Doing the ash kicker was the most fun I've had in a long time.
We kicked ash!
I am sore today. Like I can barely move. But I checked our stats a bit ago and found out I got second place for my age category. I couldn't believe it.
But I took a step backwards this weekend and I'm a little disappointed in myself.
Last year was a rough one for me. I made some bad choices involving men, alcohol and life and I determined this year was not going to be like last year.
But I drank on an empty stomach post race yesterday. I know better. In fact I had planned on not drinking anything at all. But the adrenaline rush and free beer were there and I tossed my resolution aside and threw back a not-so-cold one and some fireball.
I was having a great time for most of the day. Then somewhere post bacon-cheeseburger it turned on me.
I made an bit of an idiot out of myself. I definitely puked on my friends tent.
Thankfully I had a friend there that threw me over his shoulder, got me to a less public place of being sick, helped me get the vomit out of my hair and gave me some stomach calming sprite and saltines.
I slept it off and amazingly woke up not hungover or sick, just a little bit of a growly stomach, no appetite, and a lot of embarassment.
I'm not made for the single party life at all. I don't want to be a part of that type of lifestyle either. It made me sad looking at my behavior.
I don't have an addictive relationship to alcohol. But I do have a problem with feeling like I gotta go big or go home.
I don't get out much as a single mom with 3 kids. I have full custody of my kids - my ex lost all visitation rights almost 4 years ago so I don't have the every other weekend thing that most divorcees seem to have. I don't resent it at all, in fact I'm beyond grateful for it. But the fact is, I don't get out much and when I do I tend to feel like I owe it to myself to live it up a bit. Which is why throwing back some beer and fireball sounded so great.
I was never a big drinker. I drank a few times when I was 18 and quickly realized party life wasn't my kinda life. Then I married a person "in recovery" and so I supported his sobriety by not drinking. From age 18 to 25 I only drank alcohol once. Since then though I've had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. Dealing with PTSD like I do can be a lot easier with a drink. But the truth is this: there is not a single good thing that has ever come from me having alcohol. Not that bad things come from it every time I drink, they don't, but on those occasional kid-free weekends where I feel the urge to live it up? There's a good chance I'll end up being an idiot.
For the last few months my relationship with God had actually been more on track than it has been in a long time. I felt like I was taking good steps forward. Then I drank this weekend and felt like I lost all progress I had made over the last few months.
The communion message was given this morning as I sat there condemning myself for my mistakes. He talked about Gods grace and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
This morning when I first woke up the condemning thoughts that attacked me were hellish at best. "I'm a failure." "Why do I even try." "I'm never going to be okay." "Your kids deserve a better mom."
I needed to pull myself out of condemnation and discouragement.
The message of Gods grace and love were so real to me today. I needed to hear it. I also needed hugs from my kids, and I got lots of those. Olivia even gave me a much-needed back rub before going to bed tonight.
Being really honest with myself here: I think alcohol and I need to break up. If I could think of a benefit to drinking maybe I wouldn't say this, but I really can't think of one.
I'm not good at this single life thing. I know getting myself out there is how I'm supposed to meet people and possibly end up in a relationship, but I'm not good at this. I was made for relationship. And while I am content where God has me right now, I'm realizing it's time for me to move forward and get out of this place I've been in for so long.
Also. This song. I heard it for the first time a few weeks back and it totally moved me to tears. Remembering that's Gods grace never runs dry? I have no words.
So I'm gonna pick myself up. Focus on the amazing time I had this weekend before I had anything to drink. Learn from my mistakes. Cut the booze. And keep on moving forward.
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