A Perfectly Practical Post | Monthly Cooking

I went back to work this week after having two weeks off and my mind has been completely occupied with work stuff.  My thoughts right now are more practical and not so deep, sometimes life is just like that.

The time off was nice and I took advantage of it.  I didn't really rest other than on Christmas and the few days surrounding it. Instead I spent a lot of time deep-cleaning my house and getting rid of unnecessary clutter in order to TRY and make it a little easier for me to keep up on housework.   Try being key.

The other thing I managed to accomplish was to cook another month's worth of meals.  I've talked about this monthly cooking thing before on facebook, but I thought it would be fun to share how it all works as this is truly a lifesaver for me as a single parent.  It's practical and simple and I love it.

A little over a year ago I clicked into a pin on pinterest and ended up at http://onceamonthmeals.com/.  I was looking for meal planning ideas and had stumbled upon the mother lode.  At the time I was overwhelmed with the whole cooking thing.  Seriously.  It's hard enough to get it all done when you don't have a full-time job.   I do have a full time job and three kids and no husband.  When I found this site my freezer was completely full of frozen pizzas, lasagnas, chicken nuggets and taquitos.  It wasn't healthy.

You know there is something wrong when your kids complain about having to eat pizza again.

Anyways....this website is pure genius.  The gal that makes it puts out 6 monthly meal plans - traditional, whole foods, dairy/gluten free, diet, vegetarian, and paleo, plus a baby food menu and a mini menu.  Each of the meal plans come with a shopping list, prep list, recipes, labels, thaw sheet and cooking day instructions.

The real genius of the site is that 1. Those menus are adjustable for your family size.  In other words, the quantities on your shopping list, prep instructions and recipes can all be adjusted by typing in just one number.   2.  Items on the menu are "swappable."  Very cool if you're picky or don't eat certain things.

The meal plans consist of 8 dinner, 4 lunch and 3 breakfast recipes that you end up eating twice in a month.  I know that doesn't add up to a full month of meals (which would be about 90 meals if you're counting breakfast, lunch, and dinner).  But wait for it...
We still eat out sometimes or go to friends homes for dinners.  Most people do.  My kids have school lunches, and sometimes even breakfast if needed, which makes it so less is consumed, and the portions in the recipes are for grown-ups.  In my case, I am the only grown up, but I still make the recipes for 4 people, so the meals multiply for me.  We end up getting about 75 sit-down meals out of each month of meals I cook up and that is completely worth it for me.  "Monthly" meals turn into "Bi-monthly" meals as the meals typically last us 6-8 weeks.

When I first found the site I showed it to my mom and asked her if she would help me do it.  My mom is the cooking master of the world.  She lives in her kitchen I swear.  She agreed, and so I set out to do just that.

I haven't looked back since then, like I said, it's a lifesaver.

Here's how it all goes down:

I pick out a menu.  I try to stick with the one for that month as the recipes for the months are made to be seasonal - usually the produce/products used in the recipes are the ones that will seasonally be the most affordable.  (ie.  you'll find strawberries in June, pumpkin in October, cranberries in November and so on).

I make adjustments to it if needed.  My family generally doesn't eat pork so I will swap out the pork recipes for something with chicken or beef (I was raised on a mostly organic, pork-free, very granola, and never-drink-diet-pop lifestyle).  I still generally eat how my parents raised me to eat.

 Except for bacon.  We love bacon. 

Once I've made my adjustments I print out all of my stuff and then I take the time to read through my recipes and my shopping list.  I've messed up more than one recipe by skipping this step, so I just don't skip it now.  

My mom watches my kids so I can go shopping which is very nice of her.  It's either nice or she secretly knows that I might have a mental breakdown if I tried to attempt a 2 hour shopping expedition in WinCo with 3 kids and a 4 page shopping list and she is trying to save herself from having to raise my three kids while I live out my life in a mental hospital.   

Without using coupons the shopping runs me anywhere from $180-240. (Maybe someday I'll get more coupon-y?)  This number includes the purchase of the containers used for storing the food.  Typically these are the disposable 8x8 foil pans and gallon or quart freezer bags.  Sometimes I also buy things from Fred Meyer's as WinCo's produce and herb offerings aren't always the best. 

The website recommends that you do the prep work before hand.  This is really helpful when you go to do the big day of cooking.   This last time my mom and I didn't have the time to do the prep work and ended up spending a large amount of time washing and re-washing the prep dishes, knives, and choppers. I was really sick of chopping onions by the end of the day. If you do this meal thing don't skip the prep work. (By prep I'm referring to chopping up your veggies, mincing the garlic, cooking up the meat that needs pre-cooked and so on.)

On the big cooking day my mom and I attack the recipes.  The meal plan includes cooking day instructions that make the day very manageable.  It works out so that you can be working on one recipe while another recipe is baking and so on.  With two people it goes pretty fast.  

We do thrash the kitchen though.

(bad phone photo)

It ends up being a good time for my mom and I to visit.  I enjoy cooking, but it's not my passion, so it helps me to have someone that loves to cook (like my mom) which makes the whole thing a lot more enjoyable (and easier) for me.  

When it's all said and done I end up with a freezer full of food.  Well actually, my mom does, as I don't have a chest freezer and my mom has a small arsenal of freezers in various sizes, so I store most the food at her house and just fill up my tiny freezer as needed.  

Here's a photo of this last set of food:

All the dinners are stacked at least two high. What you're seeing here is 15 different meals at least twice.  A few of the recipes made 3 or 4 meals.  I recommend buying a few extra containers as we almost always end up with a little extra of something.

We made:

Cranberry Orange Pancakes

Homemade Poptarts

Jam Filled Biscuits

BBQ Chicken and Pineapple Quesadillas 

Cheeseburger Tarts

Chicken Pot Pie Soup

Spicy Peach Chicken Sliders

Tomato Basil Paninis

Basil Chicken with White Cannellini Beans

Burito Caserole

Carolyn's Chili

Cheesy Chicken Bacon Broccoli and Rice

Chicken Alfredo Casserole with Buttermilk Biscuits

Chicken and Broccoli Bake

Slow-Cooker Sesame Chicken

As you can see....lots of chicken and broccoli.  The meal plans all have more variety, I just changed mine to eliminate pork (except for the lonely bacon exception) and include healthy things I knew my kids wouldn't turn up their noses at.  Chicken and broccoli happen to be two things my kids all like. 

In regards to picky eaters and such, I'm lucky in that my kids aren't that picky.  They are the type of kids I can take out for Thai food or Indian food and they think it's an adventure, so this works out well for them.   Casey accidentally ordered a salmon sushi wrap the other day and loved it until I told him what it was.  It made me laugh.  

The recipes have generally been approved by my kids.  There are of course big hits and some duds, but not everyone's taste preferences are the same.  My sisters have loved a few of the recipes that my kids weren't crazy about, and not loved some of our favorites.  So again, it's all personal preference.  

The recipes are made to be warmed up easily.  Most go in the oven for 15-30 minutes depending on the recipe.  Some are simply microwaved for a few minutes.  A few are slow-cooker meals and need an afternoon in a crock pot.  I save those meals for the days that I'm working a split shift and know that I'll have a few hours to run home in the afternoon and throw something in the pot.   I usually add an appropriate side or two.  I buy frozen and canned veggies and fruit when I catch them on sale, and we also like to hit up the bread store and keep breads in the freezer.  We're definitely not a 1-course meal sort of family.  

I know this is a crazy long and practical thing to share.  But things like this are the things that make it so that I can maximize all the time I have with my kids in the evenings and not have to worry about prepping and cleaning up meals.  It's practical, yes, but its long term real-life value is there in the form of giving me more time to give to my kids.   Feel free to message me or comment with questions.  

Oh....and yes, I do pay for the membership.  It's money well spent. 

You're enough Momma.

Today I was feeling completely inadequate.  It was a rough day for me.  I dropped my kids off at church with my mom and didn't go. Instead I went to WinCo and stomped around with the Beastie Boys blaring in my headphones and a glare on my face.  My attitude was stupid.  I carried it around with me for most of the day. Then tonight God decided to get a hold of me through my two year old.

I was trying to get him to put his pajamas on and he didn't want them on.  A battle of wills commenced and he proceeded to show me with all his two year old maturity how much he didn't want his pajamas on.  I was getting frustrated and impatient as I tried to wiggle his squirming little body into the clothes.  That's when I stopped and said a quick prayer "God, please give Tristen and I both peace right now."  Within seconds he stopped squirming and fighting me and rested his head on my shoulder with his arms wrapped around my neck. I held him like that for awhile... it was perfect and peaceful, just like we needed in that moment.

When I went to set him down a few minutes later he stopped me "Mom.....I just want to be with you."  I carried him on my hip around the house for a few minutes and we talked about things that moms and toddlers talk about, then he stopped. The words that came out of his mouth next surprised me and came out of nowhere "Momma.....dose other guys....dey have daddies."  I paused.  Not sure what to say. The nagging fear I'd had of my baby realizing our family is different from his friends' families hit me in the face. My ex-husband has been out of my life since I was 6 weeks pregnant with my baby.  My baby has never met his dad, and truthfully, his dad never really comes up as his parental rights are non-existent right now.  I struggled for the right words and just lamely said "Those guys? What guys?"  "My friends....they all have daddies and mommies, but I just have a mommy."  My heart stopped for a moment.  My baby has recognized the difference and tears welled up in my eyes as my inadequacy as a parent mocked me in my face.  I didn't know what to say. I just stood and held my little boy and tried to think of how to make this okay....was it time for me to explain that he does have a dad?  How do you explain that to a two-year old?  Instead I just said "Are you okay with that?"  I regretted it as soon as I said it.  What if he's not okay with it? What do I say then?   And then my baby looked at me with both his arms around my neck and spoke words I couldn't have imagined possibly coming out of my two year old's mouth - "Yeah. You're enough Momma."

How did he know that that was exactly what I needed to hear?  I almost never feel like I am "enough" for my kids. Sometimes, even though I know the failure of my marriage wasn't something I could have stopped, I still feel like I failed by not giving my kids someone worthy of being their father.  Truthfully....my baby is two and as intelligent as he is I don't think he could possibly know what "enough" meant to me.  My mind is still blown.  That God knew what I needed to hear and somehow used my little 2 year old precious wild-child of a baby to speak that love into my heart?  How can I put into words the love I feel right now for Him, and for him...that little round eyed boy full of love?  I am undeserving of such things.  Yet somehow God picked me.

Dead batteries and the Max

Today my kids and I went to Ikea because I "needed" some things.  (As much as one can ever need curtains and picture frames I suppose).  My Jeep has been dying a lot lately - sometimes I leave the lights on and it kills the battery and sometimes one of my interior lights flickers on (it has a short in it or something) and it kills the battery.  There was a time in my life where I probably could have fixed it.....I once changed a CV shaft in a car.  Alone. By myself.  When I was just 17.  AND IT WORKED.   But that was over a decade ago and these days I'm really proud of myself when I remember to take the Jeep to Jiffy Lube.   Anyways.....today an interior light flickered on while I was shopping in Ikea and wouldn't you know I came out to a very dead battery.   Being that this happens quite frequently to me (I was just seen bumming a jump off a lady in the WinCo parking lot on Monday.  True story.)  I now carry jumper cables with me.  Always. But today I realized I was parked in an impossible place to bum a jump off anyone.  Ikea has these big medians between some of their parking spaces, so no one in front of me could reach my battery, and I was left with just the two cars next to me to hopefully bum from.  But people at Ikea sometimes take hours.  And as I sat there with three kids including my nap-less two year old, I realized I did not want to wait.

I figured it was time to get one of those jumper box things for my car.

So I googled auto parts stores and realized the nearest one was just under 4 miles away.

There was NO way I could walk that with a 3 kids and no stroller.

Then I looked to my left and saw the Max station, sighed, knew what I had to do, and did it.

I confess that I have never taken first-world public transport as an adult.  (Third world public transport, yes, but that's another story that involves motorcycles and vans with far to many passengers).

I was a little scared.  My phone was down to 25% battery and that was what I was using to figure out the max schedule.  Once it died I knew I would be toast.

We hopped on the first train and rode up two stops.  My kids made friends with a sweet lady that sat across from us.  We stopped at the next station and waited for our next train.  My toddler tried to run in the path of the oncoming trains only twice.  I had a mild panic moment and then held on to his wriggling little fat fingers with a death grip and ignored his complaints until we could get on to our second train.  The second train was crowded.  No seats at all, so we had to stand.  Naturally the leather loops that were made for adults to hold onto turned into monkey bars for my two year old that insisted he needed to swing like George of the Jungle from loop to loop while he explained to me how silly monkeys were and how much he loved them.  Meanwhile a British lady told me I should get him a leash and then proceeded to tell me how "all the European women use leashes on their kids and think nothing of it."   I agreed with her.  My kid needs a leash.

We get out at our last stop (Burnside and 122nd) and start to walk towards the auto parts store which is almost a half mile from the max station.  I had nearly 5 mild panic attacks during the course of our walk there and back being that we were by two incredibly busy and fast moving roads.  My baby REALLY didn't want to hold my hand, though I made him anyways.   I purchased the very heavy jumper box and we start our journey back.  (Thank you Oregon, by the way, for no longer allowing stores to use plastic bags.   That was really fun carrying a giant battery on one hip and a toddler and purse on the other.  A bag with handles would have been real nice!) Somehow we get stuck at not one, but two intersections with a very large man on his cell phone who dropped lots of bad words and kept complaining about not having his diabetes medications.  I wish my kids hadn't heard the f word so much today.  Sigh.

We make it back to the max and I hop on a train.....only it's the wrong train and I realize we're heading towards Southeast and that is not where I want to go.  So we jump off.  Wait for the next train.  Hope that it's the right one because I can't figure it out on my phone which is now down to 10% and we head towards (what I hope) is the right area.

Turns out it was and we only have to make one more transfer before we head back to Cascade Station.
I buy each of the kids a pop because "I'm dying of thirst mom....dying!" and then I took this:

So we board our last train and my baby has had it.  He flops and screams and cries for the entire ride.   A two year old without a nap is not a pretty thing to see.   We get out at the station and once we stopped he was all good,  so we start to head back to the car.   I looked over and saw this to my right so I snapped a pic with my phone as my son tells me that it looks like heaven is shining through the clouds......

(yes its a iphone sunset pic....like I'm really gonna carry my slr on the max?!?)

As I'm putting my phone away the baby melts on to the sidewalk....done.with.life.  He flops and screams and cries because some of his pop spilled and his pop won't fit in his sweatshirt pocket like Bubba's and he doesn't want to hold my hand and he doesn't want to walk.   I pick up his little screaming, kicking, hitting, sobbing body and carry him the rest of the way to the jeep, load up the kids, strap him in his car seat and shut the door on the fits.  I stood in front of my popped jeep hood for a few minutes and breathed deeply.   Sigh.  The jeep started right up for us and we were on our way home. 

To be truthful.  If I had found myself in this situation 4 years ago.....I don't even know.  It would have been a lot more pathetic than it was today.   Somehow, someway, with God's strength, I'm figuring out how to survive this big world without anyone but God and my 3 babies walking with me.   No, I didn't pick this, but I'm grateful for whatever God is trying to teach me here, even if it sucks, and even if it means I have to take the Max.  

Direction.

So I made a resolution this year to start blogging again.  

In 2007 I started a photography blog that kinda took off - at it's peak it was getting over a 1000 hits a day but then I abandoned it. Sometime last year I got burnt out and stopped blogging on my business blog.  I realized that 1. I wasn't enjoying it anymore.  2.  It was difficult to be "real" on a business blog. 3.  I was scared to give the Safeway checker my debit card with my name on it for fear she would recognize my name and then notice my screaming kid and think "gee.....some photographer lady she is...what a fake." (strangely this situation has happened, minus my projected thoughts). 4. I wanted to blog about other things besides photography but knew that my business blog and my public persona was not the platform to be doing so. 5.  I got cyber-stalked one to many times. Truly creepy things happened to me. 

So I stopped putting blogs out there.  

Since then I've kept a private blog and I've kept it that way because every time I come up with a direction for it I change my mind.  I know that I'm not here to be a spiritual teacher.  If anything I'd be sharing more of my epic mind-numbing mistakes.  I don't want to really talk much about photography, I'll keep that for the business blog if I ever pick it back up.   I don't want to just post a bunch of things about recipes or fitness or philosophies on motherhood (though that may come up).   So much of my blogging and deeper thoughts come out of deep emotions or painful experiences and I've been scared of putting too much of myself out there for fear of what people might think.  Or even worse, that one of the thoughts or beliefs I have might be wrong.  Obviously I need to get over it.  

Truthfully the only thing I know much about, other than photography, is being a single parent.  Life as a single parent....I can blog about that and blog about it good. (well....probably not good, but you never know!)  

So I finally have a direction now and hope to post more on it in this coming year.  I'm going to import some of my past posts from my private blog that have to do with single parenting so I can actually start out with content on my blog (in other words, I may not post again soon, and I want my 1 or 2 readers to actually have something to look at).

Here goes......

(an overly flattering selfie I took.....all this means is that I have no good photos for this post)

Fear-based living

I have two particular friends in my life that I can always trust to tell me the truth even when it sucks to hear. They are both the kinda friends that will let me ramble, talk in circles and contradict myself over and over as I try and make sense of my life and my choices. And then they tell me honestly what they think of whatever it is I’ve gone on a rant over. I’ve been doing it a lot lately with one of these friends. I was discussing a particular situation where I had gotten hurt by someone, but instead of just walking away I kept going back for more and as a result I got hurt more.

"Jess….You’re like one of those girls that cuts themselves."

I totally flared up and got angry when he said that, but after a few minutes of thinking on it I realized that he was right.

It really sucked to hear but it made so much sense.

There is something broken in me that has a really hard time receiving love. I want it, but I’m so uncomfortable with it that when the opportunity arises for me to have a chance at it I turn it away. But someone hurting me? It feels so normal and comfortable that that is where I stay. It’s self-defeating and a hopeless cycle to get out of on my own.

A counselor I saw once said the same thing about me - She’s perfectly sane but has to be hurting to feel normal.

I don’t think that having to be hurt sounds sane.

I’ve been in one and only one emotionally safe romantic relationship in my life and a huge part of why that relationship didn’t make it was my inability to receive love from someone.

So here I sit in this broken state. Knowing that I can’t fix this. This cycle of self-loathing is cut into my heart and soul and the only one that can fix it is God. Which brings me back to one of my previous posts where I talked about my struggle with trusting God. Letting go, releasing control and believing that God truly loves me and wants what is best for me. It’s hard to do. When I’m able to walk in the belief that He gives good gifts, that He wants good things for me, that He loves me infinitely more than I love my babies, then and only then do I find peace. It’s letting go that is the hardest for me. Fear paralyzes me far to often.

(here's me not being fearful and jumping off something high because every post needs a photo)

When putting my youngest to bed tonight I heard him softly say “Mom…..I scared.” I went and sat by him and he looked up at me and said “say for God has not?” “For God has not given Tristen a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind” came out of my mouth. It’s a scripture all my kids know by heart. A scripture I can remember my dad teaching me one night after I ran screaming out of my room from a nightmare. A scripture that reminds me that the fear that I’m feeling is not from God. God has given me a sound mind, he has given me the strength I need and he has given me an infinite supply of love. When I spoke those words over Tristen I could see him visibly relax into his blankets. It was instant peace for his little heart. I don’t think he even fully comprehends those words, but he knows that when we say them it brings peace.

That’s where I need to be. My fear issues are causing me to emotionally slit my wrists and it’s not a pretty sight. I want that peace that surpasses all understanding. I want the ability to love people without fear.  But it takes a letting go, a release, relinquishing control.  It takes me being silent and letting God do what He wills.  It’s really hard for me to do it but I want it.  

Fits

Last week my oldest boy had his first basketball practice.  When I dropped him off, my youngest wanted to stay and watch, but I had errands to run and things to do, so I loaded us back in the car and tried to leave. 

T had a total meltdown.  I mean the kicking, screaming, shoe-throwing, face-smacking, red-faced, I hate everything kinda meltdown.  I was already driving down the hill (he was buckled in the car seat behind me) and just figured I’d keep driving to the store and hopefully he’d calm down by the time we got there.  30 minutes later and there was no sign of him slowing down.  He was still kicking, smacking his own face, and screaming “I WANT MY BUBBYYYYYY!!!!! ” (his name for Casey),  Honestly this was probably the worst fit I’d experienced with him to-date.  During the whole drive I kept trying to reason with him “It’s ok bud,  I love you, don’t be mad.”  And nothing.  He kept screaming.  I was getting pissed.

I’ll be honest, I momentarily contemplated pulling the rig over and giving him a swat on the behind.  But I didn’t, not that it would be wrong to do so, but there was something in me that said wait.  

So I pulled into the Wendy’s parking lot.  Took a deep breath.  Turned around and unbuckled T and pulled him into my lap.  His sobs stopped and he melted into my arms.  He laid on my chest and just shook and shook for a good five minutes.  I rubbed his back and told him I loved him, we’d see Bubby in a little bit, and it was ok.   Out of nowhere he sat up and smiled at me and said “Can I have chicken nuggets?”  

We went through the drive through and started back towards Bubby. (My errands had to wait) and then T started talking to me and my heart melted.

"Momma…..I was really sad.  You left Bubby! I was sad, but you touched me."

"I touched you?"

"Yeah….you hold me.  I’m not sad now"

His attitude the rest of the night was complete peace….silly, but peaceful.  

I was really convicted though, because my behavior, the patience, the slow hug and cuddles, the comforting words, that’s not always my behavior.  More often than not I’m short, impatient and tell my kids to be quiet, knock it off, quit being upset.  I’ve responded in anger instead of love more than I want to admit.  And I know I’ve missed out on many precious moments with my kids because of my own hurried behavior.  

It was humbling to me to realize that all my little guy needed was a hug from mom to still his worried little heart.  That sometimes two-year-old’s lack the self control and reason to handle something as emotionally traumatizing as leaving big-brother at a super awesome basketball practice, no big deal to me, but the end of the world to him.  

I hope I can slow down just a little, and hug a little more. 

Trust and temptation

I’ve had 3 months of insanity.  Fall is like this for me.  But it’s slowing down like a treadmill at the end of a jog.  (Or like me in the last mile of my run. Ha).  Speaking of.  At the beginning of school crew season (the busiest season of the year for my work) I bet that I would gain 10 lbs by November due to the 12 hour days, company meals, and no gym/run/workout time.   Given how many Olive Garden breadsticks I knew I was going to consume BECAUSE I COULD, I just knew the weight gain was gonna happen.

(source)

I weighed myself this week and I have good news.  I did not gain 10 lbs. I in fact only gained 8.  And lost all definition in my arms, abs, legs, butt….etc.  Basically I have no tone anymore.  Sigh. 

I ran this week and hit the gym twice so far (since signing up for a free trial yesterday…ha).  

Just that little bit already has me feeling better.  Of course I don’t look any different.  But my endorphin’s are going and I’m extra cheerful today.  

But enough on me working out. 

My spiritual health has me a little more concerned right now.  

I’m not really sure where to start on this one.   You know how sometimes you make seemingly small bad choices that lead to bigger and bigger bad choices and then you’re just sitting there going “what on earth did I just do?”  Yeah.  That’s me right now.  

There’s a part of me that is just been flat out disillusioned.   I momentarily lost sight of where God was in my life.  He was still there.  I just didn’t know where.  I still loved him and he loved me.  I just didn’t really talk to Him much.  I definitely didn’t feel his presence. In fact, all I felt was really alone.  

About a month ago we had a speaker at our church named Jay.  He prophecies sometimes over people.  He has over me probably 4 or 5 times in my life, and he’s always been right.  Or really I should say….God, through him, is always right.   At the end of Sunday morning service he gave me a word again and it hit home (as always). It was kinda long so I won’t go into it all. What I will say is that he talked to me about trusting God “You trust Him….but you don’t….but you do”  was what he said.  He challenged me to truly trust Him.  To believe that what He says is true.  To quit relying on myself.  

That truly has been my issue.  I trust…but I don’t.  

It’s caused me to make some bad choices.  To allow myself to be in situations I shouldn’t have been in.  To do things I shouldn’t have done. All because trusting my own judgement was easier than trusting God’s.  And ultimately my heart got hurt really bad.  In all honesty, I would say broken again.  Not by someone else, but by my own dumb choices.  I’ve been in a cycle of resolve, temptation, sin, repent, resolve.  Trying to do it in my own strength but not strong enough, yet not willing to hand it to God. 

I guess I’ve hit the point of realizing that sometimes life really is too big for me.  Sometimes I DON’T have the strength to resist temptation. I do need God here with me in order to say “no” when stupidity arises.  Trusting in Him instead of my own emotions, hormones and foolish judgement is not easy for me.  I struggle with idea that God truly does want what is best for me.  I know it may seem dumb to some of you, but I do struggle with that.  

I’m not gonna be perfect.  But I’ve made the commitment (with some accountability) to seek God more, and hopefully gain some strength in resisting temptation.   So that’s where I’m at right now.  I realize this is somewhat of a depressing post.  But I needed to share it, get it off my chest and move forward.  

Here’s to trusting God and a brighter future.  :-)