I kinda feel like a knife has been jabbed in me and twisted several times. I've had to take a lot of deep breaths and try my hardest to keep my temper under control. It hasn't been easy and a few angry words have escaped my mouth.
God's perception of me is what matters. And I'm trying so hard to remember that. I should know that one by heart given the nonsense I've gone through in the past 4 years.
Yes. I do sometimes overhear the things people say about me behind my back. There are a lot of people that support my children and I, an overwhelming amount of people actually, but there are those few that like to say crappy things about me and the choice I made to believe my kids and stick up for them. Thick skin is a given. I would rather have people throw dirt at me all day long and know that my kids are safe than the alternative - living with a sick secret for the sake of appearances. I am not the woman that makes her life choices based on what looks good.
After 4 years it's become almost easy to let that stuff roll off my back. It's pretty black and white to me, I made the right choice and I've never doubted my decision.
But this week was different. This week it wasn't so black and white. Getting hurt was a given. Doubting my choices (not in regards to my kids of course, other stuff) and wondering if I really am doing okay in this life.
In the end of it all I'm left with the realization that I have no control over how other's view me or feel about me. I just don't. I can say a million and one words, show love and kindness in every way I know how and be the nicest and sweetest person possible (or even be a total jerk), but I simply can't control another person's view of me or feelings towards me.
Which is where I am left tonight. Pulling out the knife. Asking God to heal the wound. Forgiving.
Knowing that people pleasing is no way to live life. Knowing that there is simply no way to please everyone anyways. Knowing that I can stand my ground and still be loving. Knowing that a person's perception of me, real or imagined, isn't God's perception of me.
Reminding myself once again that it is only His view of me that is eternal and it is only Him that I serve.
Thanks for sharing so honestly. There's a lot of wisdom here - while we all kind of know this, it can be so important to be reminded that it's true that we will get hurt, and that we'll sometimes wonder if things are okay, and that in the midst of that we don't have control over how other people see things - and that we don't have to try to control their perspective. We can just be. I'm so inspired by your choice to believe your kids and stand up for them. It's the only choice that makes sense, and is so important for them to know the value of their voices and the truth of their reality as well as the support and trust and justice and love that the adults around them can provide. And choosing to live with integrity and not for how other people see you can be hard to do in practice, but is so freeing and ends up as an example to the rest of us who are also trying to live that way.
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