Extreme Makeover "Friend" Edition.

Yesterday I made the journey home from Colorado.  I was dreading it, not because the reality of the job or real life, but because of the reality of having to deal with more court crap with my ex when I returned.  I was stressed, getting a migraine and overall just really irritable. 

I was in tears having to say goodbye to my family, yet again.  I just don't want to leave when I'm there.  It's peaceful and, like I've said before, I don't have to constantly look over my shoulder out of fear, I don't sleep with a weapon when I'm there and I actually feel safe.  

When I first left on my trip my mom said she was going to help me and clean out my kids closets and I was rather excited about this as it's one of those chores I've been dreading.  I never expected to come home to what I came home to.

My mom and a number of friends, knowing how much stress I've been under, knowing how hard the last decade has been for me, knowing that I struggle to stay afloat most days decided to blow my mind and make my arrival home something amazing.

When we pulled up to my house last night my mom had me wait in the car for 30 seconds and then walk in to the house.  

And I was blessed to the point of tears.

My whole entire house had been redone "home makeover" style by my mom and a group of my friends.

A new couch, a new "pantry" (hutch?), new entertainment center, new desk, new chairs, new rugs, new bedding for my bed, new shelves, new baskets for organizing, new throw pillows and even new towels.

My towels were so threadbare and old and just not comfy at all. (I may have let out a "it's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!!!!" When I got out of the shower this morning and used a new towel)

I cried a lot.

I have amazing friends that have stood by me for so many years and through so many things.  

They blessed my socks off in a huge and amazing way.

My house is ridiculously adorable now and so clean!!!!  The colors, the arrangements, and the feel of the house now? It's perfect.  It's like they all knew exactly what I would have wanted. And I mean exactly, there are several things that made it into the makeover that I had actually seen while out shopping and loved but never bought because money is tight when half your income goes to a lawyer. 

The new couch, coffee table, throw pillows, grey shelf, and one of the chairs.

New entertainment center and a different view of the living room.

My new pantry/hutch.

Previously this consisted of a small coffee table with cases of food piled on it. 

My new desk, curtains, chair, lights, and adorable little plant.

New bedding and curtains.

New shelves in my bathroom - both the white one and the basket one. 

New rug and and hand towel rack.

Toys neatly organized.

The entryway/living room. 

Cute little shelf in my entryway.

And lastly...my favorite little touch:

This week has been dark, but hope has definitely shined bright. 

Dear Mom, Barb, Kindra, Jordan,Tasha, Beth, Sharn, Sherrie, Car, Vola, Amy, Julie, Rachael, Rebekah, Sophia, Matt and Desiree.

Thank you for blessing me.  Thank you for giving me this joy. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for all your work.  Thank you for reminding me of how amazingly loved I am.  Thank you for making a dark day shine beautifully.  Thank you for reminding me of His hope. Thank you for being my friends for all these years.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  And I love each one of you so very much.

Jess

  

Here's to 30

Here's to 30.

I spent the night of my 30th birthday in a tent with my 3 kids.

My son Tristen (with an "e") had his feet dug into my ribs and his hand in my hair. It was beautiful and perfect. I'm blessed that I have these guys with me. Always.  I say it a lot. But I really mean it.  I could have had a party I guess, but camping with my kiddos seemed more like what we needed.  

What can I say about the 20's now that I'm officially in my 30's. 

I learned a lot.  I hope I don't make the same mistakes.  But I can say this, most of my mistakes and problems were just mistakes.  I have a few regrets, but not many, and I'm glad for that.  

I've learned a lot about friendship.  For the most part the friends I was friends with at the beginning of my 20's are still my friends in my 30's.  God has really blessed me with faithful friendships.
I've also had a few not so great friendships and I've learned to be more discerning in who I share my heart with.  I've learned (and in a sense am still learning) that the women that talk poorly about others to you will do the same about you when you're not there.  Obvious, yes. But still a hard lesson to learn.  Gossip kills and I'm trying my hardest to step away and not participate when it happens.  It's hard!  Really hard.  But it's a lesson I hope improves my character in the future.

I've learned a lot about love.  What it looks like and what it doesn't look like.  I'm still working on the whole "walking away" thing.  I tend to love people that self-destruct.  When my ex-husband and I split up I learned the meaning of co-dependency thanks to the domestic violence victim support groups I had to attend.  Don't mock. Those classes changed my life in a huge way.  I am a co-dependent.  I want to help people.  I want to heal people, I want to heal them so bad I will take a red-eye last minute to pick up their drunk and coked-out ass from a seedy hotel room and take them home and clean them up in the hopes that me and my undying love will be enough to heal them from their addictions and pain.

But I am not God and I have 3 kids.  I don't want those guys and their problems anywhere near us.  

The whole learning that I am not capable of changing a person or healing a person was a tough lesson.   I hope and pray that I never have to learn that lesson again.  I've dated a bit since my ex and I've had healthy and unhealthy relationships and can I just say that it is HARD to see through the stuff guys sling in the first few dates.  I'm having a heck of a time with dating in general.  I attract addicts even though the only thing I've ever been addicted to is coffee.  The co-dependency part of me is real and I'm hoping and praying that God heals that completely and soon.

I've also learned a lot about work/life balance.  In 2012 I walked away from being self-employed and into employment and I've never looked back.  Self-employment almost killed me.   I never slept and I was constantly in a state of stress and anxiety.  I loved my job, don't get me wrong, but being the sole provider for my family and not being able to see my financial future was terrifying.   God provided for me miraculously on many occasions, and when I reached my max I decided to work for someone else.  I'm so glad I did.  I love what I do.  I love having a predictable financial future.  I love that when I clock out I can go home and live and just BE with my kids.  I don't have to constantly respond to calls and texts and emails at all hours.   My kids get a less stressed out mom and I get enjoy my kids a lot more. 

Things I want to do different in my 30's?

I want to trust God fully.  There were times I did in my 20's and times I didn't.  God always came through but the doubt and anxiety were things I could have done without.  

I want to keep living fully.  I spent too much time allowing the boy I was with to define me....when I got out of that I was able to finally be myself and it's been fun.

Simple things like choosing to listen to kind of music I like have been huge. Being able to wear what I like.  Fix my hair how I want.  Wear or not wear makeup.  Gain and lose weight and not get ridiculed when it's more of a gain than a loss.  I've crowd-surfed, danced with strangers, kissed the boy I had a crush on, laid out under the stars until morning, floated down a river in the dark, gone on blind dates, punched a guy for groping me without my permission, bummed a piggyback ride off a stranger,  and learned how to two-step.  Sort of. Of course there's more to life than crazy adventures.

I want to keep teaching my kids that it's okay to make mistakes.  I beat myself up when I screw up, and it's hard to hide that sometimes.  I've been so proud of my kids when they come to me and tell me what they are struggling with and I don't want that to change just because they are about to become teenagers.  

Vacation and all that

We've been on vacation for a little over 2 weeks now.   We started out tent camping, then driving half way across the country (slowly I might add) and we've been in Colorado for a little over a week now.
It's been nice and I'm gonna admit that I don't want to come home.  I'm almost having a panic attack thinking about getting on the plane in a few weeks.

For the first time in 5 years I haven't been nervous when I've gone to the grocery store.  I haven't made sure to check the back seat of my car before getting in.  I haven't jumped every time the dog barks.  I haven't checked the door locks multiple times after crawling in bed.  I haven't slept with a weapon, not even once.

Don't get me wrong, I feel safe in my house in Washington.  But I'm not stupid.  I know I have to watch my back.  I have to be careful.

I feel good here. I feel safer here than I've felt in years.  My family here is wonderful.  There are so many of them, and staying here at my grandparents has been incredibly peaceful.  I don't want to leave.

My kids are bonding with all of their cousins here.  We have SOOOOOOOOOOO many cousins it's unreal.  My mom is 1 of 10 kids and all of her 9 siblings live in or near Greeley, plus their kids and a lot of the grand kids too.  Family dinner last week had to have close to 100 people at it.  Or it at least felt like it. :-)

I'm overwhelmed with support here.  Overwhelmed.  My family is pretty amazing.  My kids are loving this time with their cousins.  It's been a lot of sleepovers and swimming with more to come I'm sure.

I kinda like Greeley too.  3 city pools.  Sunshine.  And today at the pool the lifeguards were playing all my favorite bands. It was like they stole my playlists. I didn't hear even one T. Swift song all day. I know it's weird that that made me happy, but I'm gonna confess I spent an hour on my phone the other night just looking up Colorado concert venues and who would be playing here over the next couple months even though I won't be able to go to them.  I'm weird like that.

Coming home at the end of the month is going to be a little sad.

I think a vacation was way to long overdue for me.  My health desperately needed a vacation years ago.  I've slept far more than I normally do.  My body has been playing catch up.  My mind has been in kind of a shut down avoidance place.  I've been avoiding certain things that I know cause stress because I just can't deal with it anymore.  While I know that's not healthy long term, it's been really nice for me in this time of rest. 

I love it here and it's like God is breathing life into me to prepare me for the battle that is coming.  God will win this fight and we will be safe.  It's just a matter of time.  

Bullies

I woke up this morning to a cyber bully.

Someone had commented on a pretty mundane post of mine on Facebook (me asking for ideas about things to do in Yakima) with a stupidly hateful message that compared me with Hitler and Stalin. 

If it wasn't so hateful and hadn't encouraged me to shoot myself I might have laughed.  

But it was horrible, like a truly horrible and despicable thing to say.  Plus the utter stupidity of what he claimed was, well, crazy.  Anyone with half a brain would know that.  

I blocked, reported and then questioned a few mutual friends about the mans sanity.

Deep breaths.  He's just a guy with no discernment or filter.

So I calmed myself.  Got a workout in. Had coffee with a friend and our kids and a then later took the time to read through the dozens of messages I had received from friends regarding what had happened.

I am loved.  Completely and truly loved by some amazing people.  This isn't the first time nor will it be the last that I've been harassed and bullied because I stood up for justice and truth.  But everytime something like this happens the outpouring of love, prayers and kindness completely overwhelms whatever negativity happened.  

Everyone that matters to me knows the truth. 

I guess in a way I signed up for this.  I knew bullying was inevitable when I chose to believe the hard truths.

Here's the thing: yes I am angry and a little scared over the whole incident. Having some crazy cyber bully tell you to shoot yourself isn't fun.  But I'm also sad for the guy.  To have that much hate in ones heart towards a woman, especially a woman that he has never met in real life? I can't even imagine how awful it must feel.  

I guess my heart for this person would be that he gets to experience Gods love for him in his lifetime and that the hate in his heart is replaced with an understanding of Christs love.  God loves even the cruelest of bullies.   I don't claim to understand how He does it, but He does.

Also, in a weird way, I'm grateful for these experiences.  As weird as it sounds, I never experienced bullying from a peer as a child.  Sibling fights, sure, but I don't remember ever being really picked on by any of my friends.  I was pretty lucky I guess.  When I first had my kids I actually thought about what I would say to them and how I would teach them about the subject.  I didn't have a good answer, just a lot of generic feel good thoughts. Well, now I have real life experiences and I think I am better prepared to help them. I'm grateful for this. I'm learning how stupid it is to lash out in anger. 

So....to my internet and real life bullies: I do forgive you....and in the moments where forgiving is hard? I pray. I pray that you come to know Gods love in a real way.  And I pray Gods blessings on you and your families.  I don't mean this in a cheesy passive-aggressive "I'll pray for ya'll" way.  I mean this genuinely.  I pray that you truly come to know God and His amazing love for you.  I pray because if I don't? Unforgiveness and bitterness will happen.  I've been there before and getting out of that place is hard!

But also? Please stay away from my kids until Gods love finds you, I am a mama-bear when it comes to protecting my littles and you should be thankful it was only me you attacked. 

Stupid Soup

Last week I put in a lot of hours at work. My youngest also had chicken pox and was extra cranky.  I didn't get enough sleep and my body rebelled.

Exhaustion hit me today.  My voice is gone. I may even have a fever but I lack the energy to walk to the kitchen for the thermometer.

I laid in bed this afternoon trying to will myself to fold some laundry or at least do something productive, but it never happened.

And then a small face peered through my doorway "I made you some tea mom! It's green tea with stevia, I know you can't have sugar cuz you're sick."

She was so thoughtful and kind to me.

I found myself a little humbled by her sweetness.

But then I screwed up.

She offered to make some soup (out of a can) so I wouldn't have to cook dinner and I took her up on the offer.   I laid there a moment too long I think, because when I went into the kitchen to make sure everything was coming along okay I discovered my giant stock pot completely full of soup, literally every single can of Campbell's soup in our house went into that pot. 

I don't know about you, but my food budget isn't very big and I hate wasting food, so I got irritated with her.

"Olivia THINK before you do things! We can't eat this much soup!"

"I'm sorry mom-mom! I didn't mean to."

"You NEED to think Olivia, c'mon!"

I'm not proud of it.  I was not happy about losing a couple weeks worth of soup.  But I didn't even think about how hard she was trying to help, instead I just got angry.

I felt convicted right after it happened, but I didn't say anything because I still felt the irritation over soup.

It's stupid. I know.

And then tonight while I was getting ready for bed she came up to me, with my "headache" slippers (the kind you can warm up in the microwave) and my neck warmer thing (my kids have seen me get migraines too many times) and handed them to me.

"I hope you feel better mom-mom!"

My eyes got a little misty-eyed and I went to apologize for being all grumpy with her over the soup and when I did she stopped me.  "Mom, you're sick, it's okay.  You weren't that grumpy anyways, you should get some sleep so you feel better."

Ugh.  My heart is sooooo convicted right now. 

She is such a great reminder to me of how beautiful a good attitude is.  It's something I need to remember.  It's something I need to work on.

I wish I was as kind to people as she was to me today.  I don't think that even on my good days that I would have been as kind to me as Olivia was.  I was brat.  I didn't deserve tea or slippers or a neck warmer.  

She showed me Christ-like love today.  My kids continue to help me grow, to push me towards Jesus, to inspire me to make changes when I need to and I am so thankful for these little reminders of how much He loves me. 

I was gonna post a pretty or artistic image of Olivia....but this just seemed right. :-)

To the Stars and Back

"I love you to the stars and back"

It's something my baby (who's not so baby-ish) and I tell each other every night when I tuck him in.

Because the moon isn't far enough away to express that love.

Sometimes when he's feeling cheeky he says he only loves me to the grocery store and back.

And this is my night, almost every night.

I tuck him in and he waits and I sit on the couch with my book and wait.

Then he sneaks out with a grin and jumps in my lap for one more snuggle. When I tell him it's really truly bedtime his legs fail and he needs to be "carried like a baby" back to his bed.

I let him get away with this.  Just like I let my daughter run out to me a few minutes later, like she always does, to sit next to me for a few more minutes of time. 

Maybe I'm a softie. I probably am.  

I've been critiqued for my permissiveness many times.

I've come to accept my parenting mistakes these days though and quit beating myself up so much. Though I have to say, I disagree with the idea of late night cuddles being a mistake.

I've realized that in someones eyes I will always be doing something wrong no matter what.  What one person sees as too stern another will see as too permissive. 

I realize it...and I realize that I'm doing my best and making the best decisions I can for them. 

My children are kind and loving and polite and generous most of the time.  And just like me they are sometimes rude and ungrateful and selfish.  

They are just tiny humans after all.

I don't know what it is about single parenting, but I've found people are far more opinionated about my parenting now than what they were back then.

I want to be the best mom I possibly can be to these guys.  I want them to be brave and speak out for justice and protect the weak and love, love and more love.

Today was a day of hopelessness when it came to my parenting.  It was an ugly day. Not because of anything my kids did. But because of my situation.

I was told to give up hope.

I mean that literally as in I was directly told that I needed to quit hoping because I'm just making it harder on myself emotionally and I sobbed big ugly tears and refused to give up. 

I may feel hopeless in this moment and in my situation.  But I know I'm not.

It's just now I know that I can't hope in people.  They are just human. Not that I didn't know that already, it just got pounded into my head again today.

God is my ONLY hope.  

This is just my thought, with no real theological backing, but I have this belief that God secretly loves drama. Not like reality TV drama, but the kind of drama like in a Marvel movie. 

I think He likes to swoop in last minute and be the hero.  We think He's too late. The heroine is going to be crushed by the oncoming train. We just know it. Yet His timing is perfect and He swoops in and pulls her out of harms way and the train misses them by inches as it speeds on by.  

I hope I'm right.  I hope that God is the hero that I've spent my life believing He is.  I want so badly to have more faith.  

(Is his little cheese face not the cutest?!? Taken during one of our late night/he snuck out of bed moments together.)

Change

When I think of where I was in 2010 and where I am now, a lot has changed.

I mean besides the obvious divorce and accompanying drama. 

I've changed.  My heart has changed.  My desires have changed.

When I came back from Africa in 2010, my heart was broken but in the best way possible.  I looked at the world differently and I was married to someone that would never get it.  

My world fell apart as he fell apart and then God held me and kept me together as I watched him self destruct.  I don't even recognize the person he is now.  I'm probably unrecognizable too.

Africa changed me.  Surviving abuse changed me. Living in a women's shelter changed me.  Testifying in a rape case changed me. Having to rely on state assistance for a season?  That really changed me.  

In 2010 I was most engaged and excited when I was talking about photography.  I could go for hours discussing lenses and cameras and photoshop techniques.  I was ridiculously passionate about it all. 

Life changed.

Now?  The things that fire me up have to do with justice, poverty, violence against women and children and what we can do about it. I get all sorts of fired up and excited. 

I guess I'm realizing that while I still love what I do, God is pulling me towards something that involves more than f.stops.  

I've been feeling the pull for awhile now.  

I'm not planning on leaving my job, I still love what I do.  But I'm realizing that the idea of throwing a bunch of extra time and money into being some ridiculously amazing creative photographer doesn't excite me like it used to.  It's still a creative outlet for me, yes.  And I do love it.  But I know things are changing.

What I've gone through is not unique.

What I've gone through is pretty damn disgusting.

I will be real.  I will speak out.  I will tell it like it is.  If I am silent, this fight was for nothing.  

I don't know what this looks like, but I know I'm excited about it.

Whatever it is that God is calling me towards, I want to say "yes."  

It's time for me to dream again, and this time my dreams are a lot bigger than pretty photos.  

So here I go....

The exact path isn't clear yet.  But  things are going to be changing. I may have been kicked down for a season, but I'm on my feet again, and I will fight for justice. 

I would love prayer and even advice.  God has given me big dreams, and it's a little intimidating.