My unbelief.

I'm going to write a vulnerable post.

Well truly, eveything I write has a hint  vulnerability in it.  But this one is going to be especially raw and open.  

Going through what I've been going through spiritually, emotionally and with the court system has been hard, that is no secret.  But this last few weeks have been a struggle that I haven't experienced since I was in the initial stages of separation with my ex.

My last post talked about my faith in God, how I trusted Him to protect us, and even if the worst happened, I knew it was all going to be okay because He was in control.  At the time I wrote that (and other posts like it) that was how I truly felt. But going on through my week, dealing with attorneys and court stuff and therapist's and this whole giant nightmare? It shook me. 

I had a conversation with a friend this week and I was really honest with him.  (Tyler is probably going to hate that I talked about him on my blog again).

My confessions to him looked like this:

I'm going to feel really let down by God if He allows my ex back into my kids life.  I know I say I won't, but deep down inside me? I think I will. God has done so much to protect us for the past 4 years, and I am afraid that my faith is going to be shaken if "the worst" happens.  I'm afraid that I'm going to feel like God is punishing me for my mistakes.  

Ugh.  I hate that that was even in me.

"God is not a vending machine Jess."

Ouch.  He had a lot of truth to say, but that sentence is what stuck.

I know this to be true.  Sometimes God says yes, sometimes it's no, sometimes we wait, and sometimes he has another plan.   I speak my faith out, I believe He will continue to protect us, and try my hardest to stand strong in that. But what if His plans are incredibly different then mine? Will I still trust Him?

Sometimes my doubt overwhelms me and I find myself pleading for God to help me with my unbelief.  

Tonight, in compliance to a court order, I had to write down things about my kids - what they enjoy, what their personalities are like, their favorite things etc. 

I read what I had written down to my kids to make sure they were okay with everything.  

My daughter almost started crying.  

"Is dad going to read this?"

"Yes"

"Can you please take out this and this?"

She pointed to parts that described her friendships and extracurricular activities.  "I don't want him knowing any of those things about me."

She was shaking.  

I was shaking by the time I finished erasing what I had wrote. 

The fear is still there and I can do nothing to fix this for her.  I beg and plead God to move and end this for us, to not allow my children to be forced into something they are terrified of.  But I'm truly in a place where I have done everything I can and the rest is fully in God's hands.  It's both freeing and terrifying at the same time.  

I trust Him, and then I don't, and then I do.   

Please help my unbelief God. Please help me trust. 

Not by my own strength....

This week we had court again and things didn't exactly go like I had hoped. They didn't go terrible, but they didn't go great.

Essentially I get to continue on in this state of limbo.  I get to keep fighting, keep hoping, and keep advocating for my kids with everything in me.

I was hoping for closure.  I'd love to close this door to my past and my ex.  But God must have more to teach me in the current and exhausting state that I am.

I don't know what the future holds.  Then again, no one does.

I do know this:  I will do EVERYTHING I legally can to protect my kids.

I've spent more time on the phone with therapists and attorneys this week then anything else.  I haven't received my legal statement yet for the month, but I know it's coming and it's not going to be pretty.

And at this point, despite the chaos and the money troubles, all I can do is stop and thank God.

Whatever happens, good or bad, God has given me over 4 years to recover and help my children recover.  We are different people, stronger people then we were in 2010.    My older two both have thriving relationships with God.  I find my oldest boy frequently on his knees in his room with his little devotional bible and Olivia?  She is hungry and poetic and her soul is just beautiful.

I have to trust that even if my worst nightmare comes true that their faith is going to stand.  Because in the grand scheme of things, that is what matters.  I've surrendered my kids to God.  I know how desperately and madly I want to protect them, and I know that God wants that even more so then I do.

Even though I have no idea what the next few months look like, I trust God.  He has complete control and even in the worst of situations he can still make beautiful things happen.