The Edge of Hope

I've been incredibly indecisive the last little bit in a lot of aspects of my life.

I thought and prayed about it for awhile and realized it's simple - I'm afraid.  

Last year my inability to stand up for myself and make a choice I knew was right got me hurt horribly.  I didn't stand up because I was afraid.  

And I'm still that same girl.  

I can make excuses.  Truly I can.  Someone that has loved as deeply and wholely I have knows what I stand to lose by jumping in.  

Into what? 

Into any life altering choice.

Dating. Singleness.  Moving.  Not moving.  Change.  Of any kind.  It all terrifies me.

Where I'm at, my little home, my three kids, and a job I love? I don't want to mess it up.  And so jumping into anything at all, knowing whatever jump I make could affect in a good or bad way every other aspect of my life? I'm terrified. 

So I stand at the edge of the cliff, watching.  Watching others take leaps of faith on my right and left. Some fall, some fly.  I sit and just watch.  I wait, hoping that somehow someway I'll just "know" when I can leap.  And I wait, and wait, and wait.  

Someday I hope I can push the memories of my last fall out of my mind.  Someday the excitement and hope of flying will outweigh the fear of falling.   

But someday is not today.

Today I'm sitting at the edge.  Just waiting.  Just hoping my heart can heal a little more.  Just trying to stay soft, and kind, and gentle.  Trying to not let the past heartbreaks harden my heart.  

I know God is sitting with me. Ever so patient.  Ever so loving.  And He gives me hope. Hope that flying isn't as far off in my future as I might think.  

I only cried a lot today.

Today I took my oldest to summer camp.   I only cried a lot.   He didn't at all.

I stuck around for awhile after most the other mom's left, not because I'm that mom....oh wait, yeah, I am that mom.    And yeah, I may have totally helped him carry stuff to his cabin, and I may have hung out and taken a bunch of photos, and yeah I may have totally asked one of his counselors to switch beds so that Casey and his friend Chase could be on the same bunk.  Yeah. I'm THAT mom.

I'm really glad he gets to have this experience with his friends.  

I'm really glad he has such good friends. 

Then I came home and had to find photos from when we stayed at this same campground 7 years ago as a family.  

I was helping out with a youth camp.  Chases parents were the youth pastors at our church at the time. 

Casey was 3, Chase was 2.  

(All the other photos I have of the two of them, either one of them is crying or one is running away from the camera....toddlers, what can you do!?)

I started crying looking through the photos. (It's been an emotional day, for real!) My kids were so little and so innocent. I was so naive and innocent. And for a moment I found myself feeling kinda sad at all that my kids and I had stolen from us in the ways of innocence.  

But then I thought about this amazing thing that happened at camp 7 years ago. 

My little family was prophesied over.  I don't remember much of it, but I do remember the one thing that stuck out in my mind. 

The prophecy at one point was specifically over my ex and it was about how the generational curses in his family ended at him and wouldn't be passed on to our kids.  

I didn't know what that meant at the time.  I can't blog about what all that means to me now.  I'd probably get sued over it or something really. 

I think about that prophecy now and I am in awe at who God is and what He does.  He knew even than that my world would be ripped apart but that it would be unto something better.  And not just that, He was going to rescue us from something even more horrible.  There would be pain in the process, but that in that process and in that loss and in that pain? He would be there.  

And today? Seeing my boy, in that same campground, with that light in his eyes, his hunger for Jesus and so much joy on his face?  I know that every bit of that word given over my little family 7 years ago was true and I am so grateful, so humbled, and so very loved by my Savior.  

Feeling Full

This week has been so full and in a good way.  We went to several BBQs over the holiday weekend and I haven't enjoyed myself that much in awhile.  Getting to spend 3 full days with my kids was awesome, plus I got to connect with a lot of my friends (we enjoyed the Shelton/Sanden/Pickett clan at my parents house all day on Sunday).  I loved that I got to reconnect to my heart-sisters. Having not been at the same church for the last few months, I have to say, it felt wonderful.

I haven't posted much over the last two months, I've written a lot, but published very little. 

So much of what I write comes from feelings and emotions and it is such a vulnerable feeling to put all that out there, especially since it's not always pretty and happy.  

The last couple months have been about finding consistency, developing better habits, and focusing more on God and less on myself.   It's been good.  I've been finding Him in the quiet places, in the rest time, and in those "alone" moments.  It's really been beautiful, but not every moment has been full of joy.

I'm excited for the summer and whatever it may hold.  It's already been a lot better than last summer in so many ways and it's only July.  :-)

Free

How do I even put into words the beautiful range of emotions that went through me?

I worked 12 hours today.  I was going into a football league shoot when I spoke with my attorney on the phone.  We were discussing a few issues with my divorce case (namely back support and my ex joining my gym....what the heck?!?) when she slipped in "oh, by the way, I checked and your divorce was entered yesterday. Congratulations, you're not married to that creep anymore."  

I didn't even really know what to say other than "thank you....THANK YOU!!!!!!!"  

I was kinda useless the whole evening.  I couldn't process the joy, relief and wide range of happy, hopeful and just plain crazy ecstasy that I was feeling.  

I'm still trying to process through this.

Years of knowing that the person who harmed my children in the worst possible way was my husband? Those years are over.  

I'm free!

Yes, there are still problems.  There's back support, there's him attempting to get supervised visitation, there's the fact that my kids and I still have nightmares, I still hate certain types of physical affection, and I still have occasional panic attacks when something triggers traumatic memories.... And yes, we will probably always have scars from the damage done to us.  But they are scars now, not raw wounds that ache and hurt every day. 

I was given full custody with my ex having no visitation almost 4 years ago.

2 years ago family court made the recommendation that I permanently have full custody with his rights being indefinitely terminated.

Since then there have been legal fights with his family trying to get some sort of supervised (by a psychologist) visitation, but at this time, there is still no contact.  I believe that the God that has protected us for the last 4 years will continue to do so.  

My kids and I are free to move forward, not that we hadn't, but now I truly have nothing legally holding me back.

My future is looking bright and beautiful, and I can't wait to see what God does.

What a roller coaster this has been and I'm so glad this chapter is finally closed.

A Decade.

A decade of motherhood.   It's hard to believe that my baby is that old.  It's harder to believe that I'm old enough to have a kid that old.

My son has been through a lot with me.  When I try and list it all out it doesn't sound that crazy. But trust me when I say it; it's been crazy. A marriage.  2 more additions to the family.  A divorce.  6 moves. 2 schools.

Sounds like your average American kids life right there.

But this life for him was never my hope.  

My plan was to give stability.  To give him a family that had roots and loved God.  I wanted to be that mom that had dinner on the table every night (cooked from scratch of course!), never missed a little league game, and spent her days playing at the park with him and evenings reading books to him.  

Life didn't work out that way for us though.

My dreams for him have a new look these days. And I'm totally okay with that.

When I look at him now?  I know I've done something right.  Or maybe I just did a lot of something's wrong and somehow ended up with an amazing kid.  I'm not sure.  But somehow I have this kid that is wise beyond his years, ridiculously kind-hearted, loves his siblings to pieces, and can cook up some amazing French toast.    

This boy saved my life.  And that is no exaggeration.

Becoming a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm grateful for every day of it.

(Standard hospital issued newborn photo. So much sweetness in such an awkward little baby photo booth.)

His first birthday.  (Yes....photo of a photo...I know.)

Age 5

Age 7

From his last birthday. 

And this week I solemnly swear - I will go take his 10-year old portraits.

I could spend hours just posting photos of this kid.  But I promised myself I would only do a few and focus on the writing.  Photos are always easier than words for me.

Casey: This day 10 years ago? Life-changing, beautiful, amazing, incredibly-ridiculously-horribly painful, and absolutely perfect in every way.  I'm so glad God picked me to be your mom.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for making me proud. Thank you for being so selfless, so kind, and for cuddling with your little brother every night without fail.  You bless me daily.  I love you buddy. -Mom. 

Thought's from this week

This is another one of those posts where I just ramble about what's in my head for the week.

I've been thinking a lot on single-parenting and my future.  Am I going to be a single parent forever or do I want to go back down the dating route? I've been paused on the dating thing for a bit.   My heart needed more healing and my understanding of Gods character needed (still needs) more depth. And the straw that broke the camels back was me getting hurt, yet again, yet another guy. 

A pause needed to happen.  

I need wisdom.  When someone tells me to steer clear of someone, I want to listen. Maybe, just maybe, I can start to avoid the heartache that comes from me thinking that I know better and ignoring the advice of those that love me.  And I'm tired of getting preyed on.

Back to my point:

I look at my life, and other than my ex giving me grief through the court system and the dramatics and stress related to that, my life is really good. 

I love my little duplex tucked away in the woods and my landlords have been beyond wonderful to me.  This place is tiny for my family of four, but it forces me to declutter often and I like that.  I feel safe here.  Between my dog (he's more of an alarm than a vicious attack dog) and my landlords living upstairs, I feel safe for the first time since my ex and I split.  Restraining orders are only pieces of paper right? But here? I feel safe. And it's good.   

Financially things are okay too. (I know talking about money is kinda odd, but I'm gonna do it).

A few years back I took the Dave Ramsey class.  And while I haven't been perfect at implementing what I learned, it has helped me pull myself together and get on my feet. Having an emergency fund, savings, a budget and living kinda below my means so that I can actually LIVE, is nice.  

All that to say.  Life is good. 

So do I really need a guy in my life?

Sometimes I'm lonely.  Those moments after the kids go to bed and I'm left with myself and Netflix? It can get a little old (well....orange is the new black season 2 is now out so this week I'm more excited than lonely).  But the reality is sometimes I do crave it.  And then I think through my past relationships and go "nah....not for me."  

But then again, I have to hope that maybe perhaps I've just picked poorly in the past and my ideas of what I want need to change. 

Time will tell....

Stopping the Echoes

A friend mentioned to me recently the concept of spiritual "echoes." It was a concept I knew of but hadn't heard put that way before. As I watched and took note, I saw this echo concept unfold right in front of me. When you decide to clean up shop spiritually, it seems that whatever sin you are trying to get out of your life will leave, but later will try and echo back into your life. It's familiar, it's easy, and when your guard is down BAM! You're right back in it. Echoes are a problem for me. As I've already discussed in previous posts, it's the "two steps forward, one step back" thing that kills me. I'd like to be further away from my issues than what I really am. For almost all of the last year I'd been trying to take steps away from a sin-issue in my life, but it kept echoing and echoing and echoing. The good part was that each time I took a step away the echoes seemed to get slower and slower, until they almost completely stopped. The bad part was that those echoes shredded my heart when they did come. This week I think the last echo "echoed." I've wanted to say that for a long time, but have never been able to. I'm not PMS'ing, but I think I spent more time crying this week than I have since last summer. But it was a good kind cry. Tears of closure, healing and grief over my own sin. I ran into my friend Carlianne this week at a coffee shop. It happened that we both had some time to visit, and I ended up baring my soul, sharing my heartache and ultimately crying in public. I shared my ongoing struggle and how I haven't been able to get out. Until this week. We talked for almost two hours and when it was all said and done, I felt such freedom and relief and no judgement at all. She encouraged me to go find a quiet place to talk to God about it all and clear my head. I did just that. I felt cobwebs lift from my brain and things came into focus, things that should have been in focus all along. It hurts to have the door closed, but the hurt comes from my own mistake, particularly the mistake of not closing all the doors so there could be no echoes ages ago. Also this grief that I'm feeling over my own sin? My friend Linda pointed out to me that it's a good thing because it means that I am becoming more sensitive to God's voice in my life. There is no condemnation in it, just a strong conviction and the knowledge that the warning's He gave me last year were there for my own heart's sake. He will definitely be there next time around to guide me and protect me. Next time I hope that I listen better. I'm so thankful that God loves me in a way that far exceeds any human kind love.

(Just a random photo of my baby and his dog.....so much love right here.)