A Decade.

A decade of motherhood.   It's hard to believe that my baby is that old.  It's harder to believe that I'm old enough to have a kid that old.

My son has been through a lot with me.  When I try and list it all out it doesn't sound that crazy. But trust me when I say it; it's been crazy. A marriage.  2 more additions to the family.  A divorce.  6 moves. 2 schools.

Sounds like your average American kids life right there.

But this life for him was never my hope.  

My plan was to give stability.  To give him a family that had roots and loved God.  I wanted to be that mom that had dinner on the table every night (cooked from scratch of course!), never missed a little league game, and spent her days playing at the park with him and evenings reading books to him.  

Life didn't work out that way for us though.

My dreams for him have a new look these days. And I'm totally okay with that.

When I look at him now?  I know I've done something right.  Or maybe I just did a lot of something's wrong and somehow ended up with an amazing kid.  I'm not sure.  But somehow I have this kid that is wise beyond his years, ridiculously kind-hearted, loves his siblings to pieces, and can cook up some amazing French toast.    

This boy saved my life.  And that is no exaggeration.

Becoming a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm grateful for every day of it.

(Standard hospital issued newborn photo. So much sweetness in such an awkward little baby photo booth.)

His first birthday.  (Yes....photo of a photo...I know.)

Age 5

Age 7

From his last birthday. 

And this week I solemnly swear - I will go take his 10-year old portraits.

I could spend hours just posting photos of this kid.  But I promised myself I would only do a few and focus on the writing.  Photos are always easier than words for me.

Casey: This day 10 years ago? Life-changing, beautiful, amazing, incredibly-ridiculously-horribly painful, and absolutely perfect in every way.  I'm so glad God picked me to be your mom.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for making me proud. Thank you for being so selfless, so kind, and for cuddling with your little brother every night without fail.  You bless me daily.  I love you buddy. -Mom. 

Thought's from this week

This is another one of those posts where I just ramble about what's in my head for the week.

I've been thinking a lot on single-parenting and my future.  Am I going to be a single parent forever or do I want to go back down the dating route? I've been paused on the dating thing for a bit.   My heart needed more healing and my understanding of Gods character needed (still needs) more depth. And the straw that broke the camels back was me getting hurt, yet again, yet another guy. 

A pause needed to happen.  

I need wisdom.  When someone tells me to steer clear of someone, I want to listen. Maybe, just maybe, I can start to avoid the heartache that comes from me thinking that I know better and ignoring the advice of those that love me.  And I'm tired of getting preyed on.

Back to my point:

I look at my life, and other than my ex giving me grief through the court system and the dramatics and stress related to that, my life is really good. 

I love my little duplex tucked away in the woods and my landlords have been beyond wonderful to me.  This place is tiny for my family of four, but it forces me to declutter often and I like that.  I feel safe here.  Between my dog (he's more of an alarm than a vicious attack dog) and my landlords living upstairs, I feel safe for the first time since my ex and I split.  Restraining orders are only pieces of paper right? But here? I feel safe. And it's good.   

Financially things are okay too. (I know talking about money is kinda odd, but I'm gonna do it).

A few years back I took the Dave Ramsey class.  And while I haven't been perfect at implementing what I learned, it has helped me pull myself together and get on my feet. Having an emergency fund, savings, a budget and living kinda below my means so that I can actually LIVE, is nice.  

All that to say.  Life is good. 

So do I really need a guy in my life?

Sometimes I'm lonely.  Those moments after the kids go to bed and I'm left with myself and Netflix? It can get a little old (well....orange is the new black season 2 is now out so this week I'm more excited than lonely).  But the reality is sometimes I do crave it.  And then I think through my past relationships and go "nah....not for me."  

But then again, I have to hope that maybe perhaps I've just picked poorly in the past and my ideas of what I want need to change. 

Time will tell....