Here's to 30

Here's to 30.

I spent the night of my 30th birthday in a tent with my 3 kids.

My son Tristen (with an "e") had his feet dug into my ribs and his hand in my hair. It was beautiful and perfect. I'm blessed that I have these guys with me. Always.  I say it a lot. But I really mean it.  I could have had a party I guess, but camping with my kiddos seemed more like what we needed.  

What can I say about the 20's now that I'm officially in my 30's. 

I learned a lot.  I hope I don't make the same mistakes.  But I can say this, most of my mistakes and problems were just mistakes.  I have a few regrets, but not many, and I'm glad for that.  

I've learned a lot about friendship.  For the most part the friends I was friends with at the beginning of my 20's are still my friends in my 30's.  God has really blessed me with faithful friendships.
I've also had a few not so great friendships and I've learned to be more discerning in who I share my heart with.  I've learned (and in a sense am still learning) that the women that talk poorly about others to you will do the same about you when you're not there.  Obvious, yes. But still a hard lesson to learn.  Gossip kills and I'm trying my hardest to step away and not participate when it happens.  It's hard!  Really hard.  But it's a lesson I hope improves my character in the future.

I've learned a lot about love.  What it looks like and what it doesn't look like.  I'm still working on the whole "walking away" thing.  I tend to love people that self-destruct.  When my ex-husband and I split up I learned the meaning of co-dependency thanks to the domestic violence victim support groups I had to attend.  Don't mock. Those classes changed my life in a huge way.  I am a co-dependent.  I want to help people.  I want to heal people, I want to heal them so bad I will take a red-eye last minute to pick up their drunk and coked-out ass from a seedy hotel room and take them home and clean them up in the hopes that me and my undying love will be enough to heal them from their addictions and pain.

But I am not God and I have 3 kids.  I don't want those guys and their problems anywhere near us.  

The whole learning that I am not capable of changing a person or healing a person was a tough lesson.   I hope and pray that I never have to learn that lesson again.  I've dated a bit since my ex and I've had healthy and unhealthy relationships and can I just say that it is HARD to see through the stuff guys sling in the first few dates.  I'm having a heck of a time with dating in general.  I attract addicts even though the only thing I've ever been addicted to is coffee.  The co-dependency part of me is real and I'm hoping and praying that God heals that completely and soon.

I've also learned a lot about work/life balance.  In 2012 I walked away from being self-employed and into employment and I've never looked back.  Self-employment almost killed me.   I never slept and I was constantly in a state of stress and anxiety.  I loved my job, don't get me wrong, but being the sole provider for my family and not being able to see my financial future was terrifying.   God provided for me miraculously on many occasions, and when I reached my max I decided to work for someone else.  I'm so glad I did.  I love what I do.  I love having a predictable financial future.  I love that when I clock out I can go home and live and just BE with my kids.  I don't have to constantly respond to calls and texts and emails at all hours.   My kids get a less stressed out mom and I get enjoy my kids a lot more. 

Things I want to do different in my 30's?

I want to trust God fully.  There were times I did in my 20's and times I didn't.  God always came through but the doubt and anxiety were things I could have done without.  

I want to keep living fully.  I spent too much time allowing the boy I was with to define me....when I got out of that I was able to finally be myself and it's been fun.

Simple things like choosing to listen to kind of music I like have been huge. Being able to wear what I like.  Fix my hair how I want.  Wear or not wear makeup.  Gain and lose weight and not get ridiculed when it's more of a gain than a loss.  I've crowd-surfed, danced with strangers, kissed the boy I had a crush on, laid out under the stars until morning, floated down a river in the dark, gone on blind dates, punched a guy for groping me without my permission, bummed a piggyback ride off a stranger,  and learned how to two-step.  Sort of. Of course there's more to life than crazy adventures.

I want to keep teaching my kids that it's okay to make mistakes.  I beat myself up when I screw up, and it's hard to hide that sometimes.  I've been so proud of my kids when they come to me and tell me what they are struggling with and I don't want that to change just because they are about to become teenagers.  

Vacation and all that

We've been on vacation for a little over 2 weeks now.   We started out tent camping, then driving half way across the country (slowly I might add) and we've been in Colorado for a little over a week now.
It's been nice and I'm gonna admit that I don't want to come home.  I'm almost having a panic attack thinking about getting on the plane in a few weeks.

For the first time in 5 years I haven't been nervous when I've gone to the grocery store.  I haven't made sure to check the back seat of my car before getting in.  I haven't jumped every time the dog barks.  I haven't checked the door locks multiple times after crawling in bed.  I haven't slept with a weapon, not even once.

Don't get me wrong, I feel safe in my house in Washington.  But I'm not stupid.  I know I have to watch my back.  I have to be careful.

I feel good here. I feel safer here than I've felt in years.  My family here is wonderful.  There are so many of them, and staying here at my grandparents has been incredibly peaceful.  I don't want to leave.

My kids are bonding with all of their cousins here.  We have SOOOOOOOOOOO many cousins it's unreal.  My mom is 1 of 10 kids and all of her 9 siblings live in or near Greeley, plus their kids and a lot of the grand kids too.  Family dinner last week had to have close to 100 people at it.  Or it at least felt like it. :-)

I'm overwhelmed with support here.  Overwhelmed.  My family is pretty amazing.  My kids are loving this time with their cousins.  It's been a lot of sleepovers and swimming with more to come I'm sure.

I kinda like Greeley too.  3 city pools.  Sunshine.  And today at the pool the lifeguards were playing all my favorite bands. It was like they stole my playlists. I didn't hear even one T. Swift song all day. I know it's weird that that made me happy, but I'm gonna confess I spent an hour on my phone the other night just looking up Colorado concert venues and who would be playing here over the next couple months even though I won't be able to go to them.  I'm weird like that.

Coming home at the end of the month is going to be a little sad.

I think a vacation was way to long overdue for me.  My health desperately needed a vacation years ago.  I've slept far more than I normally do.  My body has been playing catch up.  My mind has been in kind of a shut down avoidance place.  I've been avoiding certain things that I know cause stress because I just can't deal with it anymore.  While I know that's not healthy long term, it's been really nice for me in this time of rest. 

I love it here and it's like God is breathing life into me to prepare me for the battle that is coming.  God will win this fight and we will be safe.  It's just a matter of time.