My unbelief.

I'm going to write a vulnerable post.

Well truly, eveything I write has a hint  vulnerability in it.  But this one is going to be especially raw and open.  

Going through what I've been going through spiritually, emotionally and with the court system has been hard, that is no secret.  But this last few weeks have been a struggle that I haven't experienced since I was in the initial stages of separation with my ex.

My last post talked about my faith in God, how I trusted Him to protect us, and even if the worst happened, I knew it was all going to be okay because He was in control.  At the time I wrote that (and other posts like it) that was how I truly felt. But going on through my week, dealing with attorneys and court stuff and therapist's and this whole giant nightmare? It shook me. 

I had a conversation with a friend this week and I was really honest with him.  (Tyler is probably going to hate that I talked about him on my blog again).

My confessions to him looked like this:

I'm going to feel really let down by God if He allows my ex back into my kids life.  I know I say I won't, but deep down inside me? I think I will. God has done so much to protect us for the past 4 years, and I am afraid that my faith is going to be shaken if "the worst" happens.  I'm afraid that I'm going to feel like God is punishing me for my mistakes.  

Ugh.  I hate that that was even in me.

"God is not a vending machine Jess."

Ouch.  He had a lot of truth to say, but that sentence is what stuck.

I know this to be true.  Sometimes God says yes, sometimes it's no, sometimes we wait, and sometimes he has another plan.   I speak my faith out, I believe He will continue to protect us, and try my hardest to stand strong in that. But what if His plans are incredibly different then mine? Will I still trust Him?

Sometimes my doubt overwhelms me and I find myself pleading for God to help me with my unbelief.  

Tonight, in compliance to a court order, I had to write down things about my kids - what they enjoy, what their personalities are like, their favorite things etc. 

I read what I had written down to my kids to make sure they were okay with everything.  

My daughter almost started crying.  

"Is dad going to read this?"

"Yes"

"Can you please take out this and this?"

She pointed to parts that described her friendships and extracurricular activities.  "I don't want him knowing any of those things about me."

She was shaking.  

I was shaking by the time I finished erasing what I had wrote. 

The fear is still there and I can do nothing to fix this for her.  I beg and plead God to move and end this for us, to not allow my children to be forced into something they are terrified of.  But I'm truly in a place where I have done everything I can and the rest is fully in God's hands.  It's both freeing and terrifying at the same time.  

I trust Him, and then I don't, and then I do.   

Please help my unbelief God. Please help me trust. 

Not by my own strength....

This week we had court again and things didn't exactly go like I had hoped. They didn't go terrible, but they didn't go great.

Essentially I get to continue on in this state of limbo.  I get to keep fighting, keep hoping, and keep advocating for my kids with everything in me.

I was hoping for closure.  I'd love to close this door to my past and my ex.  But God must have more to teach me in the current and exhausting state that I am.

I don't know what the future holds.  Then again, no one does.

I do know this:  I will do EVERYTHING I legally can to protect my kids.

I've spent more time on the phone with therapists and attorneys this week then anything else.  I haven't received my legal statement yet for the month, but I know it's coming and it's not going to be pretty.

And at this point, despite the chaos and the money troubles, all I can do is stop and thank God.

Whatever happens, good or bad, God has given me over 4 years to recover and help my children recover.  We are different people, stronger people then we were in 2010.    My older two both have thriving relationships with God.  I find my oldest boy frequently on his knees in his room with his little devotional bible and Olivia?  She is hungry and poetic and her soul is just beautiful.

I have to trust that even if my worst nightmare comes true that their faith is going to stand.  Because in the grand scheme of things, that is what matters.  I've surrendered my kids to God.  I know how desperately and madly I want to protect them, and I know that God wants that even more so then I do.

Even though I have no idea what the next few months look like, I trust God.  He has complete control and even in the worst of situations he can still make beautiful things happen.

Hitting a wall

Do you ever feel like you just hit a wall spiritually?

I do and it's where I'm at at this moment.

Most of this spring I felt like my walk with God was reviving and growing by leaps and bounds.  Granted, I had some steps backwards and made mistakes. And some pretty big ones at that.   But I kept pushing forward and trying and I could see the progress.  My attitude was better, my emotions were together, I was staying away from guys altogether and I just felt spiritually healthy.

But somewhere this summer I hit a wall. At first I thought that maybe it was because I tried to date again and that distracted me from God.  But that's not it.   Because I'm back to not dating and I'm still feeling like I hit a wall.

I'm really busy right now, the kinda busy that I think other single moms would get. Busy days, lonely evenings. 

Quiet time, focusing on on God? It's hard to find that place. I keep trying and I fall asleep when I try. That's embarrassing to admit.  But that is what has happened the last few times. Granted, it has a lot more to do with having to be up between 3:30 and 5 am most days than my attention span.

It's frustrating when you know Gods voice and no matter what you do you can't seem to hear Him in your life.  I'm at that spot again where I'm asking Him where He is and why I can't feel Him and I'm greeted with silence.  

I know this isn't forever.  I've been in this spot before. But I'd like it to be over.

I'd like that joy and excitement to be back.  

I know that sometimes continuing to go through the motions and just asking God to reveal Himself to you in new ways will do it. 

And maybe it would. 

But I'm writing it out and posting it this time. I know a lot of people pray for me and my little family.  We're really blessed in that area.  So if you think of us, and me, right now, I'd love to break through this spot I've been in and be able to feel again.  

I'm numb at the moment.  And maybe that IS God's grace for me because of what is going on. Maybe He knows that if I felt everything in life that I should be feeling or normally would be feeling that I would collapse.  I don't know the answer, but I'm going to keep trying to figure it out.  

The Edge of Hope

I've been incredibly indecisive the last little bit in a lot of aspects of my life.

I thought and prayed about it for awhile and realized it's simple - I'm afraid.  

Last year my inability to stand up for myself and make a choice I knew was right got me hurt horribly.  I didn't stand up because I was afraid.  

And I'm still that same girl.  

I can make excuses.  Truly I can.  Someone that has loved as deeply and wholely I have knows what I stand to lose by jumping in.  

Into what? 

Into any life altering choice.

Dating. Singleness.  Moving.  Not moving.  Change.  Of any kind.  It all terrifies me.

Where I'm at, my little home, my three kids, and a job I love? I don't want to mess it up.  And so jumping into anything at all, knowing whatever jump I make could affect in a good or bad way every other aspect of my life? I'm terrified. 

So I stand at the edge of the cliff, watching.  Watching others take leaps of faith on my right and left. Some fall, some fly.  I sit and just watch.  I wait, hoping that somehow someway I'll just "know" when I can leap.  And I wait, and wait, and wait.  

Someday I hope I can push the memories of my last fall out of my mind.  Someday the excitement and hope of flying will outweigh the fear of falling.   

But someday is not today.

Today I'm sitting at the edge.  Just waiting.  Just hoping my heart can heal a little more.  Just trying to stay soft, and kind, and gentle.  Trying to not let the past heartbreaks harden my heart.  

I know God is sitting with me. Ever so patient.  Ever so loving.  And He gives me hope. Hope that flying isn't as far off in my future as I might think.  

I only cried a lot today.

Today I took my oldest to summer camp.   I only cried a lot.   He didn't at all.

I stuck around for awhile after most the other mom's left, not because I'm that mom....oh wait, yeah, I am that mom.    And yeah, I may have totally helped him carry stuff to his cabin, and I may have hung out and taken a bunch of photos, and yeah I may have totally asked one of his counselors to switch beds so that Casey and his friend Chase could be on the same bunk.  Yeah. I'm THAT mom.

I'm really glad he gets to have this experience with his friends.  

I'm really glad he has such good friends. 

Then I came home and had to find photos from when we stayed at this same campground 7 years ago as a family.  

I was helping out with a youth camp.  Chases parents were the youth pastors at our church at the time. 

Casey was 3, Chase was 2.  

(All the other photos I have of the two of them, either one of them is crying or one is running away from the camera....toddlers, what can you do!?)

I started crying looking through the photos. (It's been an emotional day, for real!) My kids were so little and so innocent. I was so naive and innocent. And for a moment I found myself feeling kinda sad at all that my kids and I had stolen from us in the ways of innocence.  

But then I thought about this amazing thing that happened at camp 7 years ago. 

My little family was prophesied over.  I don't remember much of it, but I do remember the one thing that stuck out in my mind. 

The prophecy at one point was specifically over my ex and it was about how the generational curses in his family ended at him and wouldn't be passed on to our kids.  

I didn't know what that meant at the time.  I can't blog about what all that means to me now.  I'd probably get sued over it or something really. 

I think about that prophecy now and I am in awe at who God is and what He does.  He knew even than that my world would be ripped apart but that it would be unto something better.  And not just that, He was going to rescue us from something even more horrible.  There would be pain in the process, but that in that process and in that loss and in that pain? He would be there.  

And today? Seeing my boy, in that same campground, with that light in his eyes, his hunger for Jesus and so much joy on his face?  I know that every bit of that word given over my little family 7 years ago was true and I am so grateful, so humbled, and so very loved by my Savior.  

Feeling Full

This week has been so full and in a good way.  We went to several BBQs over the holiday weekend and I haven't enjoyed myself that much in awhile.  Getting to spend 3 full days with my kids was awesome, plus I got to connect with a lot of my friends (we enjoyed the Shelton/Sanden/Pickett clan at my parents house all day on Sunday).  I loved that I got to reconnect to my heart-sisters. Having not been at the same church for the last few months, I have to say, it felt wonderful.

I haven't posted much over the last two months, I've written a lot, but published very little. 

So much of what I write comes from feelings and emotions and it is such a vulnerable feeling to put all that out there, especially since it's not always pretty and happy.  

The last couple months have been about finding consistency, developing better habits, and focusing more on God and less on myself.   It's been good.  I've been finding Him in the quiet places, in the rest time, and in those "alone" moments.  It's really been beautiful, but not every moment has been full of joy.

I'm excited for the summer and whatever it may hold.  It's already been a lot better than last summer in so many ways and it's only July.  :-)

Free

How do I even put into words the beautiful range of emotions that went through me?

I worked 12 hours today.  I was going into a football league shoot when I spoke with my attorney on the phone.  We were discussing a few issues with my divorce case (namely back support and my ex joining my gym....what the heck?!?) when she slipped in "oh, by the way, I checked and your divorce was entered yesterday. Congratulations, you're not married to that creep anymore."  

I didn't even really know what to say other than "thank you....THANK YOU!!!!!!!"  

I was kinda useless the whole evening.  I couldn't process the joy, relief and wide range of happy, hopeful and just plain crazy ecstasy that I was feeling.  

I'm still trying to process through this.

Years of knowing that the person who harmed my children in the worst possible way was my husband? Those years are over.  

I'm free!

Yes, there are still problems.  There's back support, there's him attempting to get supervised visitation, there's the fact that my kids and I still have nightmares, I still hate certain types of physical affection, and I still have occasional panic attacks when something triggers traumatic memories.... And yes, we will probably always have scars from the damage done to us.  But they are scars now, not raw wounds that ache and hurt every day. 

I was given full custody with my ex having no visitation almost 4 years ago.

2 years ago family court made the recommendation that I permanently have full custody with his rights being indefinitely terminated.

Since then there have been legal fights with his family trying to get some sort of supervised (by a psychologist) visitation, but at this time, there is still no contact.  I believe that the God that has protected us for the last 4 years will continue to do so.  

My kids and I are free to move forward, not that we hadn't, but now I truly have nothing legally holding me back.

My future is looking bright and beautiful, and I can't wait to see what God does.

What a roller coaster this has been and I'm so glad this chapter is finally closed.