I’ve had 3 months of insanity. Fall is like this for me. But it’s slowing down like a treadmill at the end of a jog. (Or like me in the last mile of my run. Ha). Speaking of. At the beginning of school crew season (the busiest season of the year for my work) I bet that I would gain 10 lbs by November due to the 12 hour days, company meals, and no gym/run/workout time. Given how many Olive Garden breadsticks I knew I was going to consume BECAUSE I COULD, I just knew the weight gain was gonna happen.
I weighed myself this week and I have good news. I did not gain 10 lbs. I in fact only gained 8. And lost all definition in my arms, abs, legs, butt….etc. Basically I have no tone anymore. Sigh.
I ran this week and hit the gym twice so far (since signing up for a free trial yesterday…ha).
Just that little bit already has me feeling better. Of course I don’t look any different. But my endorphin’s are going and I’m extra cheerful today.
But enough on me working out.
My spiritual health has me a little more concerned right now.
I’m not really sure where to start on this one. You know how sometimes you make seemingly small bad choices that lead to bigger and bigger bad choices and then you’re just sitting there going “what on earth did I just do?” Yeah. That’s me right now.
There’s a part of me that is just been flat out disillusioned. I momentarily lost sight of where God was in my life. He was still there. I just didn’t know where. I still loved him and he loved me. I just didn’t really talk to Him much. I definitely didn’t feel his presence. In fact, all I felt was really alone.
About a month ago we had a speaker at our church named Jay. He prophecies sometimes over people. He has over me probably 4 or 5 times in my life, and he’s always been right. Or really I should say….God, through him, is always right. At the end of Sunday morning service he gave me a word again and it hit home (as always). It was kinda long so I won’t go into it all. What I will say is that he talked to me about trusting God “You trust Him….but you don’t….but you do” was what he said. He challenged me to truly trust Him. To believe that what He says is true. To quit relying on myself.
That truly has been my issue. I trust…but I don’t.
It’s caused me to make some bad choices. To allow myself to be in situations I shouldn’t have been in. To do things I shouldn’t have done. All because trusting my own judgement was easier than trusting God’s. And ultimately my heart got hurt really bad. In all honesty, I would say broken again. Not by someone else, but by my own dumb choices. I’ve been in a cycle of resolve, temptation, sin, repent, resolve. Trying to do it in my own strength but not strong enough, yet not willing to hand it to God.
I guess I’ve hit the point of realizing that sometimes life really is too big for me. Sometimes I DON’T have the strength to resist temptation. I do need God here with me in order to say “no” when stupidity arises. Trusting in Him instead of my own emotions, hormones and foolish judgement is not easy for me. I struggle with idea that God truly does want what is best for me. I know it may seem dumb to some of you, but I do struggle with that.
I’m not gonna be perfect. But I’ve made the commitment (with some accountability) to seek God more, and hopefully gain some strength in resisting temptation. So that’s where I’m at right now. I realize this is somewhat of a depressing post. But I needed to share it, get it off my chest and move forward.
Here’s to trusting God and a brighter future. :-)
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