Feeling Full

This week has been so full and in a good way.  We went to several BBQs over the holiday weekend and I haven't enjoyed myself that much in awhile.  Getting to spend 3 full days with my kids was awesome, plus I got to connect with a lot of my friends (we enjoyed the Shelton/Sanden/Pickett clan at my parents house all day on Sunday).  I loved that I got to reconnect to my heart-sisters. Having not been at the same church for the last few months, I have to say, it felt wonderful.

I haven't posted much over the last two months, I've written a lot, but published very little. 

So much of what I write comes from feelings and emotions and it is such a vulnerable feeling to put all that out there, especially since it's not always pretty and happy.  

The last couple months have been about finding consistency, developing better habits, and focusing more on God and less on myself.   It's been good.  I've been finding Him in the quiet places, in the rest time, and in those "alone" moments.  It's really been beautiful, but not every moment has been full of joy.

I'm excited for the summer and whatever it may hold.  It's already been a lot better than last summer in so many ways and it's only July.  :-)

Free

How do I even put into words the beautiful range of emotions that went through me?

I worked 12 hours today.  I was going into a football league shoot when I spoke with my attorney on the phone.  We were discussing a few issues with my divorce case (namely back support and my ex joining my gym....what the heck?!?) when she slipped in "oh, by the way, I checked and your divorce was entered yesterday. Congratulations, you're not married to that creep anymore."  

I didn't even really know what to say other than "thank you....THANK YOU!!!!!!!"  

I was kinda useless the whole evening.  I couldn't process the joy, relief and wide range of happy, hopeful and just plain crazy ecstasy that I was feeling.  

I'm still trying to process through this.

Years of knowing that the person who harmed my children in the worst possible way was my husband? Those years are over.  

I'm free!

Yes, there are still problems.  There's back support, there's him attempting to get supervised visitation, there's the fact that my kids and I still have nightmares, I still hate certain types of physical affection, and I still have occasional panic attacks when something triggers traumatic memories.... And yes, we will probably always have scars from the damage done to us.  But they are scars now, not raw wounds that ache and hurt every day. 

I was given full custody with my ex having no visitation almost 4 years ago.

2 years ago family court made the recommendation that I permanently have full custody with his rights being indefinitely terminated.

Since then there have been legal fights with his family trying to get some sort of supervised (by a psychologist) visitation, but at this time, there is still no contact.  I believe that the God that has protected us for the last 4 years will continue to do so.  

My kids and I are free to move forward, not that we hadn't, but now I truly have nothing legally holding me back.

My future is looking bright and beautiful, and I can't wait to see what God does.

What a roller coaster this has been and I'm so glad this chapter is finally closed.