Stopping the Echoes

A friend mentioned to me recently the concept of spiritual "echoes." It was a concept I knew of but hadn't heard put that way before. As I watched and took note, I saw this echo concept unfold right in front of me. When you decide to clean up shop spiritually, it seems that whatever sin you are trying to get out of your life will leave, but later will try and echo back into your life. It's familiar, it's easy, and when your guard is down BAM! You're right back in it. Echoes are a problem for me. As I've already discussed in previous posts, it's the "two steps forward, one step back" thing that kills me. I'd like to be further away from my issues than what I really am. For almost all of the last year I'd been trying to take steps away from a sin-issue in my life, but it kept echoing and echoing and echoing. The good part was that each time I took a step away the echoes seemed to get slower and slower, until they almost completely stopped. The bad part was that those echoes shredded my heart when they did come. This week I think the last echo "echoed." I've wanted to say that for a long time, but have never been able to. I'm not PMS'ing, but I think I spent more time crying this week than I have since last summer. But it was a good kind cry. Tears of closure, healing and grief over my own sin. I ran into my friend Carlianne this week at a coffee shop. It happened that we both had some time to visit, and I ended up baring my soul, sharing my heartache and ultimately crying in public. I shared my ongoing struggle and how I haven't been able to get out. Until this week. We talked for almost two hours and when it was all said and done, I felt such freedom and relief and no judgement at all. She encouraged me to go find a quiet place to talk to God about it all and clear my head. I did just that. I felt cobwebs lift from my brain and things came into focus, things that should have been in focus all along. It hurts to have the door closed, but the hurt comes from my own mistake, particularly the mistake of not closing all the doors so there could be no echoes ages ago. Also this grief that I'm feeling over my own sin? My friend Linda pointed out to me that it's a good thing because it means that I am becoming more sensitive to God's voice in my life. There is no condemnation in it, just a strong conviction and the knowledge that the warning's He gave me last year were there for my own heart's sake. He will definitely be there next time around to guide me and protect me. Next time I hope that I listen better. I'm so thankful that God loves me in a way that far exceeds any human kind love.

(Just a random photo of my baby and his dog.....so much love right here.)

  

Last nights show.

In my last post I said I don't get out much, but somehow I ended up out twice in one week.  Not sure how that happened, but it did.  My next night out isn't scheduled until October, so I'm gonna have to live on these good memories for awhile.

My buddy Chase and I went to see Cage the Elephant and Foals in Portland last night.  Chase and I have been friends for years.....all the way back since we were co-workers at the Rose Tree in 2004.   We pulled our share of restaurant pranks for sure.  He introduced me to Fight Club, which is one of my all time favorite movies to this day, and he told me he was gonna be a rock star.  I didn't see the man for quite a few years because of just that....he went on tour - Warped tour, SXSW and whole bunch of others I'm not cool enough to know of while I was doing the married/wife/kids things.
Long story short, we started talking again sometime last year and despite the fact that we live completely different lifestyles (he's a cool musician person and I'm a single mom with 3 kids) we somehow end up hanging out every few months or so and we always have a great drama-free time.

Last night we went and saw 2 bands I love.  Sold out show at the Crystal Ballroom.  While I haven't been to a whole heap of venues, Crystal is my current favorite.  We did the concert thing, waited in line FOREVER.  Stood on the muggy 100 degrees floor FOREVER. And waited and waited and waited for the show.  Both of us were soaked in sweat by the time it started and then it was crazy.

 I ended up in the pit at the front more than once, my feet and legs are beat to heck, and I helped a girl hold up her drunk best friend so she could clap to her favorite song.  Poor thing.

A couple video clips, but first, I don't even try to edit video so don't ask.  Not my medium.  Second.  Horizontal videos are not an option when you're being shoved around like that.  Sorry for vertical videos.

Lead singer for Foals. When it goes black that's definitely his butt floating over me.


(Yes I know, you can't even tell what was happening.  No one could.)


A slower one - my favorite song from Foals "Late Night"



 Then Cage the Elephant.  My sad attempt at holding the camera over my head while trying to not get knocked down.  I fall over at the end.

I stayed up there for awhile but was getting creeped on in the worst way by some old guy. (I know I'm in a pit and everyone touches everyone, but one can only handle so much dry-humping and inappropriate touching from a stranger during the slow moments) I was also covered head to toe in other peoples sweat, so I backed up on the craziness halfway through CTE set and sweet talked a bouncer into not one, but two bottles of water.  It had to be 110 degrees or more with 100% humidity up there.  Everyone was soaked all the way through.  AMAZING.





 I have a dozen more clips, most of them end with me getting plowed, but I'm not gonna try and edit them and make them all cool looking and I broke the holy rule of videography anyway and shot vertical on most of them. I'm gonna just stop.

My voice is gone, the adrenaline rush was INSANE.  I LOVE live music.  Seriously, amazing. 

We left, blasted some Wilco with the windows down and called it a night.

Good times.  Drama free times.  I could do with less drama in my life for real. Despite being soaked in other peoples sweat I felt refreshed.  Thanks Chase and the Dragon.

2 steps forward 1 step back

Doing the ash kicker was the most fun I've had in a long time.

We camped out the night before and stayed up way too late having girly conversations.

We kicked ash!

I am sore today.  Like I can barely move.  But I checked our stats a bit ago and found out I got second place for my age category.  I couldn't believe it.  

I'm so grateful for my friends.  I have a lot of good ones in my life and life would not be the same without them.  

But I took a step backwards this weekend and I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Last year was a rough one for me.  I made some bad choices involving men, alcohol and life and I determined this year was not going to be like last year.  

But I drank on an empty stomach post race yesterday.  I know better.  In fact I had planned on not drinking anything at all.  But the adrenaline rush and free beer were there and I tossed my resolution aside and threw back a not-so-cold one and some fireball.  

I was having a great time for most of the day.  Then somewhere post bacon-cheeseburger it turned on me.

I made an bit of an idiot out of myself.  I definitely puked on my friends tent.  

Thankfully I had a friend there that threw me over his shoulder, got me to a less public place of being sick, helped me get the vomit out of my hair and gave me some stomach calming sprite and saltines.  

I slept it off and amazingly woke up not hungover or sick, just a little bit of a growly stomach, no appetite, and a lot of embarassment.  

 I'm not made for the single party life at all.   I don't want to be a part of that type of lifestyle either.  It made me sad looking at my behavior.

I don't have an addictive relationship to alcohol.  But I do have a problem with feeling like I gotta go big or go home.

I don't get out much as a single mom with 3 kids.   I have full custody of my kids - my ex lost all visitation rights almost 4 years ago so I don't have the every other weekend thing that most divorcees seem to have.  I don't resent it at all, in fact I'm beyond grateful for it.  But the fact is, I don't get out much and when I do I tend to feel like I owe it to myself to live it up a bit. Which is why throwing back some beer and fireball sounded so great.   

I was never a big drinker.   I drank a few times when I was 18 and quickly realized party life wasn't my kinda life.   Then I married a person "in recovery" and so I supported his sobriety by not drinking.  From age 18 to 25 I only drank alcohol once.   Since then though I've had a love/hate relationship with alcohol.   Dealing with PTSD like I do can be a lot easier with a drink.   But the truth is this: there is not a single good thing that has ever come from me having alcohol.  Not that bad things come from it every time I drink, they don't, but on those occasional kid-free weekends where I feel the urge to live it up? There's a good chance I'll end up being an idiot. 

For the last few months my relationship with God had actually been more on track than it has been in a long time. I felt like I was taking good steps forward. Then I drank this weekend and felt like I lost all progress I had made over the last few months.

The communion message was given this morning as I sat there condemning myself for my mistakes.   He talked about Gods grace and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

This morning when I first woke up the condemning thoughts that attacked me were hellish at best.  "I'm a failure." "Why do I even try." "I'm never going to be okay." "Your kids deserve a better mom."

I needed to pull myself out of condemnation and discouragement.  

The message of Gods grace and love were so real to me today.   I needed to hear it.  I also needed hugs from my kids, and I got lots of those.   Olivia even gave me a much-needed back rub before going to bed tonight. 

Being really honest with myself here: I think alcohol and I need to break up.  If I could think of a benefit to drinking maybe I wouldn't say this, but I really can't think of one.  

 I'm not good at this single life thing.  I know getting myself out there is how I'm supposed to meet people and possibly end up in a relationship, but I'm not good at this.  I was made for relationship.  And while I am content where God has me right now, I'm realizing it's time for me to move forward and get out of this place I've been in for so long.  

Also.  This song.  I heard it for the first time a few weeks back and it totally moved me to tears.  Remembering that's Gods grace never runs dry? I have no words.  

http://youtu.be/qXqvJb_IGak

So I'm gonna pick myself up.  Focus on the amazing time I had this weekend before I had anything to drink.  Learn from my mistakes.  Cut the booze.  And keep on moving forward.  

God's Perception

My week hasn't been the easiest.

I kinda feel like a knife has been jabbed in me and twisted several times.  I've had to take a lot of deep breaths and try my hardest to keep my temper under control.  It hasn't been easy and a few angry words have escaped my mouth. 

God's perception of me is what matters.  And I'm trying so hard to remember that.  I should know that one by heart given the nonsense I've gone through in the past 4 years. 

 Yes. I do sometimes overhear the things people say about me behind my back.  There are a lot of people that support my children and I, an overwhelming amount of people actually, but there are those few that like to say crappy things about me and the choice I made to believe my kids and stick up for them.  Thick skin is a given.  I would rather have people throw dirt at me all day long and know that my kids are safe than the alternative - living with a sick secret for the sake of appearances.  I am not the woman that makes her life choices based on what looks good.  

After 4 years it's become almost easy to let that stuff roll off my back.  It's pretty black and white to me, I made the right choice and I've never doubted my decision. 

But this week was different.  This week it wasn't so black and white.  Getting hurt was a given.  Doubting my choices (not in regards to my kids of course, other stuff) and wondering if I really am doing okay in this life.  

In the end of it all I'm left with the realization that I have no control over how other's view me or feel about me.  I just don't.  I can say a million and one words, show love and kindness in every way I know how and be the nicest and sweetest person possible (or even be a total jerk), but I simply can't control another person's view of me or feelings towards me. 

Which is where I am left tonight.  Pulling out the knife.  Asking God to heal the wound.  Forgiving.  

Knowing that people pleasing is no way to live life.  Knowing that there is simply no way to please everyone anyways.   Knowing that I can stand my ground and still be loving.  Knowing that a person's perception of me, real or imagined, isn't God's perception of me. 

Reminding myself once again that it is only His view of me that is eternal and it is only Him that I serve.  

Gross cleaning stuff

So I posted a question the other day - which is worse? Cleaning out a dirty fridge, cleaning out the bottom of a trash can after something has leaked and fermented in it for 5 days, or cleaning a toilet that two young boys with poor aim regularly use.

It's been my busy season at work again and so I've fallen behind on most of my housework.  Not that my house was/is completely filthy.  It just needs a full day's cleaning and it will be fine.....I hope.   I haven't had a full day to do that in ages.  Does any mom ever have that?

I decided on my one day off to let my kids play and do whatever crazy stuff they wanted in the house, as long as it wasn't in the room I was cleaning so that I could try to get my kitchen and bathroom under control.  The kids really needed a regular old "stay home" day anyways.

My kitchen didn't really seem THAT dirty, the dishes were done and counters were tidy. But I knew I was a phony.  My garbage can and fridge were disgusting and several of my cabinets had food on the outside of them thanks to my 3 year old's little hands.  So I went crazy on my kitchen.  Scrubbing every square inch of my fridge and freezer, hand mopping the floor, wiping down every cabinet, cleaning out and getting rid of all the old condiments and spices that had accumulated and hosing out that nasty garbage can.

That can?  You can't spray hard enough to get the crap out of the bottom without the water splashing out the top and gravitating (naturally) towards your face no matter what direction you have the top of the can facing.  I got hit in the face with what I assume was scrambled egg?  The smell of rotten egg and garbage water made me gag. I almost tossed my cookies on my driveway right then and there.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this - I had to make 4 trips to our big green trash can just from my kitchen.  Between the old and expired condiments, some old food in the fridge, some freezer burned stuff from the freezer, and the broken toaster, there was a serious amount of crap removed from the area.

My fridge pretty much sparkles now though it MAY be time for me to go grocery shopping.

And so does the rest of the kitchen.

Can you see any crumbs on this counter?  No.  Because there aren't any.

Meanwhile my kids got into a rousing game of hide and seek that I overheard but assumed they were being responsible since everyone seemed to be laughing and having a good time.

 I was wrong.

THIS is what my room now looks like.   (It was really rather clean before all this)

Hide and seek led to my daughter hiding in my closet and not just breaking my shoe rack but also knocking over half of the clothes I had hanging up onto the floor. That's all the knocked down clothes on the bed and dresser there.

Meanwhile, Tristen NEEDED a certain shirt and since his siblings didn't seem to know which shirt, THIS happened: 

Oh....and the bathroom. This is my bathroom counter pre-cleaning.

 I did get to it and the toilet after getting my kids to bed for the evening and now it's all sparkly and clean just like I like it.

I've come to accept that when life is busy it is just too much to hope for a completely clean house.  I have 2 sparkly clean rooms out of 6.  That is 1/3.  I'm batting over 300. Not bad right?

My conclusion at the end of the night?  The toilet was the least nasty.  My daughter has a weird thing for cleaning toilets that I don't understand and cleans our toilets whenever she feels like it.  It was probably only 4 or 5 days since its last good cleaning.

The fridge?  Being that Tristen had spilled apple juice (when trying to get it himself) over pretty much everything in my fridge a few days ago, it was all a toddlerified sticky mess to clean.  But really, there were just some leftover's to be tossed, some old condiments, and one moldy item.  Just one.  Kinda impressed with myself on that one.  All in all, not that bad.

The garbage can won this hands down.  Sick and wrong.  5 day old fermented dairy products splashing out and, despite my best efforts, hitting my face was just IT for me.  Gag city.  I wanted to quit right then and there.

So there you go.  I answered my own question. :-)

Breakthrough's

I've been rather quiet on here lately.  A lot has been going on in my life but I've had to mostly (at least temporarily) internalize things rather than share what has been going on.  I've been trying to think of how to put things into words and every time I sit down to my laptop to type it all up, my words fall short and I'm left in the silent processing of what it is that God is doing in my life.   I already know my words are going to fall short, but I need to try anyways, so bear with me.

Lent - it ended Thursday.  I successfully made it 40 days mostly without caffeine.  I will confess I ordered a whiskey and coke when I went out to have a drink with a friend forgetting that coke has caffeine.   I didn't sleep much that night, my heart was racing and I was physically shaking from the caffeine....and I only had one!  I also messed up on the fast food thing a few times without even thinking about it.  What I realized from all of this?  How much more I want God's thoughts to be forefront in my mind.  I was more than once casual and forgetful about what I was doing, not thinking, not caring, not even remembering.   It humbled me to realize how careless my thoughts can be - not that it was some sin to have caffeine or fast food (it wasn't) but that I could forgot so easily that I had agreed to not partake in something as a reminder of Christ's great sacrifice for me.   

I'm also re-realizing the power of prayer.   I've been meeting every Monday with a wonderful lady that is helping me work through some of my issues.  To say that my faith has been increased over the last 2 months would be a total injustice to what it is that I am learning.  We've tackled different issues and topics nearly every week and in one way or another things have moved and shifted in my life like I have never seen.  I'm struggling to put into words what God has worked in and out and around me.   It's reconnecting with my first love, finally being able to rest in His peace, knowing that His heart is for me, knowing that my doubt, my anger towards Him, my rebellion, my great sin? It is no more and it is forgiven.  It's finally being able to raise my hands in worship of my Savior again after struggling with even looking at Him for nearly a year.   

That last one?  How do I put into words the relief and joy I feel at finally being able to say and believe that He is good and in turn raise my hands and worship Him.  

In some areas I feel healed and in others I'm finally seeing the hope of being healable. 

The labels I've put on myself don't carry the bondage that they used to anymore.  The wounds are becoming scars.   I'm standing up for myself in areas that I've never had the courage to stand up in before.   

I'm breaking free. 

There is so much more I could write.  But my words fall short and I'm about to go back to my silent internalization of the things God is working in and around me.   

Happy Easter!

Working out the self-control thing.

Self-control, it seems to be something that God is wanting to give me more and more of these days, and that's a good thing.  I'm trying to receive it, I am.  But it's hard.

The past few weeks I've been really focused on training my youngest in the subject.  We've had more than a few public meltdowns on his part. One involved me throwing him under one arm as my last resort (kicking and screaming, naturally) and dragging a stroller over 100 yards to my car, surrounded by dozens of people, staring of course (like their toddlers never did this? Righhhhhhtttttt) as I tried to get him to practice some self control and quit throwing a fit in public.   

We had a talk, some discipline was given and things moved on.   

Last night we went to the park and when it was time to leave he defiantly crossed his arm and said. "No.  Not leaving this park."  (and really I couldn't blame him with what a beautiful night it was).  So I went over and picked him up, told him to change his attitude or there would be consequences and loaded him in the car.   He started crying, and I gave him the look.  Moments later I heard him trying to control the sobs.  Deep breaths were taken.  Sobs got a little quieter.  Finally he said "I changed my attitude mom.  I'm sorry." (followed by a quiet little sob).  As soon as we got home I sat on the couch with him and he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried a few more tears about the disappointment of having to leave the park.   And then it was done. 

I realized at that point that we had had our first breakthrough in the toddler self-control department.  He's getting it, he's figuring out that even when he's heartbroken or hurt about something, he's allowed to be emotional, but he still has to be obedient and tantrums are not allowed.  Self control.  It's a beautiful thing.  

It's something I'm trying to remember myself too.  Self control as an adult has a whole different look.  It's the not looking at what you shouldn't, not saying things you shouldn't say, steering clear of the things that cause harm, not gossiping, controlling the tongue, not letting emotional impulses run your life.  Oh....and not eating that entire pack of Oreos that's hiding in the kitchen right now.  Ugh. 

God's been working it in me a lot lately.  I still have a lot of weak areas that I want Him to help me get stronger in.   But I'm making progress and feeling stronger in that area, and I like it.