Stopping the Echoes

A friend mentioned to me recently the concept of spiritual "echoes." It was a concept I knew of but hadn't heard put that way before. As I watched and took note, I saw this echo concept unfold right in front of me. When you decide to clean up shop spiritually, it seems that whatever sin you are trying to get out of your life will leave, but later will try and echo back into your life. It's familiar, it's easy, and when your guard is down BAM! You're right back in it. Echoes are a problem for me. As I've already discussed in previous posts, it's the "two steps forward, one step back" thing that kills me. I'd like to be further away from my issues than what I really am. For almost all of the last year I'd been trying to take steps away from a sin-issue in my life, but it kept echoing and echoing and echoing. The good part was that each time I took a step away the echoes seemed to get slower and slower, until they almost completely stopped. The bad part was that those echoes shredded my heart when they did come. This week I think the last echo "echoed." I've wanted to say that for a long time, but have never been able to. I'm not PMS'ing, but I think I spent more time crying this week than I have since last summer. But it was a good kind cry. Tears of closure, healing and grief over my own sin. I ran into my friend Carlianne this week at a coffee shop. It happened that we both had some time to visit, and I ended up baring my soul, sharing my heartache and ultimately crying in public. I shared my ongoing struggle and how I haven't been able to get out. Until this week. We talked for almost two hours and when it was all said and done, I felt such freedom and relief and no judgement at all. She encouraged me to go find a quiet place to talk to God about it all and clear my head. I did just that. I felt cobwebs lift from my brain and things came into focus, things that should have been in focus all along. It hurts to have the door closed, but the hurt comes from my own mistake, particularly the mistake of not closing all the doors so there could be no echoes ages ago. Also this grief that I'm feeling over my own sin? My friend Linda pointed out to me that it's a good thing because it means that I am becoming more sensitive to God's voice in my life. There is no condemnation in it, just a strong conviction and the knowledge that the warning's He gave me last year were there for my own heart's sake. He will definitely be there next time around to guide me and protect me. Next time I hope that I listen better. I'm so thankful that God loves me in a way that far exceeds any human kind love.

(Just a random photo of my baby and his dog.....so much love right here.)

  

Last nights show.

In my last post I said I don't get out much, but somehow I ended up out twice in one week.  Not sure how that happened, but it did.  My next night out isn't scheduled until October, so I'm gonna have to live on these good memories for awhile.

My buddy Chase and I went to see Cage the Elephant and Foals in Portland last night.  Chase and I have been friends for years.....all the way back since we were co-workers at the Rose Tree in 2004.   We pulled our share of restaurant pranks for sure.  He introduced me to Fight Club, which is one of my all time favorite movies to this day, and he told me he was gonna be a rock star.  I didn't see the man for quite a few years because of just that....he went on tour - Warped tour, SXSW and whole bunch of others I'm not cool enough to know of while I was doing the married/wife/kids things.
Long story short, we started talking again sometime last year and despite the fact that we live completely different lifestyles (he's a cool musician person and I'm a single mom with 3 kids) we somehow end up hanging out every few months or so and we always have a great drama-free time.

Last night we went and saw 2 bands I love.  Sold out show at the Crystal Ballroom.  While I haven't been to a whole heap of venues, Crystal is my current favorite.  We did the concert thing, waited in line FOREVER.  Stood on the muggy 100 degrees floor FOREVER. And waited and waited and waited for the show.  Both of us were soaked in sweat by the time it started and then it was crazy.

 I ended up in the pit at the front more than once, my feet and legs are beat to heck, and I helped a girl hold up her drunk best friend so she could clap to her favorite song.  Poor thing.

A couple video clips, but first, I don't even try to edit video so don't ask.  Not my medium.  Second.  Horizontal videos are not an option when you're being shoved around like that.  Sorry for vertical videos.

Lead singer for Foals. When it goes black that's definitely his butt floating over me.


(Yes I know, you can't even tell what was happening.  No one could.)


A slower one - my favorite song from Foals "Late Night"



 Then Cage the Elephant.  My sad attempt at holding the camera over my head while trying to not get knocked down.  I fall over at the end.

I stayed up there for awhile but was getting creeped on in the worst way by some old guy. (I know I'm in a pit and everyone touches everyone, but one can only handle so much dry-humping and inappropriate touching from a stranger during the slow moments) I was also covered head to toe in other peoples sweat, so I backed up on the craziness halfway through CTE set and sweet talked a bouncer into not one, but two bottles of water.  It had to be 110 degrees or more with 100% humidity up there.  Everyone was soaked all the way through.  AMAZING.





 I have a dozen more clips, most of them end with me getting plowed, but I'm not gonna try and edit them and make them all cool looking and I broke the holy rule of videography anyway and shot vertical on most of them. I'm gonna just stop.

My voice is gone, the adrenaline rush was INSANE.  I LOVE live music.  Seriously, amazing. 

We left, blasted some Wilco with the windows down and called it a night.

Good times.  Drama free times.  I could do with less drama in my life for real. Despite being soaked in other peoples sweat I felt refreshed.  Thanks Chase and the Dragon.

2 steps forward 1 step back

Doing the ash kicker was the most fun I've had in a long time.

We camped out the night before and stayed up way too late having girly conversations.

We kicked ash!

I am sore today.  Like I can barely move.  But I checked our stats a bit ago and found out I got second place for my age category.  I couldn't believe it.  

I'm so grateful for my friends.  I have a lot of good ones in my life and life would not be the same without them.  

But I took a step backwards this weekend and I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Last year was a rough one for me.  I made some bad choices involving men, alcohol and life and I determined this year was not going to be like last year.  

But I drank on an empty stomach post race yesterday.  I know better.  In fact I had planned on not drinking anything at all.  But the adrenaline rush and free beer were there and I tossed my resolution aside and threw back a not-so-cold one and some fireball.  

I was having a great time for most of the day.  Then somewhere post bacon-cheeseburger it turned on me.

I made an bit of an idiot out of myself.  I definitely puked on my friends tent.  

Thankfully I had a friend there that threw me over his shoulder, got me to a less public place of being sick, helped me get the vomit out of my hair and gave me some stomach calming sprite and saltines.  

I slept it off and amazingly woke up not hungover or sick, just a little bit of a growly stomach, no appetite, and a lot of embarassment.  

 I'm not made for the single party life at all.   I don't want to be a part of that type of lifestyle either.  It made me sad looking at my behavior.

I don't have an addictive relationship to alcohol.  But I do have a problem with feeling like I gotta go big or go home.

I don't get out much as a single mom with 3 kids.   I have full custody of my kids - my ex lost all visitation rights almost 4 years ago so I don't have the every other weekend thing that most divorcees seem to have.  I don't resent it at all, in fact I'm beyond grateful for it.  But the fact is, I don't get out much and when I do I tend to feel like I owe it to myself to live it up a bit. Which is why throwing back some beer and fireball sounded so great.   

I was never a big drinker.   I drank a few times when I was 18 and quickly realized party life wasn't my kinda life.   Then I married a person "in recovery" and so I supported his sobriety by not drinking.  From age 18 to 25 I only drank alcohol once.   Since then though I've had a love/hate relationship with alcohol.   Dealing with PTSD like I do can be a lot easier with a drink.   But the truth is this: there is not a single good thing that has ever come from me having alcohol.  Not that bad things come from it every time I drink, they don't, but on those occasional kid-free weekends where I feel the urge to live it up? There's a good chance I'll end up being an idiot. 

For the last few months my relationship with God had actually been more on track than it has been in a long time. I felt like I was taking good steps forward. Then I drank this weekend and felt like I lost all progress I had made over the last few months.

The communion message was given this morning as I sat there condemning myself for my mistakes.   He talked about Gods grace and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

This morning when I first woke up the condemning thoughts that attacked me were hellish at best.  "I'm a failure." "Why do I even try." "I'm never going to be okay." "Your kids deserve a better mom."

I needed to pull myself out of condemnation and discouragement.  

The message of Gods grace and love were so real to me today.   I needed to hear it.  I also needed hugs from my kids, and I got lots of those.   Olivia even gave me a much-needed back rub before going to bed tonight. 

Being really honest with myself here: I think alcohol and I need to break up.  If I could think of a benefit to drinking maybe I wouldn't say this, but I really can't think of one.  

 I'm not good at this single life thing.  I know getting myself out there is how I'm supposed to meet people and possibly end up in a relationship, but I'm not good at this.  I was made for relationship.  And while I am content where God has me right now, I'm realizing it's time for me to move forward and get out of this place I've been in for so long.  

Also.  This song.  I heard it for the first time a few weeks back and it totally moved me to tears.  Remembering that's Gods grace never runs dry? I have no words.  

http://youtu.be/qXqvJb_IGak

So I'm gonna pick myself up.  Focus on the amazing time I had this weekend before I had anything to drink.  Learn from my mistakes.  Cut the booze.  And keep on moving forward.