Sometimes you just have to get it out. Scream and yell and throw a fit for it to be okay.
Yesterday I did. I'm not ashamed. I posted on facebook. I messaged several friends. I called my parents. I was raging for a good two hours.
I'm not saying it was the best or most mature way of handling things. But I felt better after I did it.
I felt peace.
So what if my ex weasels his way out of supporting his kids. Him doing everything he can to hurt the kids and I is a given, and his failure to care for his kids has made the many miracles that have happened over the last 4 years that much more beautiful.
I never talk about support money with my kids. It's not for them to know at this time. But someday they will know. Someday they will ask why things were hard. As much I've tried to keep them from seeing my tears, they've seen them. They've sensed my heaviness. I know it. Someday I will get to share the full story of their heavenly Father's provision when their earthly father failed over and over. They already know and have seen some of the miracles. The year the most amazing Christmas ever was gifted to us is something they still talk about 3 years later. Many times we've ran out of food and then God provided an abundance. There have been times where I have gone to pay a bill and it was already paid, or opened my purse to find extra money in it that I know I didn't put there. There have been times I haven't been able to afford school clothes and then bags of clothes appeared from all different places. Vehicles and appliances have been repaired and/or replaced.
God has supplied all our needs.
Sometimes even my latte "need" has been supplied with timely gift cards to my favorite shops.
And there's even been times where movie tickets and concert tickets and dinners out....you know the frivolous things in life? Gifted to us.
We lack nothing.
I could stay angry at this financial set-back we may be facing. It's a LOT of money that we could really use right now.
Or I could keep focused on God. And just wait and see what He does. I am truly desperate for Him to move. I'm desperate for Him to notice my case.
I'm desperate like the widow in Luke 18:
"1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’
4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”
I will persist. I will pray day and night. I may keep losing for awhile. But I'm not going to let this cost me my faith.
All I can fight with these days is my voice. I choose to speak up. I choose to not be intimidated. I will not allow myself to be victimized by their bullying. And I'm not going to shut up either. 😉
