To the Stars and Back

"I love you to the stars and back"

It's something my baby (who's not so baby-ish) and I tell each other every night when I tuck him in.

Because the moon isn't far enough away to express that love.

Sometimes when he's feeling cheeky he says he only loves me to the grocery store and back.

And this is my night, almost every night.

I tuck him in and he waits and I sit on the couch with my book and wait.

Then he sneaks out with a grin and jumps in my lap for one more snuggle. When I tell him it's really truly bedtime his legs fail and he needs to be "carried like a baby" back to his bed.

I let him get away with this.  Just like I let my daughter run out to me a few minutes later, like she always does, to sit next to me for a few more minutes of time. 

Maybe I'm a softie. I probably am.  

I've been critiqued for my permissiveness many times.

I've come to accept my parenting mistakes these days though and quit beating myself up so much. Though I have to say, I disagree with the idea of late night cuddles being a mistake.

I've realized that in someones eyes I will always be doing something wrong no matter what.  What one person sees as too stern another will see as too permissive. 

I realize it...and I realize that I'm doing my best and making the best decisions I can for them. 

My children are kind and loving and polite and generous most of the time.  And just like me they are sometimes rude and ungrateful and selfish.  

They are just tiny humans after all.

I don't know what it is about single parenting, but I've found people are far more opinionated about my parenting now than what they were back then.

I want to be the best mom I possibly can be to these guys.  I want them to be brave and speak out for justice and protect the weak and love, love and more love.

Today was a day of hopelessness when it came to my parenting.  It was an ugly day. Not because of anything my kids did. But because of my situation.

I was told to give up hope.

I mean that literally as in I was directly told that I needed to quit hoping because I'm just making it harder on myself emotionally and I sobbed big ugly tears and refused to give up. 

I may feel hopeless in this moment and in my situation.  But I know I'm not.

It's just now I know that I can't hope in people.  They are just human. Not that I didn't know that already, it just got pounded into my head again today.

God is my ONLY hope.  

This is just my thought, with no real theological backing, but I have this belief that God secretly loves drama. Not like reality TV drama, but the kind of drama like in a Marvel movie. 

I think He likes to swoop in last minute and be the hero.  We think He's too late. The heroine is going to be crushed by the oncoming train. We just know it. Yet His timing is perfect and He swoops in and pulls her out of harms way and the train misses them by inches as it speeds on by.  

I hope I'm right.  I hope that God is the hero that I've spent my life believing He is.  I want so badly to have more faith.  

(Is his little cheese face not the cutest?!? Taken during one of our late night/he snuck out of bed moments together.)

Change

When I think of where I was in 2010 and where I am now, a lot has changed.

I mean besides the obvious divorce and accompanying drama. 

I've changed.  My heart has changed.  My desires have changed.

When I came back from Africa in 2010, my heart was broken but in the best way possible.  I looked at the world differently and I was married to someone that would never get it.  

My world fell apart as he fell apart and then God held me and kept me together as I watched him self destruct.  I don't even recognize the person he is now.  I'm probably unrecognizable too.

Africa changed me.  Surviving abuse changed me. Living in a women's shelter changed me.  Testifying in a rape case changed me. Having to rely on state assistance for a season?  That really changed me.  

In 2010 I was most engaged and excited when I was talking about photography.  I could go for hours discussing lenses and cameras and photoshop techniques.  I was ridiculously passionate about it all. 

Life changed.

Now?  The things that fire me up have to do with justice, poverty, violence against women and children and what we can do about it. I get all sorts of fired up and excited. 

I guess I'm realizing that while I still love what I do, God is pulling me towards something that involves more than f.stops.  

I've been feeling the pull for awhile now.  

I'm not planning on leaving my job, I still love what I do.  But I'm realizing that the idea of throwing a bunch of extra time and money into being some ridiculously amazing creative photographer doesn't excite me like it used to.  It's still a creative outlet for me, yes.  And I do love it.  But I know things are changing.

What I've gone through is not unique.

What I've gone through is pretty damn disgusting.

I will be real.  I will speak out.  I will tell it like it is.  If I am silent, this fight was for nothing.  

I don't know what this looks like, but I know I'm excited about it.

Whatever it is that God is calling me towards, I want to say "yes."  

It's time for me to dream again, and this time my dreams are a lot bigger than pretty photos.  

So here I go....

The exact path isn't clear yet.  But  things are going to be changing. I may have been kicked down for a season, but I'm on my feet again, and I will fight for justice. 

I would love prayer and even advice.  God has given me big dreams, and it's a little intimidating. 

My Own 50 Shades

Facebook is overflowing this week with posts about 50 Shades of Grey.

So please excuse my addition to the uproar.  I just simply can't stay quiet about this one as it hits far too close to home for me.

I realize that the book and movie are for entertainment purposes.  I also realize there are a LOT of really idiotic movies and books out there.  Admittedly I can be a sucker for poorly written love stories. Even Twilight sucked me in.  Granted, I kept hoping it would get better....perhaps Bella would develop a personality at some point and then maybe I would understand why she had two really hot guys chasing after her.  Many wasted hours later I realized it just wasn't going to happen.  Yet I still watched the movies. I even went to one of them on opening night.

All that to say?  I get that people want to be entertained.  I really do.  And we as American's are gluttons for entertainment, even when it is just poorly written plots with hot actors and actresses.

But this?  This is different.

I saw this post on buzz feed today and while it's done humorously, all I could say was "Really?!  THIS is what we are so excited for?"

(Contains strong language)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/fifty-shades-of-fcked-up#.konlMMd97

Read it.  Chuckle.  Get a little grossed out.  And come back.

Here I go.

I haven't read the whole book.  So forgive me if I'm a little misinformed.  But I really don't think that I am. Prior to knowing the controversy, back in 2012, I downloaded the first two chapters for free on my kindle app.  Lucky for me the writing style was horrible enough that I didn't waste any money on the book. I could take a pretty good guess on where the book was headed and I simply wasn't interested in going there.

 I've lived my own version of it and it was not the stuff that fantasy's are made of.

From what I know of the book, Christian is a handsome and wealthy man with sexual issues stemming from abuse he experienced when he was younger and this is what drives him to control and cause psychical pain to his lovers.   I know there's a lot more to it that that. Mostly graphic sex scenes and a fair amount of "romance" to accompany it. But from what I gather, that's a good summary.

When I was 19 I fell in love with and married a boy who (from what I've gathered of the book) bears an uncanny resemblance to Christian Grey.  Charming, from a wealthy family (though I think Christian actually made his own money. Correct me if I'm wrong.) and completely screwed up from abuse in his past.

My 50 shades started out lovely, ended in women's shelter and the middle was hell peppered with lots of gifts and apology letters.

Abuse is not something to romanticize.

I truly am a little sickened that we, as women, are flocking to this movie.

We scream about fair treatment in the workplace.  We blast violence against women.  We call out for changes in sexual assault laws.  We demand our independence.

And we are the ones flocking to a movie that glamorizes the domination and abuse of women.

Ladies, there is nothing glamorous about being choked or hit.  Especially not when you're being choked unconscious as your toddler watches, helpless, from the next room.

I was physically abused for years. It's not a secret.  My ex-husband himself even talked about the physical abuse he had inflicted on me with his friends. Like it was no big deal. Or maybe that it was a big deal but that he "messed up" and he was going to "change." People were scared for me.  Some thought I wouldn't survive.  

Survival is not a given.

My middle name is June, after my great Aunt June.  She was murdered by her husband at the age of 20. I've heard the story, of course this was long before I was around, but the story goes that he was in a jealous rage and thought that June was leaving him.  So he killed her. My great-grandmother ended up raising June's 3 boys alone in a tiny 2 bedroom house while their father served time in prison for murder.

When I was married I bought into the lie that if I was just more submissive, bought cuter lingerie, was better in bed, lost weight, kept my eyes down in public so that I couldn't be accused of looking at another man or heck....even cooked a better dinner, that things might be better.

I was never enough and things never got better until the day I finally had the courage to file a restraining order. The granting of that restraining order in the fall of 2010 was the day I finally had a voice.  I had to self-represent in court against a top-rated defense attorney and to this day I'm not sure how I made it through it without breaking into sobs.  I was pregnant, it was terrifying, and my ex had brought a crowd of people with him to intimidate me.   The judge granted my request for protection, despite my poor public speaking skills.  My life has only gotten better since that moment.

Jealousy, domination and control are not something that can be romanticized without minimizing the crime that is domestic abuse.

My escape is the exception, many try, most return.

1 in 4 homes contain domestic violence.

Ladies, please, for love of your sisters out there that are suffering.  For those trying to escape. Please quit glamorizing and fantasizing over the kind of relationship that can only end in misery.  This movie doesn't just make light of abuse, it makes it something to aspire to.  You have sisters and friends out there living in this kind of misery and we are going to pay the box office millions of dollars to make it look like it's something beautiful.

There is nothing beautiful or romantic about sexual abuse ladies.  Nothing. Look at my life.  Look at what my children have had to walk through.  Picture my child in tears at the age of 4 getting cross examined on the witness stand asking for her mom.   This is what happens and this is just one of many ugly roads the romanticizing of abuse could lead you down.  

I'm sorry if I ruined your Valentines day plans.

Actually, no, I'm not.

Today I Choose Gratefulness.

Today the stress and frustration that is my seemingly never ending court saga threatened to overwhelm me.

My ex husband officially got out of a year and half's worth of back support today. His July 2013-November 2014's portion of childcare costs, a HUGE amount of money.  If you have a good lawyer and enough money you can get out of anything. Rape.  Abuse. Assault. And child support.  Anything.   Truth is, I'm pretty sure he spent more on the attorney's fees fighting his way out of back support than what he would have paid if he just paid the support.  But that's the point.  He successfully got out of support and racked up my attorney's fees in the process.  So in his mind, he's won. 

I wish I could ask him to just stop.  I won't ask for support or anything if he would just stop attacking us. 

But then he won't be able to continue to abuse me through the court system. So that's probably a no. 

 I'm stressed and exhausted and owe more money to more attorneys than I can fathom. My current attorney is failing me miserably.  I dream of being able to afford a good lawyer and in those dreams I cry happy tears because we are free and the relief I feel is beyond words.  I've been told several times that my representation in court is why things are so difficult for me.  There is NO way things should be going the way they are going.  I've also been told that I'm dealing with an unjust judge.  Several attorney's have reviewed our case and have all related their shock and disgust with how the legal system has utterly failed my children. 

But again, God is bigger and he truly can set us free of all this right? So why hasn't He? 

Sigh.

And then my little guy jumps in my bed and nestles into me, pulling the blankets over me and him.

"Why do you like snuggles so much T?" I ask.

"Because I feel warm and happy and I love you"

He grins at me and giggles before kissing my cheek and squeezing my neck in a slightly too tight chubby-armed hug.  

How did I get blessed with such loving and precious kids?

 This right here.  Every day listening to stories about their friends from school, seeing them dance and play and laugh and grow.  Nerf wars and lego building marathons, dance parties and nacho-movie nights.  Getting to be involved in all their activities, to know their friends, to laugh and cry and grow together in this sweet little unconventional family unit. I am here. 

So what if I'm broke as heck because of stupid attorney fees? So what if my ex has forced us below the poverty line? So what if I can't buy a house or plan for the future? Every time I get caught up I'm hit with some other form of legal abuse, and unless God chooses to intervene (and I'm praying and begging him to do just that!) I don't foresee it ending. 

But this is my now and my kids? They are here with me.  Just me. For whatever reason God has chosen to give me almost 5 years of just me and my beautiful babies. 

I'm going to focus on making the absolute best of it.  Money really doesn't matter because God has and will continue to provide for what we need. Maybe some big financial breakthrough will happen soon for us, or maybe God will just continue to allow us to be in this place of fully relying on Him and His provision. 

I know God sees the horrible injustice that is happening to us.  There may not be justice here on earth, but there is justice in the end.  It takes everything in me to pray for mercy over him and his family, vengeance is so much easier to think about.   My heart is often FAR from the right place when it comes to this, and it is something I truly need to work on. 

I'm going to try my hardest to keep a good attitude. To focus on what we do have.  To not let the theft of money that is rightfully my children's destroy my day or week.  God provides beautifully and bountifully and we are thankful every day for his continued protection of us.   Today I WILL choose to be grateful.  I have here with me the most precious gifts ever.  Money (or lack thereof) simply can't compare with what I am blessed with.  

We Lack Nothing.

Sometimes you just have to get it out.  Scream and yell and throw a fit for it to be okay.  

Yesterday I did.  I'm not ashamed.  I posted on facebook. I messaged several friends.  I called my parents.  I was raging for a good two hours.

I'm not saying it was the best or most mature way of handling things.  But I felt better after I did it.

I felt peace.

So what if my ex weasels his way out of supporting his kids.  Him doing everything he can to hurt the kids and I is a given, and his failure to care for his kids has made the many miracles that have happened over the last 4 years that much more beautiful.

I never talk about support money with my kids. It's not for them to know at this time.  But someday they will know.  Someday they will ask why things were hard.  As much I've tried to keep them from seeing my tears, they've seen them.  They've sensed my heaviness. I know it.  Someday I will get to share the full story of their heavenly Father's provision when their earthly father failed over and over.  They already know and have seen some of the miracles.  The year the most amazing Christmas ever was gifted to us is something they still talk about 3 years later.  Many times we've ran out of food and then God provided an abundance.  There have been times where I have gone to pay a bill and it was already paid, or opened my purse to find extra money in it that I know I didn't put there.  There have been times I haven't been able to afford school clothes and then bags of clothes appeared from all different places.  Vehicles and appliances have been repaired and/or replaced.  

God has supplied all our needs.

Sometimes even my latte "need" has been supplied with timely gift cards to my favorite shops.  

And there's even been times where movie tickets and concert tickets and dinners out....you know the frivolous things in life? Gifted to us. 

We lack nothing. 

I could stay angry at this financial set-back we may be facing.  It's a LOT of money that we could really use right now.  

Or I could keep focused on God.  And just wait and see what He does.  I am truly desperate for Him to move.  I'm desperate for Him to notice my case. 

I'm desperate like the widow in Luke 18:

"1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

I will persist.  I will pray day and night. I may keep losing for awhile.  But I'm not going to let this cost me my faith. 

All I can fight with these days is my voice.  I choose to speak up. I choose to not be intimidated.  I will not allow myself to be victimized by their bullying.  And I'm not going to shut up either.   😉

29 on the 29th.

Since I'm 29 this year and it's the 29th of December I thought it would be fitting to list out 29 things that this year has gifted me with.  Some beautiful and sentimental.  Some just silly and fun.
I'm grateful for this year and all that it's brought me.  The lessons, the heartache, the joy, and the growth.  Some moments ripped my heart out and some were so beautiful that I just cried from the prefect lovely joy of that moment.

All of the photos except for this first one are compliments of my iphone5.  Don't judge.  Also, it's not my birthday.  I'm 29 and a half in case you are wondering.

1. Not sure how to emphasize this one enough.  And really, all of the other's are going to be silly and frivolous after this one,  The best and number 1 thing of 2014 for me is that my kids were protected and safe for this whole year.  No contact with their father, no regression into the places they used to be.  This is beautiful and amazing for so many reasons.   This first point could easily turn into a novel if I chose so I'm going to stop and go on to number 2.

2. My divorce was finalized.  9 years is WAY to long to be married to someone who has done everything possible to make you and your kids lives hell.  Having this closure is beautiful to the point that I cried tears of joy on more then one occasion.

3. We were able to take a trip to Great Wolf Lodge and loved every second of it.

4.  We went camping a few times and it was awesome!  I will probably spend most of summer 2015 in a tent.  You've been warned. 

(Our outdoor movie theater made from a soccer goal, a quilt and a projector)

Kids all crammed into my tiny car. 

 The Walking Tacos. 

5. I bought a new (to me) car.  I was long overdue for something reliable.  This is it.  It also has leather seats which make me happy.  

6.  I took my older two to their first ever real concert: Cage the Elephant.  Olivia proved to be my child when she crawled through the last few people blocking her view and made it all the way to the front. Proud mom moment.  Casey made it eventually but was much more polite about it.

7.  And since I'm talking about concerts and those were highlights for me this year I have to mention Portugal the Man and Grouplove.  It was hard for me to pick a favorite show from this year, but I think this just might have to be it.   PTM blew me away.

 This was also the concert where I had a moment of insanity and decided to crowd surf.  I lost my car key in the process, spent a lot of time digging through trash with no luck, and had to call a locksmith for my car.  Expensive mistake. It was a fun moment but not worth it.

Since I'm still on concerts though I'm going to give The Airborne Toxic Event Number 8.
Meeting Mikel Jollet was bomb.  I still get a little giddy thinking about it.   Their music is touching and beautiful in all the right ways.  I love them.


9.  Kicking butt at the ash kicker.   Even though I drank to much post race and made an idiot of myself, (LIGHTWEIGHT!) the race itself and the wonderful time with my girls was amazing.

10.  I got in great shape this year. I worked hard for the ash kicker and surprised myself with how well I did at it.  Getting in shape is tough.

11.  I also ate my way out of great shape this fall.  Why am I putting this on my list?  I enjoyed every last Olive Garden breadstick, Red Robin Cheeseburger and Chipotle burrito. Good food must be celebrated.

(This is from the Olympic Club.  My mouth is watering).

12. Speaking of fall.  My work crew this year was awesome.  We spend a lot of time on the road together and having people that you actually enjoy being with is pretty rad.

13.  My traditional girls weekend away.  A weekend of just girls, in a lodge in the woods with lots of food is awesome and it was exactly what I needed after several months of 60 hour work weeks.

14. Swimming, floating and being outside a lot this summer.

15. On a more serious note.  I've spent a lot of time learning to forgive myself.  Forgiving others is hard enough.  Forgiving myself for my mistakes?  SO hard.  My view of God as a child and teenager was very performance based and not grace based.    I could write a whole post on this subject, but I won't, or at least I'll save it for later.  I'll just summarize by saying that this was the year that I truly came to know God's grace in the richest and fullest sense, and it's good because I desperately needed it.

16. I also spent a lot more time actually listening to God.  I failed at it a lot, but the effort and my heart have been there.  I've learned a lot.

17. Good books.  I've tried to shut off the tv more and feed my brain.  I love reading, but I'm infamous for never finishing books.  This year I finished a lot more than last year, no idea what the number is, I just know that it's been a good year for reading.

18. I learned how to walk away from the boys that hurt me.  Not gracefully, or beautifully, but I did it.  I ended up having to do it a few more times with a few different boys by the end of the year.  But it's gotten easier and I've gotten stronger.  Being nice doesn't mean being a doormat.

19. We took a lot of day trips this year.  I'm so happy we did.  The kids and I have some beautiful memories from what we did and I can't wait to make more of them.

We totally passed a cop while we were doing this and he just smiled and waved.   

20.  Started and completed advent with my kids.  We went through"Unwrapping The Greatest Gift" and it was a hit.  We had some great talks about some really good stuff and there were a few moments in it that hit my heart in all the right places.  I definitely recommend it.

21. I wrote more this year and healed more.  This blog and my journals have been so therapeutic for me.

22. I spent more time with friends this year.  2013 was rough, 2014 was a definite improvement for me.  I have some great memories full of laughter that I'm so glad to have experienced.

23. I quit caffeine this year.  It was a horrible experience let me tell you. But I'm so glad not to have that addiction in my life anymore.

24. I worked on dinner time traditions with my kids.   We sit down for dinner now at least 3-4 times a week.  At the table.  Considering how busy our lives are, that's a huge success.  We also have a routine of discussing our best moments of the day and what we are most thankful for.

25. I grew a backbone.   I've never had a problem with standing up for other people, but I really struggle with standing up for myself.  Well I did it this year and it didn't go good. But I grew and I'm really happy and relieved that I did it.   It's an ongoing thing, I'm still growing in this area, but I know I made some huge steps and I'm glad.

26. I didn't give up on the budget thing.  I've kept at it.  I'm still not where I want to be, but I definitely have a system and it's working for me.

27.  My kid's cuddles. They sneak out of their beds every night to give me "snuggles" and while I get to be all firm and parental with them and send them back to bed eventually, it is definitely one of my favorite things.

28. Bonfires.  We went to a lot of them this summer.  My kids have the s'mores thing down.

29. And last but not least.  I know in my heart that I've given 2014 my best and my all.  I chose right when it came to my kids, and I've continued to fight with everything in me for them.   I'm looking forward to 2015 and the new joys it will bring.  

The Struggle is Real.

"The Struggle is Real."  I hear that statement frequently these days.  Usually in sarcasm.  Usually over something silly like having to put on pants, or wear a bra, or my favorite.....

I get the humor.  I get the sarcasm.  And I probably use that statement far to often, right up there with #firstworldproblems.  It makes me grin every time I hear it.  I figured a little smile would be a great way to start out sharing this actual real struggle I'm going through, and since this struggle isn't life or death, it's mostly just mental, I'm going to be lighthearted about it. 

I've worked really hard to keep my heart soft lately, but there have been many months of my life where I've failed at this and found myself locking my bitter angry heart up and refusing to feel anything.  2013 was the year of bitter angry Jessica.  One friend referred to me as a zombie and a shell of a person when we talked about it the other day.  It was true.  I was dead inside.  Hurt and wounded to the point that I merely walked through the day-to-day motions of my life.  I let people say and do things to me that were awful.  I almost couldn't feel it.  What little part I could feel was denied.  I didn't want the floodgates to open and I was scared that once I grieved the cruelties that were done to me and worse yet, my own sin, it would never stop.

Then things changed.  Light broke through.  God softened my heart and I began to feel EVERYTHING.  Grief happened.  Wretched, awful, sobbing until my face was swollen grief, and then came the healing and the restoration, and finally joy.  Sweet joy.

It was nearly a year ago when God broke through my hard shell. To say it's been all joy and rainbows since then is just silly.  I've wrote frequently about the struggles and emotions I've gone through just in life.  Fear overwhelms me still.  Sometimes I don't feel God's presence. I still find myself stuffing things out of reflex and then having to un-stuff and let it hurt.  Sometimes the feelings, the real deep feelings that I feel of love and sadness and pain and joy are so real that I am overwhelmed.  But I feel again, and it's beautiful even when it sucks.

This is where my struggle lies.

The realness of who I am is that I wear my heart on my sleeve now.  I love people. I feel for people. And when those people hurt me they get to see the unfortunate result of their actions.  The shaking with sobs while tears stream down my face because my heart has been wounded again ugly messy me and I want it to stop, because when someone sits there and says they are sorry over and over and over and you know they feel like a worm and you just can't stop crying?  It is the worst feeling in the world.   I want to lie and say it's okay.  But I can't, because it's not.

I feel bad for feeling hurt.  And this is my struggle.

I feel bad that I am naive to the point that it's almost stupid.

I feel bad for only seeing good in people.

I feel bad for trusting.

I feel bad for wanting more than just being told that I'm pretty.



I struggle because right now?  I hurt.  And it would be so easy to just stuff it and move on.

The struggle is to let myself cry and feel the pain and embrace it until God heals it.

The struggle is to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

The struggle is to open my eyes to peoples faults while still loving them

The struggle is to know that I don't have to trust everyone.  I only have to trust God.

The struggle is knowing and believing that I'm created for more than flattery.  I have depth and beauty inside me, and cheap compliments should never be the way to my heart.

That's my struggle today.  The struggle is real.