God's Perception

My week hasn't been the easiest.

I kinda feel like a knife has been jabbed in me and twisted several times.  I've had to take a lot of deep breaths and try my hardest to keep my temper under control.  It hasn't been easy and a few angry words have escaped my mouth. 

God's perception of me is what matters.  And I'm trying so hard to remember that.  I should know that one by heart given the nonsense I've gone through in the past 4 years. 

 Yes. I do sometimes overhear the things people say about me behind my back.  There are a lot of people that support my children and I, an overwhelming amount of people actually, but there are those few that like to say crappy things about me and the choice I made to believe my kids and stick up for them.  Thick skin is a given.  I would rather have people throw dirt at me all day long and know that my kids are safe than the alternative - living with a sick secret for the sake of appearances.  I am not the woman that makes her life choices based on what looks good.  

After 4 years it's become almost easy to let that stuff roll off my back.  It's pretty black and white to me, I made the right choice and I've never doubted my decision. 

But this week was different.  This week it wasn't so black and white.  Getting hurt was a given.  Doubting my choices (not in regards to my kids of course, other stuff) and wondering if I really am doing okay in this life.  

In the end of it all I'm left with the realization that I have no control over how other's view me or feel about me.  I just don't.  I can say a million and one words, show love and kindness in every way I know how and be the nicest and sweetest person possible (or even be a total jerk), but I simply can't control another person's view of me or feelings towards me. 

Which is where I am left tonight.  Pulling out the knife.  Asking God to heal the wound.  Forgiving.  

Knowing that people pleasing is no way to live life.  Knowing that there is simply no way to please everyone anyways.   Knowing that I can stand my ground and still be loving.  Knowing that a person's perception of me, real or imagined, isn't God's perception of me. 

Reminding myself once again that it is only His view of me that is eternal and it is only Him that I serve.  

Gross cleaning stuff

So I posted a question the other day - which is worse? Cleaning out a dirty fridge, cleaning out the bottom of a trash can after something has leaked and fermented in it for 5 days, or cleaning a toilet that two young boys with poor aim regularly use.

It's been my busy season at work again and so I've fallen behind on most of my housework.  Not that my house was/is completely filthy.  It just needs a full day's cleaning and it will be fine.....I hope.   I haven't had a full day to do that in ages.  Does any mom ever have that?

I decided on my one day off to let my kids play and do whatever crazy stuff they wanted in the house, as long as it wasn't in the room I was cleaning so that I could try to get my kitchen and bathroom under control.  The kids really needed a regular old "stay home" day anyways.

My kitchen didn't really seem THAT dirty, the dishes were done and counters were tidy. But I knew I was a phony.  My garbage can and fridge were disgusting and several of my cabinets had food on the outside of them thanks to my 3 year old's little hands.  So I went crazy on my kitchen.  Scrubbing every square inch of my fridge and freezer, hand mopping the floor, wiping down every cabinet, cleaning out and getting rid of all the old condiments and spices that had accumulated and hosing out that nasty garbage can.

That can?  You can't spray hard enough to get the crap out of the bottom without the water splashing out the top and gravitating (naturally) towards your face no matter what direction you have the top of the can facing.  I got hit in the face with what I assume was scrambled egg?  The smell of rotten egg and garbage water made me gag. I almost tossed my cookies on my driveway right then and there.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this - I had to make 4 trips to our big green trash can just from my kitchen.  Between the old and expired condiments, some old food in the fridge, some freezer burned stuff from the freezer, and the broken toaster, there was a serious amount of crap removed from the area.

My fridge pretty much sparkles now though it MAY be time for me to go grocery shopping.

And so does the rest of the kitchen.

Can you see any crumbs on this counter?  No.  Because there aren't any.

Meanwhile my kids got into a rousing game of hide and seek that I overheard but assumed they were being responsible since everyone seemed to be laughing and having a good time.

 I was wrong.

THIS is what my room now looks like.   (It was really rather clean before all this)

Hide and seek led to my daughter hiding in my closet and not just breaking my shoe rack but also knocking over half of the clothes I had hanging up onto the floor. That's all the knocked down clothes on the bed and dresser there.

Meanwhile, Tristen NEEDED a certain shirt and since his siblings didn't seem to know which shirt, THIS happened: 

Oh....and the bathroom. This is my bathroom counter pre-cleaning.

 I did get to it and the toilet after getting my kids to bed for the evening and now it's all sparkly and clean just like I like it.

I've come to accept that when life is busy it is just too much to hope for a completely clean house.  I have 2 sparkly clean rooms out of 6.  That is 1/3.  I'm batting over 300. Not bad right?

My conclusion at the end of the night?  The toilet was the least nasty.  My daughter has a weird thing for cleaning toilets that I don't understand and cleans our toilets whenever she feels like it.  It was probably only 4 or 5 days since its last good cleaning.

The fridge?  Being that Tristen had spilled apple juice (when trying to get it himself) over pretty much everything in my fridge a few days ago, it was all a toddlerified sticky mess to clean.  But really, there were just some leftover's to be tossed, some old condiments, and one moldy item.  Just one.  Kinda impressed with myself on that one.  All in all, not that bad.

The garbage can won this hands down.  Sick and wrong.  5 day old fermented dairy products splashing out and, despite my best efforts, hitting my face was just IT for me.  Gag city.  I wanted to quit right then and there.

So there you go.  I answered my own question. :-)

Breakthrough's

I've been rather quiet on here lately.  A lot has been going on in my life but I've had to mostly (at least temporarily) internalize things rather than share what has been going on.  I've been trying to think of how to put things into words and every time I sit down to my laptop to type it all up, my words fall short and I'm left in the silent processing of what it is that God is doing in my life.   I already know my words are going to fall short, but I need to try anyways, so bear with me.

Lent - it ended Thursday.  I successfully made it 40 days mostly without caffeine.  I will confess I ordered a whiskey and coke when I went out to have a drink with a friend forgetting that coke has caffeine.   I didn't sleep much that night, my heart was racing and I was physically shaking from the caffeine....and I only had one!  I also messed up on the fast food thing a few times without even thinking about it.  What I realized from all of this?  How much more I want God's thoughts to be forefront in my mind.  I was more than once casual and forgetful about what I was doing, not thinking, not caring, not even remembering.   It humbled me to realize how careless my thoughts can be - not that it was some sin to have caffeine or fast food (it wasn't) but that I could forgot so easily that I had agreed to not partake in something as a reminder of Christ's great sacrifice for me.   

I'm also re-realizing the power of prayer.   I've been meeting every Monday with a wonderful lady that is helping me work through some of my issues.  To say that my faith has been increased over the last 2 months would be a total injustice to what it is that I am learning.  We've tackled different issues and topics nearly every week and in one way or another things have moved and shifted in my life like I have never seen.  I'm struggling to put into words what God has worked in and out and around me.   It's reconnecting with my first love, finally being able to rest in His peace, knowing that His heart is for me, knowing that my doubt, my anger towards Him, my rebellion, my great sin? It is no more and it is forgiven.  It's finally being able to raise my hands in worship of my Savior again after struggling with even looking at Him for nearly a year.   

That last one?  How do I put into words the relief and joy I feel at finally being able to say and believe that He is good and in turn raise my hands and worship Him.  

In some areas I feel healed and in others I'm finally seeing the hope of being healable. 

The labels I've put on myself don't carry the bondage that they used to anymore.  The wounds are becoming scars.   I'm standing up for myself in areas that I've never had the courage to stand up in before.   

I'm breaking free. 

There is so much more I could write.  But my words fall short and I'm about to go back to my silent internalization of the things God is working in and around me.   

Happy Easter!

Working out the self-control thing.

Self-control, it seems to be something that God is wanting to give me more and more of these days, and that's a good thing.  I'm trying to receive it, I am.  But it's hard.

The past few weeks I've been really focused on training my youngest in the subject.  We've had more than a few public meltdowns on his part. One involved me throwing him under one arm as my last resort (kicking and screaming, naturally) and dragging a stroller over 100 yards to my car, surrounded by dozens of people, staring of course (like their toddlers never did this? Righhhhhhtttttt) as I tried to get him to practice some self control and quit throwing a fit in public.   

We had a talk, some discipline was given and things moved on.   

Last night we went to the park and when it was time to leave he defiantly crossed his arm and said. "No.  Not leaving this park."  (and really I couldn't blame him with what a beautiful night it was).  So I went over and picked him up, told him to change his attitude or there would be consequences and loaded him in the car.   He started crying, and I gave him the look.  Moments later I heard him trying to control the sobs.  Deep breaths were taken.  Sobs got a little quieter.  Finally he said "I changed my attitude mom.  I'm sorry." (followed by a quiet little sob).  As soon as we got home I sat on the couch with him and he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried a few more tears about the disappointment of having to leave the park.   And then it was done. 

I realized at that point that we had had our first breakthrough in the toddler self-control department.  He's getting it, he's figuring out that even when he's heartbroken or hurt about something, he's allowed to be emotional, but he still has to be obedient and tantrums are not allowed.  Self control.  It's a beautiful thing.  

It's something I'm trying to remember myself too.  Self control as an adult has a whole different look.  It's the not looking at what you shouldn't, not saying things you shouldn't say, steering clear of the things that cause harm, not gossiping, controlling the tongue, not letting emotional impulses run your life.  Oh....and not eating that entire pack of Oreos that's hiding in the kitchen right now.  Ugh. 

God's been working it in me a lot lately.  I still have a lot of weak areas that I want Him to help me get stronger in.   But I'm making progress and feeling stronger in that area, and I like it.