God's Perception

My week hasn't been the easiest.

I kinda feel like a knife has been jabbed in me and twisted several times.  I've had to take a lot of deep breaths and try my hardest to keep my temper under control.  It hasn't been easy and a few angry words have escaped my mouth. 

God's perception of me is what matters.  And I'm trying so hard to remember that.  I should know that one by heart given the nonsense I've gone through in the past 4 years. 

 Yes. I do sometimes overhear the things people say about me behind my back.  There are a lot of people that support my children and I, an overwhelming amount of people actually, but there are those few that like to say crappy things about me and the choice I made to believe my kids and stick up for them.  Thick skin is a given.  I would rather have people throw dirt at me all day long and know that my kids are safe than the alternative - living with a sick secret for the sake of appearances.  I am not the woman that makes her life choices based on what looks good.  

After 4 years it's become almost easy to let that stuff roll off my back.  It's pretty black and white to me, I made the right choice and I've never doubted my decision. 

But this week was different.  This week it wasn't so black and white.  Getting hurt was a given.  Doubting my choices (not in regards to my kids of course, other stuff) and wondering if I really am doing okay in this life.  

In the end of it all I'm left with the realization that I have no control over how other's view me or feel about me.  I just don't.  I can say a million and one words, show love and kindness in every way I know how and be the nicest and sweetest person possible (or even be a total jerk), but I simply can't control another person's view of me or feelings towards me. 

Which is where I am left tonight.  Pulling out the knife.  Asking God to heal the wound.  Forgiving.  

Knowing that people pleasing is no way to live life.  Knowing that there is simply no way to please everyone anyways.   Knowing that I can stand my ground and still be loving.  Knowing that a person's perception of me, real or imagined, isn't God's perception of me. 

Reminding myself once again that it is only His view of me that is eternal and it is only Him that I serve.  

Gross cleaning stuff

So I posted a question the other day - which is worse? Cleaning out a dirty fridge, cleaning out the bottom of a trash can after something has leaked and fermented in it for 5 days, or cleaning a toilet that two young boys with poor aim regularly use.

It's been my busy season at work again and so I've fallen behind on most of my housework.  Not that my house was/is completely filthy.  It just needs a full day's cleaning and it will be fine.....I hope.   I haven't had a full day to do that in ages.  Does any mom ever have that?

I decided on my one day off to let my kids play and do whatever crazy stuff they wanted in the house, as long as it wasn't in the room I was cleaning so that I could try to get my kitchen and bathroom under control.  The kids really needed a regular old "stay home" day anyways.

My kitchen didn't really seem THAT dirty, the dishes were done and counters were tidy. But I knew I was a phony.  My garbage can and fridge were disgusting and several of my cabinets had food on the outside of them thanks to my 3 year old's little hands.  So I went crazy on my kitchen.  Scrubbing every square inch of my fridge and freezer, hand mopping the floor, wiping down every cabinet, cleaning out and getting rid of all the old condiments and spices that had accumulated and hosing out that nasty garbage can.

That can?  You can't spray hard enough to get the crap out of the bottom without the water splashing out the top and gravitating (naturally) towards your face no matter what direction you have the top of the can facing.  I got hit in the face with what I assume was scrambled egg?  The smell of rotten egg and garbage water made me gag. I almost tossed my cookies on my driveway right then and there.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this - I had to make 4 trips to our big green trash can just from my kitchen.  Between the old and expired condiments, some old food in the fridge, some freezer burned stuff from the freezer, and the broken toaster, there was a serious amount of crap removed from the area.

My fridge pretty much sparkles now though it MAY be time for me to go grocery shopping.

And so does the rest of the kitchen.

Can you see any crumbs on this counter?  No.  Because there aren't any.

Meanwhile my kids got into a rousing game of hide and seek that I overheard but assumed they were being responsible since everyone seemed to be laughing and having a good time.

 I was wrong.

THIS is what my room now looks like.   (It was really rather clean before all this)

Hide and seek led to my daughter hiding in my closet and not just breaking my shoe rack but also knocking over half of the clothes I had hanging up onto the floor. That's all the knocked down clothes on the bed and dresser there.

Meanwhile, Tristen NEEDED a certain shirt and since his siblings didn't seem to know which shirt, THIS happened: 

Oh....and the bathroom. This is my bathroom counter pre-cleaning.

 I did get to it and the toilet after getting my kids to bed for the evening and now it's all sparkly and clean just like I like it.

I've come to accept that when life is busy it is just too much to hope for a completely clean house.  I have 2 sparkly clean rooms out of 6.  That is 1/3.  I'm batting over 300. Not bad right?

My conclusion at the end of the night?  The toilet was the least nasty.  My daughter has a weird thing for cleaning toilets that I don't understand and cleans our toilets whenever she feels like it.  It was probably only 4 or 5 days since its last good cleaning.

The fridge?  Being that Tristen had spilled apple juice (when trying to get it himself) over pretty much everything in my fridge a few days ago, it was all a toddlerified sticky mess to clean.  But really, there were just some leftover's to be tossed, some old condiments, and one moldy item.  Just one.  Kinda impressed with myself on that one.  All in all, not that bad.

The garbage can won this hands down.  Sick and wrong.  5 day old fermented dairy products splashing out and, despite my best efforts, hitting my face was just IT for me.  Gag city.  I wanted to quit right then and there.

So there you go.  I answered my own question. :-)

Breakthrough's

I've been rather quiet on here lately.  A lot has been going on in my life but I've had to mostly (at least temporarily) internalize things rather than share what has been going on.  I've been trying to think of how to put things into words and every time I sit down to my laptop to type it all up, my words fall short and I'm left in the silent processing of what it is that God is doing in my life.   I already know my words are going to fall short, but I need to try anyways, so bear with me.

Lent - it ended Thursday.  I successfully made it 40 days mostly without caffeine.  I will confess I ordered a whiskey and coke when I went out to have a drink with a friend forgetting that coke has caffeine.   I didn't sleep much that night, my heart was racing and I was physically shaking from the caffeine....and I only had one!  I also messed up on the fast food thing a few times without even thinking about it.  What I realized from all of this?  How much more I want God's thoughts to be forefront in my mind.  I was more than once casual and forgetful about what I was doing, not thinking, not caring, not even remembering.   It humbled me to realize how careless my thoughts can be - not that it was some sin to have caffeine or fast food (it wasn't) but that I could forgot so easily that I had agreed to not partake in something as a reminder of Christ's great sacrifice for me.   

I'm also re-realizing the power of prayer.   I've been meeting every Monday with a wonderful lady that is helping me work through some of my issues.  To say that my faith has been increased over the last 2 months would be a total injustice to what it is that I am learning.  We've tackled different issues and topics nearly every week and in one way or another things have moved and shifted in my life like I have never seen.  I'm struggling to put into words what God has worked in and out and around me.   It's reconnecting with my first love, finally being able to rest in His peace, knowing that His heart is for me, knowing that my doubt, my anger towards Him, my rebellion, my great sin? It is no more and it is forgiven.  It's finally being able to raise my hands in worship of my Savior again after struggling with even looking at Him for nearly a year.   

That last one?  How do I put into words the relief and joy I feel at finally being able to say and believe that He is good and in turn raise my hands and worship Him.  

In some areas I feel healed and in others I'm finally seeing the hope of being healable. 

The labels I've put on myself don't carry the bondage that they used to anymore.  The wounds are becoming scars.   I'm standing up for myself in areas that I've never had the courage to stand up in before.   

I'm breaking free. 

There is so much more I could write.  But my words fall short and I'm about to go back to my silent internalization of the things God is working in and around me.   

Happy Easter!

Working out the self-control thing.

Self-control, it seems to be something that God is wanting to give me more and more of these days, and that's a good thing.  I'm trying to receive it, I am.  But it's hard.

The past few weeks I've been really focused on training my youngest in the subject.  We've had more than a few public meltdowns on his part. One involved me throwing him under one arm as my last resort (kicking and screaming, naturally) and dragging a stroller over 100 yards to my car, surrounded by dozens of people, staring of course (like their toddlers never did this? Righhhhhhtttttt) as I tried to get him to practice some self control and quit throwing a fit in public.   

We had a talk, some discipline was given and things moved on.   

Last night we went to the park and when it was time to leave he defiantly crossed his arm and said. "No.  Not leaving this park."  (and really I couldn't blame him with what a beautiful night it was).  So I went over and picked him up, told him to change his attitude or there would be consequences and loaded him in the car.   He started crying, and I gave him the look.  Moments later I heard him trying to control the sobs.  Deep breaths were taken.  Sobs got a little quieter.  Finally he said "I changed my attitude mom.  I'm sorry." (followed by a quiet little sob).  As soon as we got home I sat on the couch with him and he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried a few more tears about the disappointment of having to leave the park.   And then it was done. 

I realized at that point that we had had our first breakthrough in the toddler self-control department.  He's getting it, he's figuring out that even when he's heartbroken or hurt about something, he's allowed to be emotional, but he still has to be obedient and tantrums are not allowed.  Self control.  It's a beautiful thing.  

It's something I'm trying to remember myself too.  Self control as an adult has a whole different look.  It's the not looking at what you shouldn't, not saying things you shouldn't say, steering clear of the things that cause harm, not gossiping, controlling the tongue, not letting emotional impulses run your life.  Oh....and not eating that entire pack of Oreos that's hiding in the kitchen right now.  Ugh. 

God's been working it in me a lot lately.  I still have a lot of weak areas that I want Him to help me get stronger in.   But I'm making progress and feeling stronger in that area, and I like it.  

Rainy days and a 500mm f4

So this day? Crazy bi-polar.  Seriously.

I opened up my day with public speaking and that's not really a good opening in my world.  

Granted I don't hate it like I did in college.  But a room full of sophomores gives me a case of nerves and somehow makes me talk 10,000 miles an hour.   No really.  My co-worker recorded me and I sounded like a chipmunk.  

So by 11 my nerves were already toast.  

Then I had to drive to two of our most far off schools in the pouring rain.  I despise driving in the rain thanks to a hydroplaning accident I was in at 18 (I should have been completely smashed by a semi and somehow God saved me -total miracle). 

So nerves? Double fried.

Then came the dealing with personal drama and that can definitely bring on anxiety.  Thankfully I have amazing friends, my pastors are incredible people, and things got resolved to a point where I feel peaceful and even better than I did before the drama started. 

Then I got home and checked my bank account to discover that I'd finally recieved a very late and smaller than it was supposed to be child support payment.   Annoying.  But at least it's something right? 

The shortage meant I was going to have to pull savings out of my far to small savings account to fund my babies birthday this weekend.  So I was sitting here all stressed about it when I started getting texts from people wanting to buy my jeep.

Sweet relief.  Whatever little bit I may have to pull from savings I'm going to be able to replace and add even more to it.  

It was such a good little reminder to me that even when crap happens, or the ex shorts us again, or whatever little drama rips at my emotions, God has a plan to bring peace to the situation.  

Sure, receiving support on time and in the right amount would be cool, but it's even cooler that God is coming through with 10 times the shortage.  And the drama? God is turning wounds into scars that no longer hurt through His beautiful way of healing.  Plus the lessons learned are hopefully making me a wiser woman, though time will tell on that one.

All that to say, I'm glad that God does what He does, and glad that I'm finally able to see the positive even in the days that are less than awesome. 

Oh and as far as the rain and public speaking? I turned on a sermon when I started driving and didn't want to look at my phone for the rest of the trip, so my typically ADD brain was force-fed a great sermon.  

The public speaking thing? I got to play with this cool lens that made my little nerd heart happy and almost made up for the fact that I had to actually SPEAK in front of REAL PEOPLE.

(Sorry for the iphoneography)

I really wasn't trying to flip off the camera.  

My day may not have been the greatest, (though I almost feel like I need to follow that statement with #firstworldproblems) God still showed up and made my rainy, public speaking and little bit drama filled day a good day.  

Like an onion

We all have layers like an onion.  And I kinda feel like God has been peeling off my layers of issues just like one peels off those outer layers of an onion to get to the good (and tear-making) parts of the onion.  I'm allowing myself to be healable.  It's hard, but so good.

Some of it has involved me taking steps back from relationships and people.  Reprioritizing.   Realizing that giving away myself to others doesn't mean I have to die in the process.   Making my kids a priority, shutting down my phone when I'm with them.  Even when this means I ignore messages.  Utilizing the "do not disturb" feature.  Unplugging more and plugging into my kids and my life. Not that I want to shut people out, but I need to focus in on my babies more.

Each day I've been making the conscious effort to set down the phone, to say no to the things that take away from my family - not to be confused with giving back as a family....that's another topic!  To utilize my spare time wisely - mid-day coffees (decaf of course!) with friends vs. late extravagant nights out that mean the babysitter puts the kids to bed.  Honing in on my job when I'm at work.  Honing in on my kids when I'm home.   

It's tough.  I love being social.  But I know that my focus in this season of life is my kids and their lives...not mine.  Being their parent.  Being their friend too. 

My oldest boy confided things in me this week, things I won't share, but things that made me so proud of him, and myself a little too as a mom. I'm so happy that him and I have the kind of relationship that he can't wait to talk to me about things that most kids might not want to share.  

And my baby this week? He told me that "when you're little and old mommy, and I'm big and strong, I'm gonna take care of you and be your mommy."

Sigh.....He may have the gender and aging facts confused, but his little heart just melts me.  

All that to say - I'm digging the things God is working in my heart.  Some of them have been hard.  But when I listen and obey I'm finding peace and it's beautiful.   

Settled

I've had one of those weeks.  Not a bad week.  Not a good week. Just kind of a in-the-middle week.  Maybe it was the caffeine withdrawals that made it this rather foggy and not very many ups and downs kind of way.  Or maybe it's just that life had been so bi-polar for me that an average week just kinda feels a little strange.  Normalcy? I don't know what that is.  

I do know something kinda profound though that I finally realized today as I was cleaning my house.

I'm settled.

This is a kinda of a female thing here so bear with me. 

When my ex and I bought our house in 2006 I made it a home.  I painted every wall, hung over 200 photos, made and bought curtains, garage-saled for furniture and it was just "us."  From the black and white canvases on the wall of the family, to the messiness of the office, to the damask curtains, in the living room, to the abundance of lemon decor that littered every spare inch of my ginormous kitchen.  It was home. 

When we finally got out of it, we stayed at a shelter for domestic violence victims. Of course that wasn't home for me.  Then we stayed with my family as I tried to get into a home.  We lived out of suitcases from August until the end of January, and when we finally unpacked in our new place I thought "maybe this is it."

But I never settled.

We stayed there for a year and a half.  When I moved in my next door neighbor was dealing (of course I never actually SAW this happen....but the never ending stream of Cadillacs through our driveways was a good indicator).  He left and two registered sex offenders joined the area.  Then two women with a steady stream of different men every night (no comment) moved into the two houses adjacent to mine.  Then I found out my ex was living in close proximity to me.  Then one of my neighbors informed me that he caught a man spying on me through my window.  And that was the last straw.  

So we moved.  And then moved again.

This place I'm in now, it's the third house I've lived in since my divorce started.  It's small.  It's secluded.  It's peaceful. It's affordable.

It's not quite as decorated as I want, but some photos are up, some curtains too.  I bought a (used) couch and a new rug, painted my garage sale coffee tables new colors and suddenly it feels like it's mine. 

My budget says I can stay here and afford it and actually live a little instead of just survive.

It feels peaceful.  We feel safe.  Lord willing no monsters will come and take this from us.  

I'm excited to see what God has for our future.  But for right now? This is a good place to be and I hope it lasts.