29 on the 29th.

Since I'm 29 this year and it's the 29th of December I thought it would be fitting to list out 29 things that this year has gifted me with.  Some beautiful and sentimental.  Some just silly and fun.
I'm grateful for this year and all that it's brought me.  The lessons, the heartache, the joy, and the growth.  Some moments ripped my heart out and some were so beautiful that I just cried from the prefect lovely joy of that moment.

All of the photos except for this first one are compliments of my iphone5.  Don't judge.  Also, it's not my birthday.  I'm 29 and a half in case you are wondering.

1. Not sure how to emphasize this one enough.  And really, all of the other's are going to be silly and frivolous after this one,  The best and number 1 thing of 2014 for me is that my kids were protected and safe for this whole year.  No contact with their father, no regression into the places they used to be.  This is beautiful and amazing for so many reasons.   This first point could easily turn into a novel if I chose so I'm going to stop and go on to number 2.

2. My divorce was finalized.  9 years is WAY to long to be married to someone who has done everything possible to make you and your kids lives hell.  Having this closure is beautiful to the point that I cried tears of joy on more then one occasion.

3. We were able to take a trip to Great Wolf Lodge and loved every second of it.

4.  We went camping a few times and it was awesome!  I will probably spend most of summer 2015 in a tent.  You've been warned. 

(Our outdoor movie theater made from a soccer goal, a quilt and a projector)

Kids all crammed into my tiny car. 

 The Walking Tacos. 

5. I bought a new (to me) car.  I was long overdue for something reliable.  This is it.  It also has leather seats which make me happy.  

6.  I took my older two to their first ever real concert: Cage the Elephant.  Olivia proved to be my child when she crawled through the last few people blocking her view and made it all the way to the front. Proud mom moment.  Casey made it eventually but was much more polite about it.

7.  And since I'm talking about concerts and those were highlights for me this year I have to mention Portugal the Man and Grouplove.  It was hard for me to pick a favorite show from this year, but I think this just might have to be it.   PTM blew me away.

 This was also the concert where I had a moment of insanity and decided to crowd surf.  I lost my car key in the process, spent a lot of time digging through trash with no luck, and had to call a locksmith for my car.  Expensive mistake. It was a fun moment but not worth it.

Since I'm still on concerts though I'm going to give The Airborne Toxic Event Number 8.
Meeting Mikel Jollet was bomb.  I still get a little giddy thinking about it.   Their music is touching and beautiful in all the right ways.  I love them.


9.  Kicking butt at the ash kicker.   Even though I drank to much post race and made an idiot of myself, (LIGHTWEIGHT!) the race itself and the wonderful time with my girls was amazing.

10.  I got in great shape this year. I worked hard for the ash kicker and surprised myself with how well I did at it.  Getting in shape is tough.

11.  I also ate my way out of great shape this fall.  Why am I putting this on my list?  I enjoyed every last Olive Garden breadstick, Red Robin Cheeseburger and Chipotle burrito. Good food must be celebrated.

(This is from the Olympic Club.  My mouth is watering).

12. Speaking of fall.  My work crew this year was awesome.  We spend a lot of time on the road together and having people that you actually enjoy being with is pretty rad.

13.  My traditional girls weekend away.  A weekend of just girls, in a lodge in the woods with lots of food is awesome and it was exactly what I needed after several months of 60 hour work weeks.

14. Swimming, floating and being outside a lot this summer.

15. On a more serious note.  I've spent a lot of time learning to forgive myself.  Forgiving others is hard enough.  Forgiving myself for my mistakes?  SO hard.  My view of God as a child and teenager was very performance based and not grace based.    I could write a whole post on this subject, but I won't, or at least I'll save it for later.  I'll just summarize by saying that this was the year that I truly came to know God's grace in the richest and fullest sense, and it's good because I desperately needed it.

16. I also spent a lot more time actually listening to God.  I failed at it a lot, but the effort and my heart have been there.  I've learned a lot.

17. Good books.  I've tried to shut off the tv more and feed my brain.  I love reading, but I'm infamous for never finishing books.  This year I finished a lot more than last year, no idea what the number is, I just know that it's been a good year for reading.

18. I learned how to walk away from the boys that hurt me.  Not gracefully, or beautifully, but I did it.  I ended up having to do it a few more times with a few different boys by the end of the year.  But it's gotten easier and I've gotten stronger.  Being nice doesn't mean being a doormat.

19. We took a lot of day trips this year.  I'm so happy we did.  The kids and I have some beautiful memories from what we did and I can't wait to make more of them.

We totally passed a cop while we were doing this and he just smiled and waved.   

20.  Started and completed advent with my kids.  We went through"Unwrapping The Greatest Gift" and it was a hit.  We had some great talks about some really good stuff and there were a few moments in it that hit my heart in all the right places.  I definitely recommend it.

21. I wrote more this year and healed more.  This blog and my journals have been so therapeutic for me.

22. I spent more time with friends this year.  2013 was rough, 2014 was a definite improvement for me.  I have some great memories full of laughter that I'm so glad to have experienced.

23. I quit caffeine this year.  It was a horrible experience let me tell you. But I'm so glad not to have that addiction in my life anymore.

24. I worked on dinner time traditions with my kids.   We sit down for dinner now at least 3-4 times a week.  At the table.  Considering how busy our lives are, that's a huge success.  We also have a routine of discussing our best moments of the day and what we are most thankful for.

25. I grew a backbone.   I've never had a problem with standing up for other people, but I really struggle with standing up for myself.  Well I did it this year and it didn't go good. But I grew and I'm really happy and relieved that I did it.   It's an ongoing thing, I'm still growing in this area, but I know I made some huge steps and I'm glad.

26. I didn't give up on the budget thing.  I've kept at it.  I'm still not where I want to be, but I definitely have a system and it's working for me.

27.  My kid's cuddles. They sneak out of their beds every night to give me "snuggles" and while I get to be all firm and parental with them and send them back to bed eventually, it is definitely one of my favorite things.

28. Bonfires.  We went to a lot of them this summer.  My kids have the s'mores thing down.

29. And last but not least.  I know in my heart that I've given 2014 my best and my all.  I chose right when it came to my kids, and I've continued to fight with everything in me for them.   I'm looking forward to 2015 and the new joys it will bring.  

The Struggle is Real.

"The Struggle is Real."  I hear that statement frequently these days.  Usually in sarcasm.  Usually over something silly like having to put on pants, or wear a bra, or my favorite.....

I get the humor.  I get the sarcasm.  And I probably use that statement far to often, right up there with #firstworldproblems.  It makes me grin every time I hear it.  I figured a little smile would be a great way to start out sharing this actual real struggle I'm going through, and since this struggle isn't life or death, it's mostly just mental, I'm going to be lighthearted about it. 

I've worked really hard to keep my heart soft lately, but there have been many months of my life where I've failed at this and found myself locking my bitter angry heart up and refusing to feel anything.  2013 was the year of bitter angry Jessica.  One friend referred to me as a zombie and a shell of a person when we talked about it the other day.  It was true.  I was dead inside.  Hurt and wounded to the point that I merely walked through the day-to-day motions of my life.  I let people say and do things to me that were awful.  I almost couldn't feel it.  What little part I could feel was denied.  I didn't want the floodgates to open and I was scared that once I grieved the cruelties that were done to me and worse yet, my own sin, it would never stop.

Then things changed.  Light broke through.  God softened my heart and I began to feel EVERYTHING.  Grief happened.  Wretched, awful, sobbing until my face was swollen grief, and then came the healing and the restoration, and finally joy.  Sweet joy.

It was nearly a year ago when God broke through my hard shell. To say it's been all joy and rainbows since then is just silly.  I've wrote frequently about the struggles and emotions I've gone through just in life.  Fear overwhelms me still.  Sometimes I don't feel God's presence. I still find myself stuffing things out of reflex and then having to un-stuff and let it hurt.  Sometimes the feelings, the real deep feelings that I feel of love and sadness and pain and joy are so real that I am overwhelmed.  But I feel again, and it's beautiful even when it sucks.

This is where my struggle lies.

The realness of who I am is that I wear my heart on my sleeve now.  I love people. I feel for people. And when those people hurt me they get to see the unfortunate result of their actions.  The shaking with sobs while tears stream down my face because my heart has been wounded again ugly messy me and I want it to stop, because when someone sits there and says they are sorry over and over and over and you know they feel like a worm and you just can't stop crying?  It is the worst feeling in the world.   I want to lie and say it's okay.  But I can't, because it's not.

I feel bad for feeling hurt.  And this is my struggle.

I feel bad that I am naive to the point that it's almost stupid.

I feel bad for only seeing good in people.

I feel bad for trusting.

I feel bad for wanting more than just being told that I'm pretty.



I struggle because right now?  I hurt.  And it would be so easy to just stuff it and move on.

The struggle is to let myself cry and feel the pain and embrace it until God heals it.

The struggle is to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

The struggle is to open my eyes to peoples faults while still loving them

The struggle is to know that I don't have to trust everyone.  I only have to trust God.

The struggle is knowing and believing that I'm created for more than flattery.  I have depth and beauty inside me, and cheap compliments should never be the way to my heart.

That's my struggle today.  The struggle is real.