My Own 50 Shades

Facebook is overflowing this week with posts about 50 Shades of Grey.

So please excuse my addition to the uproar.  I just simply can't stay quiet about this one as it hits far too close to home for me.

I realize that the book and movie are for entertainment purposes.  I also realize there are a LOT of really idiotic movies and books out there.  Admittedly I can be a sucker for poorly written love stories. Even Twilight sucked me in.  Granted, I kept hoping it would get better....perhaps Bella would develop a personality at some point and then maybe I would understand why she had two really hot guys chasing after her.  Many wasted hours later I realized it just wasn't going to happen.  Yet I still watched the movies. I even went to one of them on opening night.

All that to say?  I get that people want to be entertained.  I really do.  And we as American's are gluttons for entertainment, even when it is just poorly written plots with hot actors and actresses.

But this?  This is different.

I saw this post on buzz feed today and while it's done humorously, all I could say was "Really?!  THIS is what we are so excited for?"

(Contains strong language)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/fifty-shades-of-fcked-up#.konlMMd97

Read it.  Chuckle.  Get a little grossed out.  And come back.

Here I go.

I haven't read the whole book.  So forgive me if I'm a little misinformed.  But I really don't think that I am. Prior to knowing the controversy, back in 2012, I downloaded the first two chapters for free on my kindle app.  Lucky for me the writing style was horrible enough that I didn't waste any money on the book. I could take a pretty good guess on where the book was headed and I simply wasn't interested in going there.

 I've lived my own version of it and it was not the stuff that fantasy's are made of.

From what I know of the book, Christian is a handsome and wealthy man with sexual issues stemming from abuse he experienced when he was younger and this is what drives him to control and cause psychical pain to his lovers.   I know there's a lot more to it that that. Mostly graphic sex scenes and a fair amount of "romance" to accompany it. But from what I gather, that's a good summary.

When I was 19 I fell in love with and married a boy who (from what I've gathered of the book) bears an uncanny resemblance to Christian Grey.  Charming, from a wealthy family (though I think Christian actually made his own money. Correct me if I'm wrong.) and completely screwed up from abuse in his past.

My 50 shades started out lovely, ended in women's shelter and the middle was hell peppered with lots of gifts and apology letters.

Abuse is not something to romanticize.

I truly am a little sickened that we, as women, are flocking to this movie.

We scream about fair treatment in the workplace.  We blast violence against women.  We call out for changes in sexual assault laws.  We demand our independence.

And we are the ones flocking to a movie that glamorizes the domination and abuse of women.

Ladies, there is nothing glamorous about being choked or hit.  Especially not when you're being choked unconscious as your toddler watches, helpless, from the next room.

I was physically abused for years. It's not a secret.  My ex-husband himself even talked about the physical abuse he had inflicted on me with his friends. Like it was no big deal. Or maybe that it was a big deal but that he "messed up" and he was going to "change." People were scared for me.  Some thought I wouldn't survive.  

Survival is not a given.

My middle name is June, after my great Aunt June.  She was murdered by her husband at the age of 20. I've heard the story, of course this was long before I was around, but the story goes that he was in a jealous rage and thought that June was leaving him.  So he killed her. My great-grandmother ended up raising June's 3 boys alone in a tiny 2 bedroom house while their father served time in prison for murder.

When I was married I bought into the lie that if I was just more submissive, bought cuter lingerie, was better in bed, lost weight, kept my eyes down in public so that I couldn't be accused of looking at another man or heck....even cooked a better dinner, that things might be better.

I was never enough and things never got better until the day I finally had the courage to file a restraining order. The granting of that restraining order in the fall of 2010 was the day I finally had a voice.  I had to self-represent in court against a top-rated defense attorney and to this day I'm not sure how I made it through it without breaking into sobs.  I was pregnant, it was terrifying, and my ex had brought a crowd of people with him to intimidate me.   The judge granted my request for protection, despite my poor public speaking skills.  My life has only gotten better since that moment.

Jealousy, domination and control are not something that can be romanticized without minimizing the crime that is domestic abuse.

My escape is the exception, many try, most return.

1 in 4 homes contain domestic violence.

Ladies, please, for love of your sisters out there that are suffering.  For those trying to escape. Please quit glamorizing and fantasizing over the kind of relationship that can only end in misery.  This movie doesn't just make light of abuse, it makes it something to aspire to.  You have sisters and friends out there living in this kind of misery and we are going to pay the box office millions of dollars to make it look like it's something beautiful.

There is nothing beautiful or romantic about sexual abuse ladies.  Nothing. Look at my life.  Look at what my children have had to walk through.  Picture my child in tears at the age of 4 getting cross examined on the witness stand asking for her mom.   This is what happens and this is just one of many ugly roads the romanticizing of abuse could lead you down.  

I'm sorry if I ruined your Valentines day plans.

Actually, no, I'm not.

Today I Choose Gratefulness.

Today the stress and frustration that is my seemingly never ending court saga threatened to overwhelm me.

My ex husband officially got out of a year and half's worth of back support today. His July 2013-November 2014's portion of childcare costs, a HUGE amount of money.  If you have a good lawyer and enough money you can get out of anything. Rape.  Abuse. Assault. And child support.  Anything.   Truth is, I'm pretty sure he spent more on the attorney's fees fighting his way out of back support than what he would have paid if he just paid the support.  But that's the point.  He successfully got out of support and racked up my attorney's fees in the process.  So in his mind, he's won. 

I wish I could ask him to just stop.  I won't ask for support or anything if he would just stop attacking us. 

But then he won't be able to continue to abuse me through the court system. So that's probably a no. 

 I'm stressed and exhausted and owe more money to more attorneys than I can fathom. My current attorney is failing me miserably.  I dream of being able to afford a good lawyer and in those dreams I cry happy tears because we are free and the relief I feel is beyond words.  I've been told several times that my representation in court is why things are so difficult for me.  There is NO way things should be going the way they are going.  I've also been told that I'm dealing with an unjust judge.  Several attorney's have reviewed our case and have all related their shock and disgust with how the legal system has utterly failed my children. 

But again, God is bigger and he truly can set us free of all this right? So why hasn't He? 

Sigh.

And then my little guy jumps in my bed and nestles into me, pulling the blankets over me and him.

"Why do you like snuggles so much T?" I ask.

"Because I feel warm and happy and I love you"

He grins at me and giggles before kissing my cheek and squeezing my neck in a slightly too tight chubby-armed hug.  

How did I get blessed with such loving and precious kids?

 This right here.  Every day listening to stories about their friends from school, seeing them dance and play and laugh and grow.  Nerf wars and lego building marathons, dance parties and nacho-movie nights.  Getting to be involved in all their activities, to know their friends, to laugh and cry and grow together in this sweet little unconventional family unit. I am here. 

So what if I'm broke as heck because of stupid attorney fees? So what if my ex has forced us below the poverty line? So what if I can't buy a house or plan for the future? Every time I get caught up I'm hit with some other form of legal abuse, and unless God chooses to intervene (and I'm praying and begging him to do just that!) I don't foresee it ending. 

But this is my now and my kids? They are here with me.  Just me. For whatever reason God has chosen to give me almost 5 years of just me and my beautiful babies. 

I'm going to focus on making the absolute best of it.  Money really doesn't matter because God has and will continue to provide for what we need. Maybe some big financial breakthrough will happen soon for us, or maybe God will just continue to allow us to be in this place of fully relying on Him and His provision. 

I know God sees the horrible injustice that is happening to us.  There may not be justice here on earth, but there is justice in the end.  It takes everything in me to pray for mercy over him and his family, vengeance is so much easier to think about.   My heart is often FAR from the right place when it comes to this, and it is something I truly need to work on. 

I'm going to try my hardest to keep a good attitude. To focus on what we do have.  To not let the theft of money that is rightfully my children's destroy my day or week.  God provides beautifully and bountifully and we are thankful every day for his continued protection of us.   Today I WILL choose to be grateful.  I have here with me the most precious gifts ever.  Money (or lack thereof) simply can't compare with what I am blessed with.