkles now though it MAY be time for me to go grocery shopping.

And so does the rest of the kitchen.

Can you see any crumbs on this counter?  No.  Because there aren't any.

Meanwhile my kids got into a rousing game of hide and seek that I overheard but assumed they were being responsible since everyone seemed to be laughing and having a good time.

 I was wrong.

THIS is what my room now looks like.   (It was really rather clean before all this)

Hide and seek led to my daughter hiding in my closet and not just breaking my shoe rack but also knocking over half of the clothes I had hanging up onto the floor. That's all the knocked down clothes on the bed and dresser there.

Meanwhile, Tristen NEEDED a certain shirt and since his siblings didn't seem to know which shirt, THIS happened: 

Oh....and the bathroom. This is my bathroom counter pre-cleaning.

 I did get to it and the toilet after getting my kids to bed for the evening and now it's all sparkly and clean just like I like it.

I've come to accept that when life is busy it is just too much to hope for a completely clean house.  I have 2 sparkly clean rooms out of 6.  That is 1/3.  I'm batting over 300. Not bad right?

My conclusion at the end of the night?  The toilet was the least nasty.  My daughter has a weird thing for cleaning toilets that I don't understand and cleans our toilets whenever she feels like it.  It was probably only 4 or 5 days since its last good cleaning.

The fridge?  Being that Tristen had spilled apple juice (when trying to get it himself) over pretty much everything in my fridge a few days ago, it was all a toddlerified sticky mess to clean.  But really, there were just some leftover's to be tossed, some old condiments, and one moldy item.  Just one.  Kinda impressed with myself on that one.  All in all, not that bad.

The garbage can won this hands down.  Sick and wrong.  5 day old fermented dairy products splashing out and, despite my best efforts, hitting my face was just IT for me.  Gag city.  I wanted to quit right then and there.

So there you go.  I answered my own question. :-)