Fear-based living

I have two particular friends in my life that I can always trust to tell me the truth even when it sucks to hear. They are both the kinda friends that will let me ramble, talk in circles and contradict myself over and over as I try and make sense of my life and my choices. And then they tell me honestly what they think of whatever it is I’ve gone on a rant over. I’ve been doing it a lot lately with one of these friends. I was discussing a particular situation where I had gotten hurt by someone, but instead of just walking away I kept going back for more and as a result I got hurt more.

"Jess….You’re like one of those girls that cuts themselves."

I totally flared up and got angry when he said that, but after a few minutes of thinking on it I realized that he was right.

It really sucked to hear but it made so much sense.

There is something broken in me that has a really hard time receiving love. I want it, but I’m so uncomfortable with it that when the opportunity arises for me to have a chance at it I turn it away. But someone hurting me? It feels so normal and comfortable that that is where I stay. It’s self-defeating and a hopeless cycle to get out of on my own.

A counselor I saw once said the same thing about me - She’s perfectly sane but has to be hurting to feel normal.

I don’t think that having to be hurt sounds sane.

I’ve been in one and only one emotionally safe romantic relationship in my life and a huge part of why that relationship didn’t make it was my inability to receive love from someone.

So here I sit in this broken state. Knowing that I can’t fix this. This cycle of self-loathing is cut into my heart and soul and the only one that can fix it is God. Which brings me back to one of my previous posts where I talked about my struggle with trusting God. Letting go, releasing control and believing that God truly loves me and wants what is best for me. It’s hard to do. When I’m able to walk in the belief that He gives good gifts, that He wants good things for me, that He loves me infinitely more than I love my babies, then and only then do I find peace. It’s letting go that is the hardest for me. Fear paralyzes me far to often.

(here's me not being fearful and jumping off something high because every post needs a photo)

When putting my youngest to bed tonight I heard him softly say “Mom…..I scared.” I went and sat by him and he looked up at me and said “say for God has not?” “For God has not given Tristen a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind” came out of my mouth. It’s a scripture all my kids know by heart. A scripture I can remember my dad teaching me one night after I ran screaming out of my room from a nightmare. A scripture that reminds me that the fear that I’m feeling is not from God. God has given me a sound mind, he has given me the strength I need and he has given me an infinite supply of love. When I spoke those words over Tristen I could see him visibly relax into his blankets. It was instant peace for his little heart. I don’t think he even fully comprehends those words, but he knows that when we say them it brings peace.

That’s where I need to be. My fear issues are causing me to emotionally slit my wrists and it’s not a pretty sight. I want that peace that surpasses all understanding. I want the ability to love people without fear.  But it takes a letting go, a release, relinquishing control.  It takes me being silent and letting God do what He wills.  It’s really hard for me to do it but I want it.  

Fits

Last week my oldest boy had his first basketball practice.  When I dropped him off, my youngest wanted to stay and watch, but I had errands to run and things to do, so I loaded us back in the car and tried to leave. 

T had a total meltdown.  I mean the kicking, screaming, shoe-throwing, face-smacking, red-faced, I hate everything kinda meltdown.  I was already driving down the hill (he was buckled in the car seat behind me) and just figured I’d keep driving to the store and hopefully he’d calm down by the time we got there.  30 minutes later and there was no sign of him slowing down.  He was still kicking, smacking his own face, and screaming “I WANT MY BUBBYYYYYY!!!!! ” (his name for Casey),  Honestly this was probably the worst fit I’d experienced with him to-date.  During the whole drive I kept trying to reason with him “It’s ok bud,  I love you, don’t be mad.”  And nothing.  He kept screaming.  I was getting pissed.

I’ll be honest, I momentarily contemplated pulling the rig over and giving him a swat on the behind.  But I didn’t, not that it would be wrong to do so, but there was something in me that said wait.  

So I pulled into the Wendy’s parking lot.  Took a deep breath.  Turned around and unbuckled T and pulled him into my lap.  His sobs stopped and he melted into my arms.  He laid on my chest and just shook and shook for a good five minutes.  I rubbed his back and told him I loved him, we’d see Bubby in a little bit, and it was ok.   Out of nowhere he sat up and smiled at me and said “Can I have chicken nuggets?”  

We went through the drive through and started back towards Bubby. (My errands had to wait) and then T started talking to me and my heart melted.

"Momma…..I was really sad.  You left Bubby! I was sad, but you touched me."

"I touched you?"

"Yeah….you hold me.  I’m not sad now"

His attitude the rest of the night was complete peace….silly, but peaceful.  

I was really convicted though, because my behavior, the patience, the slow hug and cuddles, the comforting words, that’s not always my behavior.  More often than not I’m short, impatient and tell my kids to be quiet, knock it off, quit being upset.  I’ve responded in anger instead of love more than I want to admit.  And I know I’ve missed out on many precious moments with my kids because of my own hurried behavior.  

It was humbling to me to realize that all my little guy needed was a hug from mom to still his worried little heart.  That sometimes two-year-old’s lack the self control and reason to handle something as emotionally traumatizing as leaving big-brother at a super awesome basketball practice, no big deal to me, but the end of the world to him.  

I hope I can slow down just a little, and hug a little more. 

Trust and temptation

I’ve had 3 months of insanity.  Fall is like this for me.  But it’s slowing down like a treadmill at the end of a jog.  (Or like me in the last mile of my run. Ha).  Speaking of.  At the beginning of school crew season (the busiest season of the year for my work) I bet that I would gain 10 lbs by November due to the 12 hour days, company meals, and no gym/run/workout time.   Given how many Olive Garden breadsticks I knew I was going to consume BECAUSE I COULD, I just knew the weight gain was gonna happen.

(source)

I weighed myself this week and I have good news.  I did not gain 10 lbs. I in fact only gained 8.  And lost all definition in my arms, abs, legs, butt….etc.  Basically I have no tone anymore.  Sigh. 

I ran this week and hit the gym twice so far (since signing up for a free trial yesterday…ha).  

Just that little bit already has me feeling better.  Of course I don’t look any different.  But my endorphin’s are going and I’m extra cheerful today.  

But enough on me working out. 

My spiritual health has me a little more concerned right now.  

I’m not really sure where to start on this one.   You know how sometimes you make seemingly small bad choices that lead to bigger and bigger bad choices and then you’re just sitting there going “what on earth did I just do?”  Yeah.  That’s me right now.  

There’s a part of me that is just been flat out disillusioned.   I momentarily lost sight of where God was in my life.  He was still there.  I just didn’t know where.  I still loved him and he loved me.  I just didn’t really talk to Him much.  I definitely didn’t feel his presence. In fact, all I felt was really alone.  

About a month ago we had a speaker at our church named Jay.  He prophecies sometimes over people.  He has over me probably 4 or 5 times in my life, and he’s always been right.  Or really I should say….God, through him, is always right.   At the end of Sunday morning service he gave me a word again and it hit home (as always). It was kinda long so I won’t go into it all. What I will say is that he talked to me about trusting God “You trust Him….but you don’t….but you do”  was what he said.  He challenged me to truly trust Him.  To believe that what He says is true.  To quit relying on myself.  

That truly has been my issue.  I trust…but I don’t.  

It’s caused me to make some bad choices.  To allow myself to be in situations I shouldn’t have been in.  To do things I shouldn’t have done. All because trusting my own judgement was easier than trusting God’s.  And ultimately my heart got hurt really bad.  In all honesty, I would say broken again.  Not by someone else, but by my own dumb choices.  I’ve been in a cycle of resolve, temptation, sin, repent, resolve.  Trying to do it in my own strength but not strong enough, yet not willing to hand it to God. 

I guess I’ve hit the point of realizing that sometimes life really is too big for me.  Sometimes I DON’T have the strength to resist temptation. I do need God here with me in order to say “no” when stupidity arises.  Trusting in Him instead of my own emotions, hormones and foolish judgement is not easy for me.  I struggle with idea that God truly does want what is best for me.  I know it may seem dumb to some of you, but I do struggle with that.  

I’m not gonna be perfect.  But I’ve made the commitment (with some accountability) to seek God more, and hopefully gain some strength in resisting temptation.   So that’s where I’m at right now.  I realize this is somewhat of a depressing post.  But I needed to share it, get it off my chest and move forward.  

Here’s to trusting God and a brighter future.  :-)

My status

I have to say, 3 years later and still single? I’m actually kinda proud of it. I know the typical thing to do after a long relationship implodes is to rebound into something new. And I didn’t. I stayed single for 2 years and have only had one (8 month long) relationship since my ex-husband and I split. Yeah,I spend a lot of evenings watching netflix, alone, with oreos. Or wine. But dude. There are some good shows on netflix, let me tell you.

In all seriousness though. I’m beginning to know what it feels like to be content in where one is at. Yeah, I definitely have lonely moments, but I also have really full moments, in fact my life is so full at times I feel it could burst.

When I look back and see where things have gone, how God has taken me through some really dark places and held me through it all I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude.

But back to my original subject. My relationship status. A few friends of mine here and there have taken to insisting I attempt to date and I am going to try. Try being key.

The problem with me dating is this: I really just want to be friends with someone, for a really long time, and then eventually fall in love. It may be fear-based - the ex-husband ripped my heart out and threw it in a wood-chipper and then ate the leftover pieces. So to be perfectly honest, the thought of “dating” someone in the traditional sense actually makes me nauseous. How can one possibly get to know someone in a real way if they are always trying to impress you and you never see the real person? I haven’t figured it out….hence my friendship theory.

Happy Birthday Bedtime

Tonight we celebrated my oldest boy’s 9th birthday.  It was a great party, with good friends, pizza, pinata, cupcakes and presents. 

All this week leading up to the party whenever it was mentioned, the baby would say to us “Not Bubba’s party (that’s what he calls Casey) MY party, MY birthday party, MINE!” (yes….he’s two obviously).  And we would laugh at him and tell him no, it’s Bubba’s party bud, not yours.  And then he would get so mad. Sometimes he even threw a fit, the really funny kinda fit where he smacks himself in the face and lays on the floor silently after he does it. I know I shouldn’t laugh, but it truly is hilarious to watch. 

I was a little worried he was going to be upset at the party because it wasn’t his party, but he did great.

And then tonight I put all the kids to bed, went and sat out in my living room and just listened.

"Happy birthday to you!  Happy birthday to You!  Happy birthday dear Bubba! Happy birthday to you!"

Tristen was singing the birthday song to Casey, it went on for several minutes and then silence.  Casey had fallen asleep to the sound of his baby brother singing to him and Tristen had sang himself to sleep.

These moments.  This life.  These beauty from ashes treasures that God has given me. My cup overflows..